To Be A Fool…

We cross our bridges when we come to them and burn them behind us, with nothing to show for our progress except a memory of the smell of smoke, and a presumption that once our eyes watered. -Tom Stoppard

A friend of mine posted this on her blog, and I was intrigued by it. How many things in our past are just memories of painful times where we burned a bridge. Are all bridges to be burned? I guess not, but sometimes it is far easier to burn them rather than mend them.

I remember a dream of sorts I had some years ago after leaving a situation in which I had been very hurt. I staggered and crawled across a swinging bridge… desperate for safety and peace. Desperate to find a place to lay down and heal… or to die. When I reached the other side, and with a grim determination, I turned to light the bridge on fire. The Lord stopped me, with the reminder that one day I may want to cross it again… or even help other people needing to find the way across it.

There are things we want to leave behind permanently. And even scripture tells us to keep the past behind us. I understand that. I prefer that! But scripture also tells us about reconciliation… times when we do revisit the past with a brother or sister in order to be healed from it, and for our relationships to be made whole and strong once again. (I’ll post some scriptures at the end.)

When we burn a bridge (usually out of self-preservation) we also have the potiential of never finding the road to reconciliation. I’m not saying never to burn bridges… there are the wolves, after all… But it is important to have the discernment on when to burn, and when to leave the bridge intact… or even to improve upon it.

There are many times when I want to reject another person because I fear being hurt, or I dislike the “stuff” I see in their lives. Or, in my life, the very fear of being rejected causes me to run and hide… to push someone away. Perhaps this is the very time I must press into the relationship and see bridges strengthened, rather than destroyed. Maybe they will burn the bridge themselves… but as far as it is left up to me, unless the relationship is extremely damaging and needs cut off, I want to see relationships mended and built up rather than destroyed.

“Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, 24leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift. Matthew 5:23 (NIV)

15“If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. 16But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’ 17If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector. Matthew 18:15-17 (NIV)

21Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?” 22Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times. Matthew 18:21-22 (NIV)

One of my favorite scriptures about relationships is Ecclesiastes 4: 8-12

8 There was a man all alone;
he had neither son nor brother.
There was no end to his toil,
yet his eyes were not content with his wealth.
“For whom am I toiling,” he asked,
“and why am I depriving myself of enjoyment?”
This too is meaningless—
a miserable business!

9 Two are better than one,
because they have a good return for their work:

10 If one falls down,
his friend can help him up.
But pity the man who falls
and has no one to help him up!

11 Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm.
But how can one keep warm alone?

12 Though one may be overpowered,
two can defend themselves.
A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.

Let us use discernment in our relationships… asking the Lord to show us which bridges need to be mended, and which need to be burned, before we rashly burn something that was never intended to be destroyed.

Blessings,

Heidi

Let’s consider the words that come out of our mouth. We can build up… or we can destroy… with just our words.

Some of the most serious hurts in my life come from words. Little words that cut, tore down, and cursed me. What about you?

Let us consider our words carefully. There are a lot of scriptures about the tongue. Here are just a few.

Reckless words pierce like a sword,but the tongue of the wise brings healing. Proverbs 12:18 (NIV)

A sword sounds about right. Sometimes I think I’d rather be stabbed by a sword than live with the words spoken. Amazing how an emotional pain can hurt.

The tongue that brings healing is a tree of life, but a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit. Proverbs 15:4 (NIV)

Ever been crushed by someone’s words? I have.  I’ll bet that everyone has felt the sting of words at least once.

The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit. Proverbs 18:21

Life and death. We can give or take life. Sure… they may not be physically dead, but we can kill them on the inside where nobody ever sees the pain… some take their own lives to escape the pain inflicted by others. Let’s show them the healing that can come, also from words… speaking words of life over the damaged and broken, showing the love of Christ to them.

With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in God’s likeness. Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers, this should not be. James 3:9-10 (NIV)

It reminds me of an old horror movie, where some horrible monster comes through and destroys the town before the army can figure out what to do to stop it. Someone with a tongue that is out of control can cause that kind of damage to a church or group.

We all stumble in many ways. If anyone is never at fault in what he says, he is a perfect man, able to keep his whole body in check. James 3:2 (NIV)

Oh to be perfect. Oh to be able to go back in time and take away the words spoken over me, and the words I have spoken over others… only through Christ can these words be made null and void… to be made to fall to the ground lifeless and without power.

Let’s be conscious of our tongues today, and use our speech to give life to another. Let our words bring healing, and our love show the way to Christ.

That person who sits next to you on Sunday might seem to have it all together, but underneath there may be a person who has been torn apart and in tremendous pain. Trust me…. you never know who is covering the fact that they are crippled emotionally.

Ask the Lord to show you who you can build up and how.

Blessings,

Heidi

Guilt says, “I did something wrong.”

Shame says, “I am something wrong.”

Shame: Shame is a dangerous thing to feel. We all have felt ashamed of our behavior at one time or another… but the shame of “who we are” can damage us deeply.

Where does shame come from? Guilt can turn into shame if we do not deal with it. Remorse also can lead into shame, as well as the more obvious degradation, humiliation, and demoralization. Guilt usually comes from something we have done. Shame doesn’t need a cause to rear it’s head, because it is at the root of who we are as an individual.

We have a deep-seated need for security and significance. Security is knowing that we belong somewhere, we are accepted and approved of without condition, and that we are loved. Significance provides a place for us in life, says that we are important to ourselves and to others.

Shame invalidates these two core needs, and makes us to feel we have no place we will ever belong, the ‘real us’ can never be loved, and that we have nothing important to offer in life. In other words, we aren’t even worth having security and significance.

We hear much talk in secular markets about low and high self-esteem. But the answer is much deeper than just having a higher self-esteem… we need healed at the very center of our being, we need to know exactly who we are and why we are here, and for that we need Jesus.

I believe we begin to feel shame as children. Whether it is our perceptions of what we “should” be and aren’t, or whether we have been told or taught we are worthless… either way the resulting emotion is “shame.”

I have struggled much of my life with shame. Being adopted brings it’s own set of ’self-esteem’ struggles. While some children seem to navigate the waters more easily, perhaps due to the help of their parents, others get mired down in the mud of shame, even in spite of their adoptive parent’s best efforts to help them.

I was the latter. I determined in my heart at a young age that there was something wrong with me. Really wrong… not just with the outside, which I thought was hideous enough, but with who I am. After all, what kind of mother would give up their child unless there was something so terribly wrong with them, that they didn’t want them. Yes, you could have told me that wasn’t true (and it wasn’t true at all) but it was what I had come to believe. I showed a sense 0f pride for being adopted (hey, look at me, I’m adopted and special) when really I was hurting on the inside deeply enough that by the time I was in 8th grade I had become suicidal.

Shame had gotten it’s tentacles around me, and dragged me down to the depths of hell.

When I tell you that only Jesus can set someone free, I don’t mean to imply that he won’t use people. He has used people in my life to help me recover, but ultimately it wasn’t them who healed me… these people led me to the only One who could really help me.

I had no significance. I was nothing. I hated myself for not being ’somebody’ or ’something’ worthwhile. I knew that nobody would, or could, ever love me. I thought that the world would be better off without me, and that I really didn’t belong here.

The more God shows me that he chose me, that I was chosen before the world began… that he wants me, loves me, and created me to be me, the more healing and freedom I find, and the more I’m able to step out and share that with others who need healing, without feeling like I have nothing worthwhile to add. I know the one who is worth it all!

I thank God for the healing I’ve had… and I know that God will continue that healing in me. Our significance and our security need to be found in God through Christ, first and foremost, for it is He who created us to be… well… us!

Our needs for security and significance are filled as we receive our positions of security and significance in Jesus!!!

*emphasis mine

*emphasis mine

These scriptures help us to recognize and receive our significance to God through Christ. And there are other scriptures that tell us what our identity really is! To find out more about who you are in Christ, please click here .

Healing from shame may not come overnight… although it may! But as we learn more and more about who we are in Christ, we can began to heal. In Christ I am accepted, I am secure, I am significant, and I am free!

It also can be very helpful to find a good Christian counselor to walk with you through the steps of healing and freedom. There is NO SHAME in asking for help!!!

There are so many people out there feeling shame. God, help them to turn to you with their pain, and send your people to lead them to truth… to the Cross, the Word, and the Holy Spirit that they can be free of shame.

Guilt says, “I did something wrong.”

Have you ever felt guilt?

Guilt can be a very healthy emotion as long as it is valid. Do you know people who never seem to feel guilt about anything they do or say? It is as if their conscience doesn’t work. Or maybe you know people who feel guilty about everything they say or do. Both extremes can be debilitating. The first is scary, and the second is probably rooted in shame, which I’ll talk about in the next post. For right now I’m just going to discuss regular old ‘guilt’ for things we have done or said that we know were wrong.

God built that conscience into us. We all know right from wrong, and unless we have worked hard on erasing our conscience, or unless we have become a pro at blaming everyone else for our own shortcomings, we feel the prick of guilt often enough that we cannot escape our own wrongdoings..

The need in our lives that relates to guilt is “justification.” We simply need somewhere to place the blame for things. We attempt self-justification, which is our own attempt to be free of guilt, to be forgiven and to be in right standing with God, but in reality we only have three ways to pay the debt of guilt.

1. Place it on yourself

2. Place it on someone else

3. Place it on the cross.

The truth is that only God can justify us. Only He can “declare us free from guilt, by forgiving us our sin, and making us righteous in His sight.”

So, when we feel guilt, our absolute first step should be to take it to the cross. Nowhere else will we find freedom from guilt, and no one else can justify us.

Why? God’s word gives us some answers. I suggest you look these passages up.

1. Christ is the only one who is just. Romans 3:21-26, 28

2. It is God who justifies. Romans 4:1-3; Romans 8:31-33

3. We have been justified through faith. Romans 5:1, 8-11, 18; 1 Corinthians 6:9-11;

Titus 3:3-7

Take your guilt to the cross and receive your freedom through forgiveness! The truth is that it isn’t just you… Nobody is good enough. There is not one who is righteous on their own. Jesus took your guilt upon himself on the cross, paid the debt in full, and reconciled you to God. Take him at his Word!

Is this the only step we need to take? Well, that depends on whether our sin was just against God, or whether we wounded another in the process. Jesus does teach that we need to be reconciled with our ‘brother who has something against us’. So you can ask God to show you the effect your actions had on others, and whenever possible, you can take the appropriate actions to be reconciled with one another.

I’ve been thinking a lot about the Great Commandment, and the Great Commission. I guess it started because I was on a church website where they mentioned these two major scriptures, and how they feel led to live them out. This church said that they believed that the Great Commandment is first, and then the Great Commission is to be followed also. Therefore, they spend time loving the Lord, and loving one another. Then they go forth and share that with the world.

I was thinking that sounds really cool.

The Greatest Commandment: Matthew 22:34-40 (NIV)

The Great Commission: Matthew 28: 16-20 (NIV)

Well, that got me started to thinking about how we all have been given different personalities and gifts. Why is it that we always feel the need to “fix” one another even if we have to beat our point of view into others? I’ve had people say to me that I’m too sensitive, and I care too much about other people. Or that I should just let people go ahead and make mistakes, rather than trying to help them, because they will never grow up that way. I’ve told other people that they don’t care enough, or that they should be doing this, or that….

My point being, we go back and forth judging the way the God has made each one of us. I’m not talking about the “junk” we all have that needs to be cleared up as we conform to Christ…. I’m talking about the different, unique and special ways God made each of us. Even in the conforming we are to do to become more like Christ, will that all look the same? We will evidence the fruit of the Spirit, yes.. but we still won’t share the same personality and gifts, just as we won’t all suddenly start to look exactly like one another.

God is multifaceted. Do a study sometime on the Names Of God, and you’ll discover a bit of how vast and wonderful God really is. And just as He is many things to make a whole… he created us in a way that ALL the parts of the body need to work together to be effective and healthy. How can a head get around without feet? How can a hand scratch an itch without the arm? If we all were noses, who would get the kleenex when things got messy? ewwww…. (that’snot a pretty picture, ha)

Some get out of bed each morning for the joy of going out to preach the Salvation message and see people saved. Some of us are more Pastoral, and really care about the well-being of others, and want to see people made whole and happy. And others spend hours studying scripture, then there are the servants that take the word to a new level and serve wholeheartedly. Some build up and encourage others, and another may be more likely to be found among the poorest, loving the unlovable. We musicians could sit and worship and never notice that the city is burning down, while those who put out the fires are running around yelling for us to help them.

What is my point? If we were all the same, life would be BORING! We don’t need to keep trying to get everyone to conform to us… we need to get out there and do what we feel convicted to do, and allow others to do the same. We need to stop expecting others to do what we want them to, and allow them to use their own gifts and callings… maybe even help them and encourage them to do so!

If he had meant us to all be the same… little clones running around doing the same thing, wouldn’t he have made us that way? Perhaps we are ALL needed to see the body of Christ built up until we reach the things listed above.

Just some food for thought, and a fresh reminder for myself as well, to bear with one another in love. And aren’t the Great Commandment and the Great Commission part of the point after all? It takes us all to fulfill both.

Heidi

I want to actively live my faith. I want to actively live my LIFE! I don’t want my life to be lived from a safe location. A joke in our house when things are going badly is that we’ll go hide under a pile of coats and wait for it to get better. And that is funny, but it is not the way to deal with life.

Radical faith. Radical obedience. These are what I want. I want to feel as though I’ve run the race with everything I’ve got.

Lately I’ve been feeling like something is missing, or I’m playing it safe (call it a mid-life crisis), but I know that taking the years that my children are small isn’t ‘hiding out’… it is some of my best stuff, ya know? But in this long season of diapers, bottles, school, homework, and the seemingly impossible job of potty training, it is easy to lose track of the fact that I’m doing something important.

One of our biggest challenges of late was our adoption our little girl from Ethiopia. She wasn’t so little. She was 7, and she came knowing no English, no western manners and from an entirely different culture. What a struggle she had adjusting to us (and us to her). Yet we learned so much about God throughout the process! It was a HUGE risk for us. I traveled to another country alone to pick up our daughter, and my husband stayed with the 3 little ones we had at home. That is a story for another day.

You’d be amazed at the needs in Ethiopia. No, really… unless you’ve traveled to Africa, you would seriously be amazed. And yet, they are such a wonderful, warm, and really neat people! It was a blessing to be there among them. When we left the protected walls of the hotel complex, we were surrounded by an entirely different world. The extreme poverty, children begging in the streets, small children playing naked in the mud on the median strip of the road. The AIDS epidemic has orphaned so many children. If you’ve never been to Africa, you should go at least once and get a glimpse of what other places in the world live with.

There are lots of ministries that are helping. Many people are adopting from Ethiopia. One of my favorite ministries combines orphan care, adoption, help for widows, and hospice care for dying women. It is called AWOP (African Widows and Orphan Project). But I want to be there. I want to help. I want to be living a radical life for Jesus!

But He hasn’t placed me there, He has placed me here. And I will strive to find the balance between being radical, and being content. I can support ministries that are working there, and I can visit and do my best to meet needs in this far away country that my heart is forever connected to through my beautiful daughter. But, for now, my mission field is right here in front of me. In the guise of my family, and my town.

Blessings,

HW