In this post I’m going to talk about what spiritual abuse is, and some of the characteristics of an abusive church. There is so much information now about this topic that you can find.
When we were first trying to figure out what was happening to us, we happened across a book. One little book that began to open our eyes to why we were feeling uncomfortable about the things we would hear the pastor say and do, and why we felt manipulated and unable to think for ourselves.
Ok, so what exactly is “Spiritual Abuse?”
One website set up to help victims of physical abuse defines abuse as “a pattern of coercive control that one person exercises over another”. This can be physical, emotional or sexual, and I believe that spiritual abuse follows this same pattern in the “spirit” of the people it hurts.
Jeff VanVonderen gives this definition:
“Spiritual abuse occurs when someone in a position of spiritual authority, the purpose of which is to ‘come underneath’ and serve, build, equip and make God’s people MORE free, misuses that authority placing themselves over God’s people to control, coerce or manipulate them for seemingly Godly purposes which are really their own.”
We’ve all heard horror stories of cults holding some kind of control over the people who belong. This is spiritual abuse (and probably emotional… possible physical and sexual). But it doesn’t have to be a “cult” or something “so far out there” to be abusive. One site I was on said that the theology can even be good, but if the leaders aren’t healthy, the church can still be abusive.
The Bible has some things to say about leaders who are not operating under God’s authority, but their own.
Jeremiah 5:30-31 we read, “An astonishing and horrible thing has been committed in the land: the prophets prophesy falsely, and the priests rule by their own power; and My people love to have it so. But what will you do in the end?”
Jesus was very harsh with the religious Pharisees, saying…
“They tie up heavy loads, hard to bear, and place them on men’s shoulders, but they themselves will not lift a finger to help bear them.” Matt. 23:4 (Amplified Version)
There seem to be some very common warning signs that a church is unhealthy, and probably involved in spiritual abuse. I’ll give you Jeff VanVonderen’s 7 characteristics of spiritually abusive systems from the book he co-authored with Pastor David Johnson, pastor of The Church of the Open Door in Minneapolis, Minnesota, entitled “The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse.”:
(1). Leaders in spiritually abusive systems spend a great deal of time power-posturing by focusing on their “authority” and reminding others of it.
It is called posturing because the authority does not flow from genuine, godly character, but rather it is postured. As a result, a great deal of time is spent by these abusive leaders convincing others of their influence, expertise, longevity and how much authority they have and much everyone else is supposed to submit to it. The fact that they are eager to place people “under” them in submission — under their word, under their “authority” — is a sign of an abusive system. Jesus taught as one who actually had authority, not as the scribes who postured authority (Matt. 7:28).
(2). In abusive religious systems there is a preoccupation with performance.
The Bible tells us not to be conformed to this world but to be transformed by the renewing of our minds (Romans 8:1). Conformed means “squeezed from the outside in” while transformed means “changed from the inside out.” In a spiritual abusive system there is little focus on relational discipleship, or the heart of the Christian, but rather, there is an emphasis on meeting quotas, obtaining goals, and increasing numbers, and then pretending as if one’s performance were the measure of one’s spirituality.
(3). In spiritually abusive systems people’s lives are controlled from the outside by rules, spoken and unspoken.
One unspoken rule in an abusive system, according to Jeff, is “never disagree with authorities.” Rules like this remain unspoken (no official policy) because to examine them in the light of mature dialogue would instantly reveal how illogical, anti-Christian and unhealthy they are. Silence becomes the wall of protectiton, shielding the abusive authoritarian from scrutiny or challenge. The way this unspoken rule of silence is maintained is very simple according to Dr. VanVonderen: the person who speaks about a problem must become the problem. The person becomes the problem by being accused of being arrogant, angry, unloving and other Christian adjectives to attempt to keep the silence maintained and discredit the person who raises the issues that need addressing.
Jeff compares this abusive spiritual system to the “pretend peace” of Jeremiah’s day when the prophets cried ‘peace, peace’ when there is none. A healthy church or organization affirms that all topics are open for discussion, and on some points there will be a determination to agree to disagree. Christians should be able to disagree and still fellowship and cooperate with each other in a spirit of love and humility.
(4). In spiritually abusive religious systems the mundane becomes the essential, the vital becomes trivial, and the real needs of real people are neglected for the sake of “agendas.”
Jesus told the Pharisees that in their religion “they neglected the weightier provisions of the law: justice, mercy and faithfulness” and ended up being “blind guides, who strain out a gnat and swallow a camel!” (Matthew 23:23-24).
(5). In an abusive religious system those in charge believe that “others will not understand what we’re all about, so let’s not let them know, or else we will be falsely ridiculed or attacked.”
This abusive system of religion works on two assumptons: (1). What we say, know, or do is a result of being more entlightened than others; (2). Others will not understand unless they become one of us; and (3). Those who are not one of us are not with us, and therefore, are our enemies. It is an “us” vs. “them” mentality within an abusive religious system.
(6). In a spiritually abusive religious system there is a demand that loyalty be to the organization and not necessarily the Kingdom of God.
The mentality that prevails is “we alone are right.” Because of this, anyone who speaks out against the direction of the organization is considered disloyal and is either silenced or removed. Tactics used, according to Dr. Jeff VanVonderen, include (1). threats, (2). slander, (3). humiliation, (4). and shame in attempts to get the person who questions authority to “submit” or leave the organization.
(7). In abusive religious systems secrecy is prevalent and openness and transparency are rarely seen.
What is important to these abusive organizations is the maintaining of secrecy. Real problems are never addressed. Real issues are never faced. Some even believe secrecy is necessary to protect “God’s good name.” So how things look and what others think becomes more important than what is real.
It is secrecy and using “spiritual” code language that makes spiritual abuse “subtle.” The subtle power of spiritual abuse would not be subtle if things were in the open or if people spoke in language that got to the point and did not obfuscate the problem with flowery spiritual code words that have no real sense or meaning.
(I’m sorry, I totally lost the reference to the blog I pulled this from)
Personally we have experienced this. Yes, much of this sounds very familiar. How could we not see the abuse? Good question. We were young, and didn’t know what healthy was. My husband was newly saved, and I had grown up in a very legalistic family. I thought this was what freedom looked like! The leader in our situation was very charasmatic, and ‘acted’ very humble about being the authority…. but if you disagreed you were divisive, and had a critical spirit. Spiritual elitism was rampant (our church is the only one doing it right), and anyone who left was said to have a “rebellious spirit, and “we don’t go after rebellious people.” He and his family were the only ones who were allowed to have a position on the worship team… and when the church grew too large for that, and his children moved away, he only allowed a select few to be chosen. If he was out of town, there was a list of people who weren’t allowed to help with the service just in case the associate pastors asked someone to help. When he had a moral failing, it was covered up to the point that only a very small group of people know it happened at all. When his wife used her position to really hurt people, he would accuse the person injured of having a critical spirit, and he would not hear anything said against his wife. It sounds noble, but it was enabling her to be very cruel to people. If the sound system wasn’t working correctly, he would stop the entire service and yell at the sound guy until it was fixed to his satisfaction. He was accountable to no one.
Anyway… we didn’t know until we were out of it, and finally realized that we had done nothing to deserve it. We weren’t perfect, I’m not saying that! Maybe sometime I’ll tell you the story of what finally made us leave. I have it all typed out…. I just can’t hit publish.
If you have been abused in a church, or if you are being abused, find someone you can talk to and break the cycle!
Here are some links to articles and information you can read.
Recovering From Spiritual Abuse
Five Warning Signs of an Unhealthy Church
Spiritual abuse.From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Warning Signs of Spiritual Abuse, Part One
Warning Signs of Spiritual Abuse — Part Two
Warning Signs of Spiritual Abuse — Part Three
Beware of “Spiritual Abuse”
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