To Be A Fool…

This song is amazing. The first video is the song being performed, and you’ll notice the oxygen the artist is wearing as he sings. The second video tells the story behind the song. The words are at the end of the post.

Hillsong This Is Our God

Song : Healer

Words & Music: Mike Guglielmucci

Verse1
You hold my every moment
You calm my raging seas
You walk with me through fire
And heal all my disease
I trust in You
I trust in You

Chorus
I believe You’re my Healer
I believe You are all I need
I believe You’re my Portion
I believe You’re more than enough for me
Jesus You’re all I need

Bridge
Nothing is impossible for You
Nothing is impossible for You
Nothing is impossible for You
You hold my world in Your hands

Jeff wrote a great post about regrets (read it here) that is resonating in my mind. Do you have regrets? Of course you do. I do. I have made some big mistakes in my lifetime. Most of them are my own fault. Some of the regrets are because I allowed other people to decide things for me (still my own fault). Several regrets are because in hindsight, I think I should have taken a different path (then again, perhaps not). A few regrets stem back to someone else’s poor choices, but this post is not about forgiving others, but rather dealing with my own sin. To be honest, some of the greatest regrets involve a loss of relationship.

What do we do with these regrets? We know absolutely that there is ‘No Condemnation” for those who are in Christ Jesus. But what does that mean for me? Does it mean I hold no responsibility for my actions? No. I still live with the consequences of my behavior. In fact, where it has involved others, they too carry the consequences for my behavior. That is a sobering thought. I’m not the only one involved.

So who condemns us? Romans 8 makes it clear that Jesus doesn’t condemn us. In fact, he is interceding for us! That is quite a thought! We condemn ourselves… others condemn us… we condemn others… the accuser of the brethren condemns us… but Jesus is interceding for us. Wow.

So what do we do with all the condemnation that we are NOT supposed to be carrying? Some people are really good at not carrying it. I’ve always struggled a bit to let go of it.

Since some of my sin has had an effect on others, I confess it to my Father, and receive forgiveness, absolutely! But there are still people who have been hurt by my actions. Where I’m able, I can confess and repent to the people I’ve injured. And I have. But there are areas where I cannot go back and ask for forgiveness from someone. So one thing I can do is confess to another person. I know that in the Protestant/Evangelical circles, we don’t believe there needs to be a mediator between God and ourselves. True. We can go to to the Father through Jesus with everything directly. But there is a scripture that talks about confessing our sins to one another (James 5:16). There is something healing in that. Chad talked about it in a post he wrote about condemnation (read it here).

But after all has been said and done, and we have confessed and repented… we have allowed ourselves to be humble and ask for forgiveness and restoration of damaged relationships… there must come a point at which we forgive ourselves and let it go. Ouch. Is this the hardest part? It is for me. To let go of the self-condemnation and move forward, receiving the grace God has offered us. How do we accept the fact that some things will not be made right by us? That God will redeem it, but we cannot fix it. We do all we can, but some choices and mistakes are beyond our own fixing. Some things have consequences that follow us through our life.

I wish I could go back to a few points in my life and do it again. I would do things so much differently. But I don’t get that option. The only option left to me is to LET GO of what is behind, and press on…

If we can truly get a handle on grace… if we could see ourselves (and others) the way that God sees us… then we can get back up and try again. We can build again. We can try again, this time on a foundation that is solid. We will always make mistakes (say or do the wrong thing at times)…. but it is how we handle them that truly defines our heart and motives, and shows what we really believe.

Don’t misunderstand me… I’m not talking about works. I’m not saying that grace is earned! I’m talking about restoring relationships, and at times there is a bit of work involved in that. I’m talking about learning how to let go of the condemnation and move forward in Christ.

I found this song on Chad’s site. I added the lyrics because I had to read them after listening. The song uses the word whore, so if this is offensive to you, please don’t listen.

Derek Webb (CD Title: She Must & Shall Go Free)

Wedding Dress

Lyrics: If you could love me as a wife
and for my wedding gift, your life
Should that be all I’d ever need
or is there more I’m looking for

and should I read between the lines
and look for blessings in disguise
To make me handsome, rich, and wise
Is that really what you want

I am a whore I do confess
But I put you on just like a wedding dress
and I run down the aisle
and I run down the aisle
I?m a prodigal with no way home
but I put you on just like a ring of gold
and I run down the aisle to you

So could you love this bastard child
Though I don’t trust you to provide
With one hand in a pot of gold
and with the other in your side

I am so easily satisfied
by the call of lovers so less wild
That I would take a little cash
Over your very flesh and blood

Because money cannot buy
a husband’s jealous eye
When you have knowingly deceived his wife

You can learn the story behind the song here.
listen to podcast 12.

I’ve never been good at grieving. In fact, I’m downright bad at it. I’ve never really done it the right way. I have had to cry for people years later (or never) because I have stuffed it all way down deep inside. At times I’ve cried for another reason… when I was 13, a family close to us lost a 3 year old boy to Leukemia. I finally cried because they were moving away, but never for the deep grief of losing the little guy.

I know this isn’t right. I’m trying to do it the right way this time. Perhaps because this is so near and dear to me, I find myself bursting into tears at strange times. I am someone who has gone years between tears, so it is strange for me to be so emotional.

I’m singing at my dad’s memorial service tomorrow. I’m not sure it is right, because I will have to detach from the grief in order to sing. But at the same time, I know he would love to have me sing. If I can figure out how to put the songs on here, I will (unless I lose it and cannot sing, which is entirely possible). We chose songs that meant something to my dad. Memories of him worshiping to these songs are precious and poignant.

He would love the service, because every step of the way we are deliberately honoring Christ. We are also honoring Dad. His life, and the legacy he leaves behind as one who loved Jesus with all of his heart, and who continually pointed people towards Jesus, and a life of freedom.

I find this season to be a bit strange. I’m offended by things I would never normally be offended by. I’m angry at times. I’m tearful and sad. Depressed. Withdrawn. Tired. But when I look into the emotions, I find that it all goes back to the root called “grief.” I hope that people can forgive me for my reactions right now. And what a lesson it is for me. I’m hoping I’ll be able to show grace towards people who are grieving in ways that I wasn’t able to before.

Today is Red Wine Gum’s 24th birthday. Stop over to his blog, Random Reflective Ravings, and say Happy Birthday!!!   I was watching his birthday video, and he mentioned a quote that struck me as interesting.

A fanatic is someone who can’t change his mind, and won’t change the subject. ~Winston Churchill

I know people like that.  Do you know the ones I mean?  The ones that will push and push until you want to scream and fall over backwards foaming at the mouth? 

I consider myself a bit of a fanatic when it comes to my faith… but I have never been someone who will not drop it, and who keeps forcing my beliefs upon someone.  Should I be?  I don’t know.  I’ve had my moments where I have “preached” at people… and to be honest, it wasn’t helpful, and it didn’t accomplish anything except them pushing me away so that they could breathe.

I find that people are open to discussing things with me as long as I can listen as much as I talk… and if I can respectfully disagree with them without getting the attitude that I am somehow better than they are.   That reminds me of another quote that I have found of great interest over the years…

Preach the gospel at all times and when necessary use words. ~St. Francis of Assisi

What turns you off?  What works for you?

Do we have others up on pedestals?

I don’t know about you, but at this point in my life I’m looking for the “real people.” But in the past, I have put those who seem to be extra-strong, or extra-spiritual, up on pedestals. And you know what? They always fell off! It was rather frustrating… not to mention hurtful, to see the ones that I looked at as larger than life fall off their chair, oft times broken to pieces. Funny enough in my case, it wasn’t the falling off that hurt me… it was the scrabbling and posturing, looking for ways to cover up their failings and put the righteous mask back on at any cost that did the damage. Apparently not only I had them on the pedestal, they had themselves on one.

It is hard to be free when we are constantly comparing ourselves to an unattainable standard. Perfection. And worse yet, when we believe others HAVE attained such a lofty perch, we become despondent, knowing that we shall never reach that divine standing in our own humanity. So we build a throne of pretense, and it is just a matter of time before we come crashing down. Or worse…perhaps we never crash, at least not publicly, and our entire life is just a role we play.

(( Jeff McQuilkin at Losing My Religion wrote a great post on Superhero Christianity. You can read it here.))

I’ve been listening to Steve Brown’s series on Scandalous Freedom. Last night I listened to a section about putting people on pedestals, and he made this statement:

There are no super-Christians, and if you found one, you’ve diminished yourself. When you have demeaned yourself that way, you’ll find yourself in a prison of shame and guilt and impossible expectations. The false idol of super-christians has destroyed the freedom of those who aren’t. -Steve Brown

Just thought that was interesting….

What is it that you are looking for in life? Significance? Love? Friendship?

I’ve spent much of my life looking for someone to just love and accept me for who I am. But that is all mixed up, because I spent most of those years trying to “be someone else” so that I could be loved and accepted. The supposition was that I had a ‘fundamental flaw.’ Something was so very wrong with me that I didn’t deserve to be loved. I didn’t even deserve to live. My life was an accident that should never have happened.

My self-destructive lifestyle from those years took a big toll on my health, both emotionally and physically.

I’m learning more about God’s love, but there are days where it is just too crazy to believe that I’m loved and accepted and wanted by Him. It seems to have been proven too many times that my original thinking was correct. So it is a process that gets walked out on a daily basis. The process to have those mindsets changed, and truth imparted.

There are so many people walking around wounded. How do we reach out loving hands and hearts and show them Christ?

1 Corinthians 13 (the Message)

The Way of Love

If I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy but don’t love, I’m nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate. If I speak God’s Word with power, revealing all his mysteries and making everything plain as day, and if I have faith that says to a mountain, “Jump,” and it jumps, but I don’t love, I’m nothing. If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don’t love, I’ve gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I’m bankrupt without love.

Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have.
Love doesn’t strut,
Doesn’t have a swelled head,
Doesn’t force itself on others,
Isn’t always “me first,”
Doesn’t fly off the handle,
Doesn’t keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn’t revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end.Love never dies. Inspired speech will be over some day; praying in tongues will end; understanding will reach its limit. We know only a portion of the truth, and what we say about God is always incomplete. But when the Complete arrives, our incompletes will be canceled.

When I was an infant at my mother’s breast, I gurgled and cooed like any infant. When I grew up, I left those infant ways for good.

We don’t yet see things clearly. We’re squinting in a fog, peering through a mist. But it won’t be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright! We’ll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us, knowing him directly just as he knows us!

But for right now, until that completeness, we have three things to do to lead us toward that consummation: Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly. And the best of the three is love.

I love the “nakedpastor” website. Often the posts and pictures challenge us, and even provoke some strong emotions…. and they are always interesting.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about expectations, and assumptions. Not only the expectations put upon ME, but the ones I put on others as well.

This cartoon, in particular, reminded me of church days gone by. This is a cartoon that was indicitive of where I come from, although much more subtly. Many of you have experienced the same type of things in churches as well to varying degrees.

But it goes both ways. We often expect our pastors to be perfect people. They are supposed to always know exactly what we need, when we need it, how we needed, and deliver it now.

David Hayward (nakedpastor) wrote a great post to both pastors and congregations about avoiding burnout that I just read today. We must resist the temptations and expectations to become something we are not. Here is the link.

It has been a crazy week. No… a crazy year! I feel like I’m at the end of myself… on the edge of tears most of the time.

We moved back here to PA in August. The plan was to buy my parent’s house, and they were putting a new double wide on the property. It wasn’t ready in August, so we moved in with them for what was to be a short time. There new house was ready at the end of January! Yes… 6 months of 8 people in a 2 bedroom house (thankfully it is not too tiny…they used the entryway/sitting room for their bedroom, and we turned the living room into ours).

Our son, who is 9, has had a very difficult transition to his new school… battling bullies and depression and anxiety, and since Christmas he has been having frequent bouts of vomiting. Poor kid! I’ve been running him to Erie (1 hr) and Buffalo (2 hrs) to specialists who cannot figure out what is wrong for tests and more tests. Our other 3 children have thankfully stayed pretty healthy with only normal childhood things, although our Ethiopian princess has been having some behavior problems. Then my mom had a cardiac scare and has been sick all winter with something or other, and my mother-in-law was diagnosed with breast cancer.. again! If I had the money, I’d pack up my son (my entire family) and we would go to Lakeland, Florida for prayer and time with the Lord.

I think I’m worn out. I’m crashing and burning. Can we stop the train for minute? I want to get off!

But then I talk with my kids, or with other people having problems, and I am reminded, even as I remind them…stuff happens. This is all temporary. None of this will go on forever. As a friend of mine used to say, “This too shall pass.”

God is still there, and He still loves us. He hasn’t left us nor forsaken us. He is holding us. Even when it piles up so deep that I cannot see past it… His view is never obstructed. He sees the end from the beginning.

Blessings today to you, on this crazy ride we call life.

Heidi

Ok, hopefully you won’t be offended… but I had to share this blog post from Serving Bread listing the 10 reasons “Men Should Not Be Ordained.” Yeah, maybe I have a strange sense of humor (ok, no maybe about it)… but we hear all the arguments about why women cannot minister. Here is the ‘flip-side’ for you.

Here’s the article…

Ten Reasons Why Men Should Not Be Ordained (by Serving Bread)

10. A man’s place is in the army.
9. The pastoral duties of men who have children might distract them from the responsibility of being a parent.
8. The physique of men indicates that they are more suited to such tasks as chopping down trees and wrestling mountain lions. It would be “unnatural” for them to do ministerial tasks.
7. Man was created before woman, obviously as a prototype. Thus, they represent an experiment rather than the crowning achievement of creation.
6. Men are too emotional to be priests or pastors. Their conduct at football and basketball games demonstrates this.
5. Some men are handsome, and this will distract women worshipers.
4. Pastors need to nurture their congregations. But this is not a traditional male role. Throughout history, women have been recognized as not only more skilled than men at nurturing, but also more fervently attracted to it. This makes them the obvious choice for ordination.
3. Men are prone to violence. No really masculine man wants to settle disputes except by fighting about them. Thus they would be poor role models as well as dangerously unstable in positions of leadership.
2. The New Testament tells us that Jesus was betrayed by a man. His lack of faith and ensuing punishment remind us of the subordinated position that all men should take.
1. Men can still be involved in church activities, even without being ordained. They can sweep sidewalks, repair the church roof, and perhaps even lead the song service on Father’s Day. By confining themselves to such traditional male roles, they can still be vitally important in the life of the church.