things i’m learning along the way (aka: I’m messed up, but it isn’t all a bad thing)

Jeff, at Losing My Religion: Re-thinking Church, summed up the changes in his beliefs since he began the journey of deconstruction.  I started to leave a long response to his post “Just Some Stuff I’ve Learned”, but decided to just post it here, and send you over there to read what he has learned.  I could simply repeat Jeff’s list of the changes in his thinking as my own… but I’ll let his list explain, and add my post as more of a personal response of how my life has changed (for good and bad) due to my own very similar changes of thought.

Jeff wrote, “It’s as if I can look at myself now, and the “me” back a few years ago, and it looks like two different people.”

Today was a good day to read this.  Last night I didn’t sleep well, wondering where I took a wrong turn.  When exactly did I become the one who not only doesn’t fit in with the crowd, but the one who doesn’t want to.  I used to try… thinking that if I could I would somehow have “made it.”  I still have a desire to fit in somewhere, -c’mon, who doesn’t- but I no longer desire to be the “super-Christian” that is accepted based on how “spiritual” I am.  I am not the same person I was a few years ago…. or perhaps I’m more “me” now, rather than the person I used to pretend to be.

As I thought that over, I realized that, while I don’t pretend to have all the answers anymore, I also am so much more free than ever before.

• I’m free not to judge people
• I’m free not to “accept” judgment from people
• I’m free to question things without fear of triggering another’s anger, judgment and dismissal of me as insignificant (gasp, I would be on the outside once again).
• I’m free to love God
• I’m free to love people without the religious masks and pretense getting in the way (although as a lifetime learned behavior, this one will take some time).
• I’m free to be myself
• I’m free to admit I don’t have all the answers (and point to the One who is the answer)

I still have a long way to go in the freedom department, but I’m learning.  I still get caught in the hinge between two worlds, as I struggle to shed the past, and embrace what God is doing in our lives now.

I don’t feel I’m ministering to anyone in any way right now, and that is one thing that I’m struggling with (and that is perhaps a left-over from years of being taught what ministry “should” look like). Such is the void we are in at the moment having only recently taken a break from trying to find a church, and not knowing what the next step is or how this will all play out.

Worse than that, I feel like I could very well be like the dog who was always beaten for leaving its cage, and now that the door is open he starves to death in fear of leaving.  I’m hesitant to step out into this new world for a few reasons.

1. I have a solid belief in Jesus Christ… but I have so many more questions than answers about how to walk that out.  (ie. I don’t have all the answers anymore)
2. I know I’m called to ‘ministry’ (as we all are) but what does that mean for me?  What is it supposed to look like?  I’m a leader who wants to be a servant leader, not a bossy one (see a great list of the difference here on Brant Hanson’s Blog, Letters From Kamp Krusty… this list is worth it’s own post)
3. Am I just in rebellion?  (I don’t feel rebellious… but it was such a terrible thing to be that we were all afraid of that label)
4. Nearly everyone I know believes we should go back to the IC (institutional church).  I will if that is what we feel what God wants and what is best for our family… but otherwise, I really don’t want to.
5. I don’t want to “build” an institution (I don’t want to recreate Egypt), but I’m desperate for community, whatever it may look like
6. I know there are other people like us… people who have fallen between the cracks of institutional church… but I don’t know how to find them.
7. I’m not sure I’m disciplined and strong enough to be sure we are intentionally in fellowship.
8. What about accountability?
9. It really is difficult to meet/hang-out  with anyone when we have 4 kids.
10. I’m struggling against the temptation to become a hermit.  I normally thrive on interaction, since I’m a people-person.  But I’ve had some serious fatigue struggles lately, and it is tempting to just give up and stay safely in my little world.
11. I never, ever, EVER want to go back to needing the masks and being in bondage to religion.

So now that I’ve been as completely transparent as I know how to be, tell me what to do now!  Just kidding…. sort of.    One day at a time.

wondering…

Warning, this is one of those honest and “real” type posts that may be disturbing for some.  More questions than answers here…

We are wondering what is next for us.  The sad part is, we’ve been wondering that for awhile.  This season of my life has more to do with children/homework/school/bedtimes than it does with anything else, (not that I’m complaining…I love my kids!) but it feels like we’ve just been treading water for awhile now.

We are starting our little home group again in a few weeks.  It is with my sister and her family… and my family.  Not so many people, a lot of kids between us, but if she doesn’t have another baby this year we can be more consistent with it.    I do some dreaming about where this all could lead, and sometimes I dream so big it is scary… only God knows.

A cousin of mine, who is a pastor in another state, visited a few days ago and lectured us for not going to church somewhere right now. (she meant the very best, and was genuinely concerned for us)  My cousin doesn’t know where we are at right now…. and right or wrong we are not that interested in just finding a pew to sit in so that we can say we are going to church somewhere.  We want to be in the right place for us (the place God wants us in) whatever that looks like, and wherever that may be.  But we don’t have a clue what or where that is, or even what it is going to look like!

We had been attending a church for the past year that didn’t work out for us (and yes there was a lot more to our decision to leave than just being ignored, I just didn’t feel it was appropriate for me to discuss it on here… and honestly, we might go back someday… but after leaving worship practice multiple times in tears, sobbing the entire way home, it seemed logical not to continue placing myself in the line of fire).  We’ve only been out for a few months, and I’m more content than I have been in ages simply by losing the soap-opera drama stuff… although I can see in myself right now that if I’m not careful, I will happily become a hermit.

Why does everyone feel that it is their responsibility to force us to go to church?  Honestly, I’d much rather meet some other people who are wandering, spend time with them, build relationships, fellowship, minister to one another, and see where it goes from there.  But where does that leave my children?  Are they better off in the traditional Sunday School format?  To be brutally honest… while I personally got the complete traditional Sunday School upbringing, the legalism drove me away from the church, rather than towards Jesus.  I suppose it depends on the Sunday School.

There is so much I don’t know… so much I’m in the process of learning, but still haven’t grasped.

And what is with the pressure that says, “You must attend a specific meeting, in a real building, in a church with a name on the door, on an actually Sunday between 8 and 11 am in order to be OK with us.” ?    Don’t misunderstand… we WANT fellowship.  We desire, and even crave, community.  It is what it will look like that is all up in the air for us right now.

….to be continued…. (when I know more)