The third side

Wow, what a week I’ve had. Here is my unselfish side that stays with a friend no matter what, and my selfish side that wants to scream and rail and run, battling it out with one another.  The unselfish and loyal side won, but at a high cost to the other.  Good luck making sense of the rambling, but I had to get it all out.

My sister had a baby and gave her up for adoption. Rather than leave her to be alone for this, I drove her to the hospital last week to have her baby.

The back story here:  I was adopted at a few weeks old. My parents conceived my younger sister when I was 2. I struggled, as do many, many adoptees, with self-esteem issues, a fear of abandonment, and feeling there was something wrong with me that my mom would throw me away. The feeling that I never really belonged, and I wasn’t a “real” child of theirs.   But I had parents who loved me, and taught me about God. I love them as my parents. God has done a lot of healing in my life in this area, but there are still things left, as I found out last week.

When I was in my early 20′s, I met my birthmom. While it was cathartic to learn she had been forced to give me up, I don’t have the same bond with her that I do my adoptive parents. She was my ‘mother,’ but they were my “Mommy and Daddy.” They were very insecure about my meeting her, but they learned that my feeling for them didn’t change (in fact, grew stronger) with the addition of new family members. My feelings towards my biological mother are probably akin to a much loved aunt.

I also met my 3 biological sisters at that time. One of which I started this story with, as she is the one who had a baby.

Also, my husband and I have adopted a child. After 3 biological children, we adopted a 7 year old girl 4 years ago. That has been a roller-coaster in itself.  Our beautiful princess who has added so much to our lives, has her share of baggage.  I feel for her and her own pain, grief, and sense of abandonment.  I hope we can help her with all of that, since I am not ignorant of what it is like to be adopted, although her story is so much deeper than just that.

Back to the present:   My sister, a single mom of several children, decided to give this baby up for adoption. I wanted to adopt the child, but I knew (duh) it wasn’t my decision to make. Unfortunately for me, happily for them,  she chose a couple who had no children.

It was hard, but it was a whirlwind from labor until hand-off, when the adoptive family took custody and left with the baby. Off to their anonymous home, in an anonymous city, possibly never to be heard from again.

WHAT?!!??!! Reality comes screeching in. On top of grief and loss, the old ‘Rejection-complex’ rears up.  Abandonment issues come to the surface.  Knowledge of how that little person might feel in the future pops up.   Why didn’t my sister let us raise the baby? She could have had a completely open adoption with us. The siblings would know each other, etc… (and yet, the new parents were overjoyed to have her, and baby will be very loved, even though they  probably won’t know their bio siblings and other family.)  I’ve been reading up on open adoption where the bio family and the new family become one extended family to one another.  To me, the product of a closed adoption, that sounds wonderful, and this anonymous (first names only) adoption is back to the old days when out of wedlock births as well as infertility was all so “shameful.”  I’m not debating here, just sharing my viewpoint as an adoptee.

I didn’t realize how much pain is still there from being adopted. I didn’t realize how much this was going to mess me up, or I might have walked out and allowed her to do this on her own (except that isn’t my way… I took the hits until I thought I wouldn’t make it, but they kept coming).

So I’ve been adopted, I’ve adopted, and now I’ve stood there and watched a baby disappear from our lives into the void of adoption. It sucks to be on this side! This isn’t the fairy tale. This isn’t the happily-ever-after. This is the side of raw grief and pain. Of empty arms and tears. Mine, anyway. So far my sister has shown no reaction except relief and gratitude – which makes me feel worse, because I wasn’t wanted either, you see?

Between the reality, and the projection of my own rejection complex (and being rejected to be the parents of this child) I’m hurting worse than I have in a long time.

This side of adoption isn’t as much fun as the side of the adoptive parent… but it is reminiscent of being adopted, and the emotions that come from it.  I had no choice in whether I was adopted or not.  I also had no choice about this adoption.   I can’t go further with that, or I’ll start crying again…  And no, my sister seems to have no idea how high the cost was for me in doing everything she asked of me… and I prefer to keep it that way for now.

Early tonight I was saying to my newest family member (in my head of course), “There is NOTHING wrong with you.  It wasn’t your fault.”  And the tears started to flow.   Because I know that was the root of my own struggles for so long.  I can only pray this child never feels that way.  Hopefully the  new mom and dad will find a way to reassure, and they will grow up without that pain.

Most stories have 2 sides to them.  Adoption has 3.  And this third side seems sad and empty….

trust issues

I’ve made a discovery over the past few days.  I have no trust left in people.  I’ve always had a hard time trusting, but right now I’ve got none for almost anyone.

I was thinking about going to church sometime, and I nearly panicked.   The thought of pasting on the smile, and acting the part, greeting acquaintances, and never really getting to know anyone just didn’t sound like my idea of fun.  I would love to go worship, and hear a message, but I can do that at home… right here at my computer.  I want the fellowship, but I’m not certain a church building is the place I’m going to get that.

Weird, huh?

Or is it?

If you go outside in your bare feet, and keep getting stung by bees, I suppose you would stop that behavior and begin wearing shoes.  If you pushed a fork into an electrical outlet, and were shocked, I suppose (unless you like being electrocuted) you would change your behavior.  If church becomes a place of misery that one goes to out of a sense of duty, should one continue going?  I don’t know anymore.

What is the old quote about insanity?

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.      ~Albert Einstein

So I guess I need to work through some of the ‘trust’ issues with God , and see where I stand then.  After all, I don’t want to end up on the floor in the lobby of some church in the fetal position, crying for my mommy… 
But the upside… this did prompt a long talk with God.     I’m sure he has a plan in mind…. I just have to wait for him to share it with me.

Can We Be Real (part 2)

This is part 2 of my thoughts about authenticity within the Christian faith.  You can read part 1 here.

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I think the first step towards being real and authentic, is to understand why we are wearing masks in the first place.

I think there are several reasons we wear masks.

1. We want to be accepted.
We find a church, or a group of people and the metamorphosis begins. Some of us are really good at this. I’m able to change myself to mimic the people I’m with. I do this subconsciously, but I know it goes back to that need to be accepted, loved and a part of something.

2. We are taught to do this.
There are many ways we are taught to hide.  Just one example is this (I’m not intending to offend anyone).  In some Christian camps we are taught that our words have power. We know there are many scriptures pertaining to the power of the tongue. But rather than confessing that we are not perfect, and that we need a savior, we are taught to confess (ie. lie) what we want to be. So if we mention we are sick, we are told to confess health. My leg is not broken, it is healed and healthy. If our leg is not healed, it is due to our lack of faith and our failure to confess properly, rather than the fact that we slipped on the ice and broke it. We are not allowed to speak out loud anything contrary to perfection. We cannot mention that we are depressed, sad, grieving, sick, broken, hurting, or we expose our lack of faith.  So we put on the mask of religious perfection so that others will see our faith, and not our faults.

3. We fear judgment.
If we are taught to confess perfection, we will be judged if we say anything else. Also, rather than really hearing one another, we try and ‘fix’ one another.
Have you ever spent much time around a religious person? You know who I mean… that person who is always cheerful, kind, reads their Bible 7 hours a day, quotes scripture, and is perfect in every visible way? Just try it sometime.   Tell them you’ve been feeling depressed, or you are worried about one of your children.   You’ll feel about 2 inches tall, and totally inferior. I’m not saying reading or quoting the Bible is wrong! I’m just saying that we start putting on masks to avoid the lectures. Perhaps if we would support people rather than tear them down, people would feel more free to share!

I’m sure there are other reasons to wear masks. Some of it is personality. We may just be a more private person. Some of it is family, and the way we were raised. “Don’t air the dirty laundry.”

So many people are looking for something ‘real.’ They aren’t finding it. In order to be a part of things, they have to pretend to be something that they are not, and honestly, that isn’t very attractive to a lot of people.

What other reasons do people wear masks in your experience?

Not an obligation…. an invitation

This has been echoing in my head for a few days now. It is in regards to something specific that God is asking me to do, yes… but when I was whining about it (whining? Not me… ok, yes, me) I heard these words whispered…

It is not an obligation, Heidi…. it is an invitation. An invitation into relationships, restoration and renewal.

Meaning, I don’t HAVE to! (woo hoo) I really don’t. What a relief. There is nothing worse than feeling forced into something.

But if I choose not to, I’ll miss something special.

Hmmmm… suddenly curiosity begins to wage a battle to find out what that something special is.

seasons of time

Seasons.  The fall leaves that were so beautiful and inspiring a week ago, are now mostly on the ground.  The lovely reds, oranges, and yellows are turning black and will soon be covered with snow.

We all have seasons in our lives.  Some are huge and momentous.  Like mountains rising up before us we cannot help but notice the great changes in our lives.  Good or bad.   Hard or simple. New jobs, new cities, new families, friendships… deaths, losses, rejection, grief.

There are, at times,  brief seasons that we barely notice drifting by.  The small things that change but barely make it into our conscious mind.  An acquaintance.  Home repairs.  New cars, or promotions.

There are seasons that stretch out longer and longer, until we think we will never move from this spot again.  Sometimes that is miserable, other times we grow comfortable in it.  Depression, parenting, chronic illness, careers, retirement.  Then change comes once again.

I love change.  I hate change.

Change can be stimulating, exciting and motivating.

Change can be dreaded, miserable and depressing.

And yet… no matter the season we are in, we don’t need to be alone.

Even when the storms come.  Through joy and gladness, or pain and sorrow in our lives, we can know this.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified.

What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. Who is he that condemns? Christ Jesus, who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written:
“For your sake we face death all day long;
we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.”No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.   (Romans 8, 28-39)

things i’m learning along the way (aka: I’m messed up, but it isn’t all a bad thing)

Jeff, at Losing My Religion: Re-thinking Church, summed up the changes in his beliefs since he began the journey of deconstruction.  I started to leave a long response to his post “Just Some Stuff I’ve Learned”, but decided to just post it here, and send you over there to read what he has learned.  I could simply repeat Jeff’s list of the changes in his thinking as my own… but I’ll let his list explain, and add my post as more of a personal response of how my life has changed (for good and bad) due to my own very similar changes of thought.

Jeff wrote, “It’s as if I can look at myself now, and the “me” back a few years ago, and it looks like two different people.”

Today was a good day to read this.  Last night I didn’t sleep well, wondering where I took a wrong turn.  When exactly did I become the one who not only doesn’t fit in with the crowd, but the one who doesn’t want to.  I used to try… thinking that if I could I would somehow have “made it.”  I still have a desire to fit in somewhere, -c’mon, who doesn’t- but I no longer desire to be the “super-Christian” that is accepted based on how “spiritual” I am.  I am not the same person I was a few years ago…. or perhaps I’m more “me” now, rather than the person I used to pretend to be.

As I thought that over, I realized that, while I don’t pretend to have all the answers anymore, I also am so much more free than ever before.

• I’m free not to judge people
• I’m free not to “accept” judgment from people
• I’m free to question things without fear of triggering another’s anger, judgment and dismissal of me as insignificant (gasp, I would be on the outside once again).
• I’m free to love God
• I’m free to love people without the religious masks and pretense getting in the way (although as a lifetime learned behavior, this one will take some time).
• I’m free to be myself
• I’m free to admit I don’t have all the answers (and point to the One who is the answer)

I still have a long way to go in the freedom department, but I’m learning.  I still get caught in the hinge between two worlds, as I struggle to shed the past, and embrace what God is doing in our lives now.

I don’t feel I’m ministering to anyone in any way right now, and that is one thing that I’m struggling with (and that is perhaps a left-over from years of being taught what ministry “should” look like). Such is the void we are in at the moment having only recently taken a break from trying to find a church, and not knowing what the next step is or how this will all play out.

Worse than that, I feel like I could very well be like the dog who was always beaten for leaving its cage, and now that the door is open he starves to death in fear of leaving.  I’m hesitant to step out into this new world for a few reasons.

1. I have a solid belief in Jesus Christ… but I have so many more questions than answers about how to walk that out.  (ie. I don’t have all the answers anymore)
2. I know I’m called to ‘ministry’ (as we all are) but what does that mean for me?  What is it supposed to look like?  I’m a leader who wants to be a servant leader, not a bossy one (see a great list of the difference here on Brant Hanson’s Blog, Letters From Kamp Krusty… this list is worth it’s own post)
3. Am I just in rebellion?  (I don’t feel rebellious… but it was such a terrible thing to be that we were all afraid of that label)
4. Nearly everyone I know believes we should go back to the IC (institutional church).  I will if that is what we feel what God wants and what is best for our family… but otherwise, I really don’t want to.
5. I don’t want to “build” an institution (I don’t want to recreate Egypt), but I’m desperate for community, whatever it may look like
6. I know there are other people like us… people who have fallen between the cracks of institutional church… but I don’t know how to find them.
7. I’m not sure I’m disciplined and strong enough to be sure we are intentionally in fellowship.
8. What about accountability?
9. It really is difficult to meet/hang-out  with anyone when we have 4 kids.
10. I’m struggling against the temptation to become a hermit.  I normally thrive on interaction, since I’m a people-person.  But I’ve had some serious fatigue struggles lately, and it is tempting to just give up and stay safely in my little world.
11. I never, ever, EVER want to go back to needing the masks and being in bondage to religion.

So now that I’ve been as completely transparent as I know how to be, tell me what to do now!  Just kidding…. sort of.    One day at a time.

Sweet Fellowship

Ahh… I just got home from a night out with a friend of mine.  Diane has been my friend for… wow, 5 years now or so.  We met through a mutual friend who worked with her, and went to church with me.  We e-mailed for awhile, then called on the phone (who says internet relationships can’t last) and then met in person.  She lives about 45 minutes away from me, so our circles don’t cross unless we intentionally arrange for them to.  We met during a time when we were both struggling through some things and we could relate to one another.  I haven’t seen her in awhile, and out of the blue she e-mailed me to see if we could go for coffee.  She didn’t know my dad had just died.  She didn’t know we are out of church, and feeling dry and wandering.  She didn’t know I was feeling very discouraged.  She just offered a hand of friendship when I so desperately needed one.

And, of course, the chocolate coffee didn’t hurt either. 

We talked about God… she listened to me, and then we talked more about God…. talked about God some more, and then to end things, we talked about God.  Fellowship is a wonderful thing, and what an encouragement she was to me tonight when I didn’t even realize how much I just needed a friend.

A friend who loves me, just for me.  Ahhh… sweet!

sayings & thoughts

I read this today…

When you find yourself in a pit, stop digging.

So I was thinking about all the times I dug myself a pit and kept trying to dig my way out of it.

I was also thinking about the pits we fall into that someone else created, or the traps that were laid for us. But the hardest to get out of seem to be the ones we dig ourselves.

What are you thinking?

randomness

I’ve been having this disturbing feeling for the past few weeks.  I’m forgetting something.  I don’t know what I’m forgetting, but I have that unsettling feeling that I have forgotten something important… or worse yet, several important somethings.  If you know what it is I’m forgetting, please let me know!

I am craving Ethiopian food.  I can cook it, but I want a restaurant to do it for me.  An authentic Ethiopian meal.    A year ago we lived 10 minutes from one.  Now, the closest is Cleveland, Pittsburgh, or Rochester (all 3-4 hours from us).  Maybe when I travel to Cincinnati in August I can track one down to eat in. 

We are rather lost at the moment.  Don’t know where to go, or what we are supposed to be doing.  Does anyone have a map we can follow?  

regrets, consequences and condemnation…. what about grace?

Jeff wrote a great post about regrets (read it here) that is resonating in my mind. Do you have regrets? Of course you do. I do. I have made some big mistakes in my lifetime. Most of them are my own fault. Some of the regrets are because I allowed other people to decide things for me (still my own fault). Several regrets are because in hindsight, I think I should have taken a different path (then again, perhaps not). A few regrets stem back to someone else’s poor choices, but this post is not about forgiving others, but rather dealing with my own sin. To be honest, some of the greatest regrets involve a loss of relationship.

What do we do with these regrets? We know absolutely that there is ‘No Condemnation” for those who are in Christ Jesus. But what does that mean for me? Does it mean I hold no responsibility for my actions? No. I still live with the consequences of my behavior. In fact, where it has involved others, they too carry the consequences for my behavior. That is a sobering thought. I’m not the only one involved.

So who condemns us? Romans 8 makes it clear that Jesus doesn’t condemn us. In fact, he is interceding for us! That is quite a thought! We condemn ourselves… others condemn us… we condemn others… the accuser of the brethren condemns us… but Jesus is interceding for us. Wow.

So what do we do with all the condemnation that we are NOT supposed to be carrying? Some people are really good at not carrying it. I’ve always struggled a bit to let go of it.

Since some of my sin has had an effect on others, I confess it to my Father, and receive forgiveness, absolutely! But there are still people who have been hurt by my actions. Where I’m able, I can confess and repent to the people I’ve injured. And I have. But there are areas where I cannot go back and ask for forgiveness from someone. So one thing I can do is confess to another person. I know that in the Protestant/Evangelical circles, we don’t believe there needs to be a mediator between God and ourselves. True. We can go to to the Father through Jesus with everything directly. But there is a scripture that talks about confessing our sins to one another (James 5:16). There is something healing in that. Chad talked about it in a post he wrote about condemnation (read it here).

But after all has been said and done, and we have confessed and repented… we have allowed ourselves to be humble and ask for forgiveness and restoration of damaged relationships… there must come a point at which we forgive ourselves and let it go. Ouch. Is this the hardest part? It is for me. To let go of the self-condemnation and move forward, receiving the grace God has offered us. How do we accept the fact that some things will not be made right by us? That God will redeem it, but we cannot fix it. We do all we can, but some choices and mistakes are beyond our own fixing. Some things have consequences that follow us through our life.

I wish I could go back to a few points in my life and do it again. I would do things so much differently. But I don’t get that option. The only option left to me is to LET GO of what is behind, and press on…

If we can truly get a handle on grace… if we could see ourselves (and others) the way that God sees us… then we can get back up and try again. We can build again. We can try again, this time on a foundation that is solid. We will always make mistakes (say or do the wrong thing at times)…. but it is how we handle them that truly defines our heart and motives, and shows what we really believe.

Don’t misunderstand me… I’m not talking about works. I’m not saying that grace is earned! I’m talking about restoring relationships, and at times there is a bit of work involved in that. I’m talking about learning how to let go of the condemnation and move forward in Christ.