Doing a bit better?

Having a good few weeks. I’m not really sure why, but I’m able to run my kids everywhere they need to be. I’m in and out 3 and 4 times a day right now with swimming lessons, gymnastics and other activities, and surviving it. I hope it lasts!

I even worked out (gasp) for the first time in 4 years last week.  It was huge!  I was afraid to try it, because I thought it might cause a relapse (like it usually would) but it didn’t.  Phew!   Haven’t been able to repeat it yet, but I was very happy to be able to even just do that one time.  Turtle steps.

I’ll love you, even if you don’t attend my church

So the other day I talked about my experience with people only loving those willing to join their church, or their circle.  I mentioned a specific conversation I had with a person where I was rejected for their ministry because I wasn’t “attending” a church (and even though I explained my health reasons, they didn’t even comment on that, refusing to consider anything except the fact that I didn’t meet their iron-clad ‘criterion’ as a Christian, or a minister)

To understand this post, you really need to go back and read that post, titled:  If you join my church I will love you.

I wanted to do justice to the story however, and tell you the bright side to the story, even though it makes the hurt worse in a way, because it becomes more personal.

After this situation happened, I was so hurt that a few days later I blew up all over my facebook page.  Without naming names or even the circumstances, I mentioned how unhappy I was with religious people who lied, and how I thought that my children shouldn’t even be going to that church if that was how they were going to be.

A few hours later I received a phone call from the pastor of the church.  This is a man I graduated from High School with, and have known for many, many years.  He was the assistant pastor back when this was our home church. The one we left because it was our “abusive” church, and the one we had to walk away from because the senior pastor (who has now been ‘outed’ for reason that have no point to this story, but if you are familiar with our story, you know about) and his wife were horrid and abusive to us.  Anyway, (this man who called) he is now the Sr. Pastor there.

He was very concerned about us, and wondered “What in the world had happened!”  So I told him! I seem to be getting over the years of “silence.”  Un-learning the unhealthy practice of keeping it all in. 

He assured me that in no way had the church made the decision that I had to be a part of a church to minister,  and neither was that person nor the director acting as HIS mouth-piece.  He was also fairly positive that the ministry they had “un-invited” me to be a part of, had no such rules.  He also hadn’t heard anything about it, so he wasn’t sure what was what. However, he also offered me the olive branch of belonging…. if I ever came across a similar situation, I should feel free to tell them that I belong (and always belong, no matter if I attend or not) to their church, and he will back me up on that.  No matter how far we go, or even if we go to another church, it always feels to him that we are a part of that church.  Hmm….  And since, he has reached out in a few other small ways that show love in action, not words.

So I just wanted you all to know the flip-side of the story.
In a way it made the lying all that much worse, and more personal… but it also gave me the sense that there is at least one person out there who isn’t hung up on the building and the meetings… but is trying to really love the people.  And if there is one… there is hope there are others.

living exhausted without hope… but maybe the sun is rising?

I’ve had pain since I was 16.  Physical pain.   Diagnosed when I was around 26 with Fibromyalgia.  It is a frustrating disease, since the treatment options are limited.   The doctors tell you that you have it, but then they have no idea how to help.

So I’m used to pain.  My neck and right shoulder are almost constantly hurting.  Such is my life, and while I don’t like it, I’ve adjusted to it.

3 years ago I began to struggle with horrendous fatigue, the likes I’ve never experienced except when caused by the occasional all-nighter.  I’ve gone to many doctors, they all just tell me it is the fibromyalgia or depression.  I’ve been diagnosed with adrenal insufficiency, B12 deficiency, Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis, and treatment all of these things still have not erased the fatigue.  I also knew I had a D deficiency, and likewise, the dosage I was giving didn’t seem to  help so I blew it off.  It was an offhand comment by the doctor anyway as I was leaving… oh, you are D deficient, take some D.

This past year has been debilitating.  I haven’t been able to do much of anything.  I have to save up my energy for activities, then it takes 3 days or more before I can function again.  It is very frustrating.  I’ve gained a ton of weight because I seriously am unable to do anything physical without being knocked on my butt for 3 or 4 days.  I hardly eat, but I still gain.  Go figure.

Everyone has the answer.  Have you been there?  You need to exercise… you need to take this vitamin… you need to take that treatment…. Even my mother calls me and wants me to go places with her, and get some exercise.  If you’ve ever struggled with severe fatigue, you know that it is impossible to function!  Often I would slur my speech because I was too tired to talk.  I had trouble thinking, and was always losing things because the effort to recall was beyond me.  I’m so weak, constantly dropping things, tripping over things that aren’t there, and I shuffle through the house sometimes, unable to move faster than a crawl.

A few weeks ago I had an MRI to see if they could find evidence of MS.  It was negative.  They are looking for MS and Lupus at this point, and they are at a loss as to what to tell me.  I was seriously giving up on any hope of ever feeling better.  Finally I was very depressed.  It is actually rather scary to be at the point of giving up but it takes energy to keep fighting, and I didn’t have any.

I didn’t have the energy to write anymore, or read the blogs I’ve always enjoyed.  For the first time in weeks I opened my reader, and the first thing I read was  this article at a friends blog.  It is about vitamin D deficiency and how her daughter is finding help.  Knowing I have a deficiency anyway,  I started myself on some higher doses of D3.  It seems to be helping.    I find myself with some hope again.  I took my family to a nearby city for a day at Chuck E. Cheese’s and the zoo.  I didn’t crash until I was home!  That is HUGE!  It has taken me a few days to recover from that trip, but it is still HUGE!

Hope is a good thing…..