living exhausted without hope… but maybe the sun is rising?

May 23, 2009 at 7:40 am | In Chronic Fatige, Fibromyalgia, Hope, Vitamin D, depression | 27 Comments

I’ve had pain since I was 16.  Physical pain.   Diagnosed when I was around 26 with Fibromyalgia.  It is a frustrating disease, since the treatment options are limited.   The doctors tell you that you have it, but then they have no idea how to help.

So I’m used to pain.  My neck and right shoulder are almost constantly hurting.  Such is my life, and while I don’t like it, I’ve adjusted to it.

3 years ago I began to struggle with horrendous fatigue, the likes I’ve never experienced except when caused by the occasional all-nighter.  I’ve gone to many doctors, they all just tell me it is the fibromyalgia or depression.  I’ve been diagnosed with adrenal insufficiency, B12 deficiency, Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis, and treatment all of these things still have not erased the fatigue.  I also knew I had a D deficiency, and likewise, the dosage I was giving didn’t seem to  help so I blew it off.  It was an offhand comment by the doctor anyway as I was leaving… oh, you are D deficient, take some D.

This past year has been debilitating.  I haven’t been able to do much of anything.  I have to save up my energy for activities, then it takes 3 days or more before I can function again.  It is very frustrating.  I’ve gained a ton of weight because I seriously am unable to do anything physical without being knocked on my butt for 3 or 4 days.  I hardly eat, but I still gain.  Go figure.

Everyone has the answer.  Have you been there?  You need to exercise… you need to take this vitamin… you need to take that treatment…. Even my mother calls me and wants me to go places with her, and get some exercise.  If you’ve ever struggled with severe fatigue, you know that it is impossible to function!  Often I would slur my speech because I was too tired to talk.  I had trouble thinking, and was always losing things because the effort to recall was beyond me.  I’m so weak, constantly dropping things, tripping over things that aren’t there, and I shuffle through the house sometimes, unable to move faster than a crawl.

A few weeks ago I had an MRI to see if they could find evidence of MS.  It was negative.  They are looking for MS and Lupus at this point, and they are at a loss as to what to tell me.  I was seriously giving up on any hope of ever feeling better.  Finally I was very depressed.  It is actually rather scary to be at the point of giving up but it takes energy to keep fighting, and I didn’t have any.

I didn’t have the energy to write anymore, or read the blogs I’ve always enjoyed.  For the first time in weeks I opened my reader, and the first thing I read was  this article at a friends blog.  It is about vitamin D deficiency and how her daughter is finding help.  Knowing I have a deficiency anyway,  I started myself on some higher doses of D3.  It seems to be helping.    I find myself with some hope again.  I took my family to a nearby city for a day at Chuck E. Cheese’s and the zoo.  I didn’t crash until I was home!  That is HUGE!  It has taken me a few days to recover from that trip, but it is still HUGE!

Hope is a good thing…..

Taking life seriously…

March 18, 2009 at 7:55 am | In depression | 11 Comments
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Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyways. — Anonymous

I’m often guilty of taking life too seriously. I usually have a sense of humor that can kick in in the worst circumstances, but  right now I don’t find the humor in much of anything.

I’ve always had the tendency towards a melancholy personality, winter being the roughest time of year for me.

As usual for this time of year, I’ve been struggling with depression. Too much introspection and remembering. Sick children, grumpy people, and my own thoughts and emotions have waylaid me.

I haven’t been posting, because I really have nothing worthwhile to say.

However, spring is coming, and some sunshine will certainly go a long way towards lifting everyone’s spirits.

C’mon spring, hurry up and get here already!

Sometimes Love Is “No.”

December 18, 2008 at 4:16 pm | In Church, church dropouts, clb, depression, friendship, marriage, spiritual abuse | 11 Comments
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Molly wrote an amazing post called “Letters to an Abused Soul: When Love Is “No.” Here is an excerpt.

In fact, what do you do when you realize you’ve been conned, regularly, repeatedly, by someone who is literally a mastermind at manipulating? When years of your life were spent being lied to, being twisted, being played? When you thought you were giving your all to something that was living and good, and really your energies and your love and your spirit were being sucked down into a black hole that would never be satisfied, that could never get enough, that would always want more until it finally sucked out the last bit of life you had.

And when, because of your own warped view of what it means to be loving and gracious—perhaps even a view that would be perfectly healthy if you were dealing with a healthy spouse or a healthy church or a healthy friend—you knew that something was wrong, something didn’t feel right, yet, because you thought that love never stopped giving, you let it happen again, and then again, and then again, until it became so normal that you forgot it wasn’t.

I think you get away from that spouse or that church or that friend.

This post did me in.  Hit me right in the gut.  I literally have a stomach ache now.  It brought up a lot of pain I’d thought was behind me, but it is timely because I have a friend in an abusive situation right now, and I’m going to pass this along to her.

Go read the rest of the article, and feel free to come back here and discuss it if you would like to.

Blessings,

HW

quote

September 28, 2008 at 10:51 am | In depression | 12 Comments

“The hardest battle you’re ever going to fight is the battle to be just you.” — Leo Buscaglia

Blah

September 21, 2008 at 10:06 am | In depression | 7 Comments

Blah, blah, blah, blah….

That about sums it up for me.

How are YOU doing?

grief takes time

August 26, 2008 at 7:13 am | In depression, grief | 14 Comments
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Grief doesn’t go away overnight.  I can feel the effects of it on my life even though I’m not actively thinking about it very often.  My friend called me on it a few days ago.  She wanted to know why I’m upset with her.  Huh?  I’m not.  I’m upset with EVERYONE (but no one, if that makes sense).  Especially MYSELF for being overwhelmed by everything, irritable, grumpy, depressed…

My kids are probably glad they are starting school today.  I am too.  I need some time by myself.  It will only be a few hours a day that my littlest are in PreK, but it is more than I have had all summer.

It hits at strange times.  When my two oldest got into trouble for spitting off the high ride at the amusement park, I was horrified.  I told my mom and she laughed, and I wanted to tell my dad (he would have thought it was hilarious).  But he isn’t here anymore.

My parents live next door.  My dad would have been sitting on the porch this morning watching my kids get on the bus.  He would have prayed for them today and thought about them all day.   When they got home this afternoon he would have been calling right away to find out how their day went.

Yes, I know all the answers.  He is in a better place.  He is happy and healthy there.  I know, I know!!!!  BUT I STILL MISS HIM!  And it hurts.

Relationships

August 14, 2008 at 9:34 pm | In depression | 11 Comments
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I’ve been thinking a lot about relationships. How much they mean… how painful it is when they are broken. I’m sitting here tonight and wondering why we find it so easy to walk away. I’m thinking we just don’t have a handle on ‘Love’ yet. Any thoughts?

Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have.
Love doesn’t strut,
Doesn’t have a swelled head,
Doesn’t force itself on others,
Isn’t always “me first,”
Doesn’t fly off the handle,
Doesn’t keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn’t revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end. (1 Cor. 13: 4-7, The Message)

Something I’ve never been very good at

July 5, 2008 at 4:40 pm | In depression, grief, journaling | 11 Comments
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I’ve never been good at grieving. In fact, I’m downright bad at it. I’ve never really done it the right way. I have had to cry for people years later (or never) because I have stuffed it all way down deep inside. At times I’ve cried for another reason… when I was 13, a family close to us lost a 3 year old boy to Leukemia. I finally cried because they were moving away, but never for the deep grief of losing the little guy.

I know this isn’t right. I’m trying to do it the right way this time. Perhaps because this is so near and dear to me, I find myself bursting into tears at strange times. I am someone who has gone years between tears, so it is strange for me to be so emotional.

I’m singing at my dad’s memorial service tomorrow. I’m not sure it is right, because I will have to detach from the grief in order to sing. But at the same time, I know he would love to have me sing. If I can figure out how to put the songs on here, I will (unless I lose it and cannot sing, which is entirely possible). We chose songs that meant something to my dad. Memories of him worshiping to these songs are precious and poignant.

He would love the service, because every step of the way we are deliberately honoring Christ. We are also honoring Dad. His life, and the legacy he leaves behind as one who loved Jesus with all of his heart, and who continually pointed people towards Jesus, and a life of freedom.

I find this season to be a bit strange. I’m offended by things I would never normally be offended by. I’m angry at times. I’m tearful and sad. Depressed. Withdrawn. Tired. But when I look into the emotions, I find that it all goes back to the root called “grief.” I hope that people can forgive me for my reactions right now. And what a lesson it is for me. I’m hoping I’ll be able to show grace towards people who are grieving in ways that I wasn’t able to before.

What a life…getting real.

May 1, 2008 at 8:36 pm | In depression, parenting | 5 Comments
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It has been a crazy week. No… a crazy year! I feel like I’m at the end of myself… on the edge of tears most of the time.

We moved back here to PA in August. The plan was to buy my parent’s house, and they were putting a new double wide on the property. It wasn’t ready in August, so we moved in with them for what was to be a short time. There new house was ready at the end of January! Yes… 6 months of 8 people in a 2 bedroom house (thankfully it is not too tiny…they used the entryway/sitting room for their bedroom, and we turned the living room into ours).

Our son, who is 9, has had a very difficult transition to his new school… battling bullies and depression and anxiety, and since Christmas he has been having frequent bouts of vomiting. Poor kid! I’ve been running him to Erie (1 hr) and Buffalo (2 hrs) to specialists who cannot figure out what is wrong for tests and more tests. Our other 3 children have thankfully stayed pretty healthy with only normal childhood things, although our Ethiopian princess has been having some behavior problems. Then my mom had a cardiac scare and has been sick all winter with something or other, and my mother-in-law was diagnosed with breast cancer.. again! If I had the money, I’d pack up my son (my entire family) and we would go to Lakeland, Florida for prayer and time with the Lord.

I think I’m worn out. I’m crashing and burning. Can we stop the train for minute? I want to get off!

But then I talk with my kids, or with other people having problems, and I am reminded, even as I remind them…stuff happens. This is all temporary. None of this will go on forever. As a friend of mine used to say, “This too shall pass.”

God is still there, and He still loves us. He hasn’t left us nor forsaken us. He is holding us. Even when it piles up so deep that I cannot see past it… His view is never obstructed. He sees the end from the beginning.

Blessings today to you, on this crazy ride we call life.

Heidi

spiritual abuse…

March 27, 2008 at 4:16 pm | In Church, depression, spiritual abuse | 2 Comments

I’m reading an interview about ’spiritual abuse’ with Jeff VanVonderen. He is the executive director of Spiritual Abuse Recovery Resources, a ministry of Christian Recovery International. I know nothing about this ministry except what I’ve read today… I was just looking for some insight into spiritual abuse. I found some very good articles.

If you’ve been through spiritual abuse (as a victim or an abuser) I would recommend you start reading the articles above. The ones I’ve read through so far have been good. There are books out there also, and a good counselor probably wouldn’t hurt.

It isn’t easy for me to be honest with you about this. But I know there are others who have been hurt by this also. And I don’t believe that putting on a facade, or pretending it never happened, will help me or anyone else.

It takes time to heal. I still find myself distrusting spiritual leaders and spiritual people, and I’m still struggling. I thought I was better, but in reality I just haven’t been involved with a church other than simple attendance in the past 4 years. The old adage is not always true about time healing all wounds. In fact, only Jesus heals all wounds, right?

In a previous post I gave some of my story about a church we attended that was abusive. We did sustain a lot of damage there. Then the person who helped pull me out of the situation ended up also being an abuser. My friend, who shall remain unnamed, seemed like a blessing. She was there just when life had completely fallen apart. Taking me by the hand, she led me out of the mine-field… and into her web. Why didn’t I recognize the danger? Because I was hurting, and it seemed like she genuinely cared for me. Isn’t that what we all want? Unconditional love? But this “love” ended up being anything but unconditional. So very controlling and manipulative… using spiritual things and “God said” to keep control, and then ditching me with horrible accusations (that God showed her) when she was done.

After all of this, I was beyond broken. Spiritual abuse, heaped upon spiritual abuse…

We moved away when my husband changed jobs, and I thought I was well past this, but now we’ve moved back to the area, and even though we don’t attend the original abusive church, and the ‘friend’ is not around anymore, I find that I am still somewhat broken.

And I am reading this article, beginning to understand why the healing hasn’t come quickly. Here is the excerpt that prompted this very long post…

Recovery is never easy for any of us. But I think that recovery from spiritual abuse is in some ways the most difficult of recovery journeys. One reason is that the person who has the greatest potential for helping us recover from spiritual abuse is the person we feel most alienated from.

Let me explain that a bit. When someone gets physically abused, they don’t necessarily distrust the Department of Social Services. The abuser wasn’t acting as a representative of the Department of Social Services when they abused the person. Similarly, when a woman gets abused sexually, she doesn’t necessarily distrust the person from the women’s shelter who offers to be helpful. She may distrust men in general, but the agency that is designed specifically to help is not necessarily a problem. The abuser was not acting as a representative of the agency designed to help abused people. So the woman who has been abused is not likely to think, If I go to the people who are from the agency that is designed to help me, I’m going to get hurt even worse. In the case of spiritual abuse, however, there is always a major problem with the “agency” that is specifically “designed” to be helpful: God. The fear is that if you go to God, you will get hurt even worse than you have already been hurt. Spiritual abuse always does damage to our relationship with God. It’s the worst. It’s a wound of the spirit. It’s a wound right down at the core of who we are.

STEPS: If you experience an abuser as acting on behalf of God, or speaking for God, or acting as an agent of God, you are really stuck.

Jeff: Abuse always happens in a relationship. And in the case of spiritual abuse, the abuse happens in the context of relationships where someone is in the role of representing God. Later, when the abuse has come to an end and we are looking for healthier relationships in which to recover, we may find other people—even people who may actually be faithfully representing God—but it will be difficult for us to trust in those relationships, difficult to invest again in relationships and difficult to relax.

STEPS: It seems like the struggle to trust people again is a very normal part of the recovery process after any kind of abuse. We usually start slow, risk a little, be vulnerable a little and gradually learn to trust again. But it’s much more difficult to give ourselves permission to have just a little bit of trust when it comes to our relationship with God. We often massively shame ourselves when our faith is hesitant or partial.

Jeff: Yes. One of the messages of the abusive system is that you have to have complete, total trust. So in recovery from spiritual abuse it is really important to give ourselves room to have little bits of faith. And also to learn to pay attention to our spiritual radar and to reconnect with our sense of blessing—and with the God who gives us that sense of blessing.

That about sums it up.

It explains the absolute panic lately that God will tell someone something about me that will cause them to try to fix me into who they want me to be, and that they will accuse me of things.

It explains why I go to church and activities and cannot join into the fun, but instead I’m gagged and bound on the inside. And knowing I’m a magnet for attracting controlling people doesn’t make it easier to trust.

It explains why my stomach hurts and I want to run for cover, or duck into a ball and cover my ears when someone gets a little assertive about something.

I do see signs of healing in my life. Just not as quickly as I would like. This article was helpful in the fact that it validates the struggle, and it sounded like it does take time, and to be patient.

Healing comes also from breaking the “don’t talk rule” that Barbara Milligin discusses in her article, Breaking Free: What I’ve Learned About Spiritual Abuse. Even writing as much as I have feels like I’m going to get into trouble, or cause some kind of conflict and makes me feel guilty. But even in writing a post like this, there is a sense of progress for not being in bondage to fear.

I love the Lord. I love people. I want to minister. I want to help other people to meet with Jesus. I haven’t given up on God. I haven’t given up on church. I haven’t given up on people. It just is going to take time to work through this.

Lord, I need healed from this. Help me, Jesus. And help all those who have been through this to heal as well, and to find healthy relationships within your body, Lord. I know you love the abusers also, and that with your help we can forgive knowing that you’ve forgiven us also. And thank you for the grace and mercy we find in You. In your name, Jesus, amen.

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