I’ll love you, even if you don’t attend my church

So the other day I talked about my experience with people only loving those willing to join their church, or their circle.  I mentioned a specific conversation I had with a person where I was rejected for their ministry because I wasn’t “attending” a church (and even though I explained my health reasons, they didn’t even comment on that, refusing to consider anything except the fact that I didn’t meet their iron-clad ‘criterion’ as a Christian, or a minister)

To understand this post, you really need to go back and read that post, titled:  If you join my church I will love you.

I wanted to do justice to the story however, and tell you the bright side to the story, even though it makes the hurt worse in a way, because it becomes more personal.

After this situation happened, I was so hurt that a few days later I blew up all over my facebook page.  Without naming names or even the circumstances, I mentioned how unhappy I was with religious people who lied, and how I thought that my children shouldn’t even be going to that church if that was how they were going to be.

A few hours later I received a phone call from the pastor of the church.  This is a man I graduated from High School with, and have known for many, many years.  He was the assistant pastor back when this was our home church. The one we left because it was our “abusive” church, and the one we had to walk away from because the senior pastor (who has now been ‘outed’ for reason that have no point to this story, but if you are familiar with our story, you know about) and his wife were horrid and abusive to us.  Anyway, (this man who called) he is now the Sr. Pastor there.

He was very concerned about us, and wondered “What in the world had happened!”  So I told him! I seem to be getting over the years of “silence.”  Un-learning the unhealthy practice of keeping it all in. 

He assured me that in no way had the church made the decision that I had to be a part of a church to minister,  and neither was that person nor the director acting as HIS mouth-piece.  He was also fairly positive that the ministry they had “un-invited” me to be a part of, had no such rules.  He also hadn’t heard anything about it, so he wasn’t sure what was what. However, he also offered me the olive branch of belonging…. if I ever came across a similar situation, I should feel free to tell them that I belong (and always belong, no matter if I attend or not) to their church, and he will back me up on that.  No matter how far we go, or even if we go to another church, it always feels to him that we are a part of that church.  Hmm….  And since, he has reached out in a few other small ways that show love in action, not words.

So I just wanted you all to know the flip-side of the story.
In a way it made the lying all that much worse, and more personal… but it also gave me the sense that there is at least one person out there who isn’t hung up on the building and the meetings… but is trying to really love the people.  And if there is one… there is hope there are others.

If you join my church I will love you

This is how the conversation usually goes…

Them: Hey, how are you doing. Haven’t seen you in awhile. Where are you going to church at?

Me: Well, we aren’t going anywhere at the moment. I’ve been dealing with some serious pain and chronic fatigue issues for years now.  I’m going to a doctor in Buffalo to try and get diagnosed, and it is just too much to even think about getting everyone ready for church. My mom has been taking my girls with her when she is able to.

Them: Oh. Well… you should come to our church. We’d love to have you.

Me: In the future when I’m feeling better, maybe that would work, thanks.

Them: Ok, think about it.  Bye.

Me: Thanks…. (wondering why nobody seems to even have the first amount of compassion, but whatever… just pretend I never mentioned the health issues)

A few weeks or so later another person

New person: I heard you aren’t going to church anywhere

Me: True

New Person: You should come sometime. There are really awesome things happening at our church now.  Things are really great!

Me:  I’m so glad to hear it.  So who did you hear that from?

New Person: I heard it from “them.”

Me:  Did they mention why I wasn’t coming?

New Person:  No, but you really should be in a local body you know.  It is really important to be in fellowship… etc….

Is it really such a mystery why I don’t understand Christians who show love only to those within their own circles?  Who have no compassion for people who are relatively shut in due to health issues?  No… because it is the fact I’m not in fellowship that seems to be the gossip trains concern… but if that is such a concern, why don’t they show up to offer it in person?  Apparently fellowship can only be gained in a church setting.

***
Here is a real-life situation that happened to me not all that long ago. (not word for word,  but close)

Woman:  I would LOVE to have you be part of my ministry.  We work with **** two evenings a month, and you and I would work together.

Me:  Wow, that sounds like something I could do, and it is right up my alley.  I would absolutely LOVE to be involved in that!  Please check with your director to be sure it is ok that I am involved.

Woman:  It is totally up to me, and my decision so of course it is ok.  I picked you.

Me:  Please check anyway, just to be sure

Woman:  Ok, I’ll check, but it will be fine. 

Me:  Ok.  I’m getting so excited to be a part of this.

Woman:  (a few days later)  Where do you go to church.  (uh oh)

Me:  (explained my situation in detail, pain, fatigue, thought that 2 evenings a month was something I could handle physically and would love to help people and be able to minister again)

Woman: (a few days later)  oh, we don’t need you after all… my director wants to work with me instead.  Sorry.  (figured, but had gotten up my hopes… knew better)

A few days after this the woman’s mother says to my mother…. “she would have LOVED to work with your daughter but your daughter doesn’t go to church anywhere…”  NOTHING about the fact that I’m in pain and fatigued and nobody is ministering to me.  NOTHING about the fact that this woman LIED to me.  Nothing about the fact that there was NOTHING said about my situation at all.  Not one expression of sympathy… not one I’m sorry… not one offer of help.  Nobody gives a shit.

No… I’m not trying to have self-pity here.  I’m really not.  I’m just saying that there is something seriously wrong with this picture.  They care more about ‘going’ to church than being the church.  And I would have been accountable to them.  I would have been more than happy to be accountable to their church and their ministry.  I would have LOVED to minister to people who also need help and aren’t in a position to come to church on Sunday mornings.  Sigh.

This is why I don’t tell people I’m ill.  I’d rather be judged “lazy” and “backslidden” and whatever else than deal with this.  I’d rather just be a hermit than deal with this.  I’d rather just disappear than deal with this.  So most of the time the conversation goes more like this….

Person:  So how are you?

Me:  Good.  How are you?

Person:  Good.  Where do you go to church?

Me:  Nowhere.

Person:  You should come to our church.

Me:  Maybe someday… who knows.

Person:  Great.  Bye.

Me:  Bye.

And they go their merry way feeling they did their duty as a Christian, and I go mine, having protected myself from being once again judged as someone who deserves nothing unless I attend a certain ceremony in a certain building during a certain time-slot on a certain day of the week.  Sigh.

Who’s Image Are We Created In?

I’ve had a few posts that I’ve kept up for days now, rereading and pondering them.

It started with Jeremy, at A Mending Shift.  He put up a post entitled “The Wounded Image of God.  He talks about the wounds that women have received within the church.

Jeff continued the theme with an post and apology, entitled “Why the Heart of Every Man Should Be Breaking.“

Go read them, please.

I really think this is the kind of thing we need to see to have healing within the church.  I was touched, and impressed by these two men and their hearts.  I think that the more men who come to this point, the more of a difference we will see in the church.

This is an area I’ve been very damaged in myself, and I know others who have been as well.   It is a very deep wound, and needs to be healed.  There are times I realize how very deep the damage goes, and I wonder if I will every be able to “be myself.”

Are you still here?  You can come back and comment if you want to, but you have to go read it first to know what I’m talking about. 

Jeremy, and Jeff, please accept my deepest thanks for writing about this.

Not an obligation…. an invitation

This has been echoing in my head for a few days now. It is in regards to something specific that God is asking me to do, yes… but when I was whining about it (whining? Not me… ok, yes, me) I heard these words whispered…

It is not an obligation, Heidi…. it is an invitation. An invitation into relationships, restoration and renewal.

Meaning, I don’t HAVE to! (woo hoo) I really don’t. What a relief. There is nothing worse than feeling forced into something.

But if I choose not to, I’ll miss something special.

Hmmmm… suddenly curiosity begins to wage a battle to find out what that something special is.

Sometimes Love Is “No.”

Molly wrote an amazing post called “Letters to an Abused Soul: When Love Is “No.” Here is an excerpt.

In fact, what do you do when you realize you’ve been conned, regularly, repeatedly, by someone who is literally a mastermind at manipulating? When years of your life were spent being lied to, being twisted, being played? When you thought you were giving your all to something that was living and good, and really your energies and your love and your spirit were being sucked down into a black hole that would never be satisfied, that could never get enough, that would always want more until it finally sucked out the last bit of life you had.

And when, because of your own warped view of what it means to be loving and gracious—perhaps even a view that would be perfectly healthy if you were dealing with a healthy spouse or a healthy church or a healthy friend—you knew that something was wrong, something didn’t feel right, yet, because you thought that love never stopped giving, you let it happen again, and then again, and then again, until it became so normal that you forgot it wasn’t.

I think you get away from that spouse or that church or that friend.

This post did me in.  Hit me right in the gut.  I literally have a stomach ache now.  It brought up a lot of pain I’d thought was behind me, but it is timely because I have a friend in an abusive situation right now, and I’m going to pass this along to her.

Go read the rest of the article, and feel free to come back here and discuss it if you would like to.

Blessings,

HW

Loving Acceptance

Why is it so difficult to love and accept people for who they are?

I understand that my approval cannot always be given for someones actions, but it seems that we often hold back our acceptance in order to ensure someone knows we don’t approve of them (ie. their lifestyle, dress, speech, etc.).

Is this really what we are supposed to be doing?  Withholding love from those who don’t behave as we want them to?
Like it or not, this is a common technique among Christians.  We show our disapproval, and we withdraw our acceptance and love, until the person we are upset with either ‘comes into line’ or leaves.  It is no wonder many of us feel we must “act” a certain way in order to be accepted within a body of believers.  This behavior management technique only works “skin-deep.”  The people we are manipulating may begin to behave better, but their hearts are left unchanged.

Isn’t it possible to love and accept people even when we don’t approve of them?

What are your thoughts?

we grow and learn

(UPDATED AGAIN, see links at bottom) I was really surprised at the attention my post received about Mike Guglielmucci a few days ago. I shouldn’t be surprised at the impact Mike’s deception, and the Lakeland/Todd Bentley fall have had on people. After all, we personally survived the abuse of our church (CLB) some years ago, and when the pastor fell, we were nearly destroyed. Since then we’ve learned not to put our faith in “men.” Lots of people are hurting, angry, and betrayed, and it will take them time to work through these things. I pray that in the end they will be stronger in their faith, completely healed of this betrayal, and able to seperate “people” from God. And, although it doesn’t make me very popular, I also continue to pray for the healing and restoration of these two men who are suffering very publicly.

As far as the “Charismatic Church” goes, I do feel we are learning and growing, even though it is a painful time for many. Here is a response by Dutch Sheets to the situation surrounding Todd Bentley, Lakeland, and the Apostolic Team. This gives me hope that we may see more transparency and growth come from this than I would have thought.

The news continues to pour in about Mike Guglielmucci’s fraudulent claims of having cancer. The stories of people sending money to him based on the lies are heartbreaking. No wonder people feel so betrayed and manipulated. It is difficult for everyone to find out they’ve been tricked so completely and for so long by a pastor. A Christian.

The “Aidelade Now” news site has a recent article about this, and the video of his song, “Healer” on it, which cannot be found on You Tube anymore.

Two news stories.  One quotes Mike, and one quotes his father.

When one part of the body hurts…

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about the scripture that talks about when one part of the body suffers, the whole body suffers (read it below).  I’ve tried to understand that, but too often is seems that we are left to hurt alone, and the rest of the body doesn’t often notice.

Because of the scripture, it must be true that we do all hurt together, but it seems that ofen we don’t notice it.  It is like being paralyzed.  When a paralyzed person injures a part of their body that is affected, they don’t feel it.  They might not even notice it.  When we aren’t paralyzed and we merely stub a toe, we feel it!

I had a friend with bad knees who had undergone many surgeries.  The nerves around his knees no longer felt pain and he would often rest a hot cup of coffee on his leg and not realize it had burned him.  He had several circular scars from this happening.  His body had become injured, and he never realized it until he saw the wounds.  However, looking at the wounds didn’t cause him pain either, except to know that he had to put some ointment on them, and perhaps a bandaid to cover them.  They were a rather distasteful to him, as were the scars from his surgery, so he would generally wear long pants to keep them hidden.

I’m concerned that we don’t feel it when a part of the body of Christ hurts.  What is our reaction?  Do we gaze upon the wounds without emotion?  Perhaps we try and put a bandaid on it, cover it so we don’t need to look at it, and pretend it isn’t there.

Just something I’m mulling over.  Feel free to jump in with discussion.

1 Corinthians 12: 14-26

Now the body is not made up of one part but of many. If the foot should say, “Because I am not a hand, I do not belong to the body,” it would not for that reason cease to be part of the body. And if the ear should say, “Because I am not an eye, I do not belong to the body,” it would not for that reason cease to be part of the body. f the whole body were an eye, where would the sense of hearing be? If the whole body were an ear, where would the sense of smell be? But in fact God has arranged the parts in the body, every one of them, just as he wanted them to be. If they were all one part, where would the body be?  As it is, there are many parts, but one body.

The eye cannot say to the hand, “I don’t need you!” And the head cannot say to the feet, “I don’t need you!” On the contrary, those parts of the body that seem to be weaker are indispensable, and the parts that we think are less honorable we treat with special honor. And the parts that are unpresentable are treated with special modesty, while our presentable parts need no special treatment. But God has combined the members of the body and has given greater honor to the parts that lacked it, so that there should be no division in the body, but that its parts should have equal concern for each other. If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it.

Derek Webb: Wedding Dress

I found this song on Chad’s site. I added the lyrics because I had to read them after listening. The song uses the word whore, so if this is offensive to you, please don’t listen.

Derek Webb (CD Title: She Must & Shall Go Free)

Wedding Dress

Lyrics: If you could love me as a wife
and for my wedding gift, your life
Should that be all I’d ever need
or is there more I’m looking for

and should I read between the lines
and look for blessings in disguise
To make me handsome, rich, and wise
Is that really what you want

I am a whore I do confess
But I put you on just like a wedding dress
and I run down the aisle
and I run down the aisle
I?m a prodigal with no way home
but I put you on just like a ring of gold
and I run down the aisle to you

So could you love this bastard child
Though I don’t trust you to provide
With one hand in a pot of gold
and with the other in your side

I am so easily satisfied
by the call of lovers so less wild
That I would take a little cash
Over your very flesh and blood

Because money cannot buy
a husband’s jealous eye
When you have knowingly deceived his wife

You can learn the story behind the song here.
listen to podcast 12.

do super-christians exsist?

Do we have others up on pedestals?

I don’t know about you, but at this point in my life I’m looking for the “real people.” But in the past, I have put those who seem to be extra-strong, or extra-spiritual, up on pedestals. And you know what? They always fell off! It was rather frustrating… not to mention hurtful, to see the ones that I looked at as larger than life fall off their chair, oft times broken to pieces. Funny enough in my case, it wasn’t the falling off that hurt me… it was the scrabbling and posturing, looking for ways to cover up their failings and put the righteous mask back on at any cost that did the damage. Apparently not only I had them on the pedestal, they had themselves on one.

It is hard to be free when we are constantly comparing ourselves to an unattainable standard. Perfection. And worse yet, when we believe others HAVE attained such a lofty perch, we become despondent, knowing that we shall never reach that divine standing in our own humanity. So we build a throne of pretense, and it is just a matter of time before we come crashing down. Or worse…perhaps we never crash, at least not publicly, and our entire life is just a role we play.

(( Jeff McQuilkin at Losing My Religion wrote a great post on Superhero Christianity. You can read it here.))

I’ve been listening to Steve Brown’s series on Scandalous Freedom. Last night I listened to a section about putting people on pedestals, and he made this statement:

There are no super-Christians, and if you found one, you’ve diminished yourself. When you have demeaned yourself that way, you’ll find yourself in a prison of shame and guilt and impossible expectations. The false idol of super-christians has destroyed the freedom of those who aren’t. -Steve Brown

Just thought that was interesting….