I’ll love you, even if you don’t attend my church

So the other day I talked about my experience with people only loving those willing to join their church, or their circle.  I mentioned a specific conversation I had with a person where I was rejected for their ministry because I wasn’t “attending” a church (and even though I explained my health reasons, they didn’t even comment on that, refusing to consider anything except the fact that I didn’t meet their iron-clad ‘criterion’ as a Christian, or a minister)

To understand this post, you really need to go back and read that post, titled:  If you join my church I will love you.

I wanted to do justice to the story however, and tell you the bright side to the story, even though it makes the hurt worse in a way, because it becomes more personal.

After this situation happened, I was so hurt that a few days later I blew up all over my facebook page.  Without naming names or even the circumstances, I mentioned how unhappy I was with religious people who lied, and how I thought that my children shouldn’t even be going to that church if that was how they were going to be.

A few hours later I received a phone call from the pastor of the church.  This is a man I graduated from High School with, and have known for many, many years.  He was the assistant pastor back when this was our home church. The one we left because it was our “abusive” church, and the one we had to walk away from because the senior pastor (who has now been ‘outed’ for reason that have no point to this story, but if you are familiar with our story, you know about) and his wife were horrid and abusive to us.  Anyway, (this man who called) he is now the Sr. Pastor there.

He was very concerned about us, and wondered “What in the world had happened!”  So I told him! I seem to be getting over the years of “silence.”  Un-learning the unhealthy practice of keeping it all in. 

He assured me that in no way had the church made the decision that I had to be a part of a church to minister,  and neither was that person nor the director acting as HIS mouth-piece.  He was also fairly positive that the ministry they had “un-invited” me to be a part of, had no such rules.  He also hadn’t heard anything about it, so he wasn’t sure what was what. However, he also offered me the olive branch of belonging…. if I ever came across a similar situation, I should feel free to tell them that I belong (and always belong, no matter if I attend or not) to their church, and he will back me up on that.  No matter how far we go, or even if we go to another church, it always feels to him that we are a part of that church.  Hmm….  And since, he has reached out in a few other small ways that show love in action, not words.

So I just wanted you all to know the flip-side of the story.
In a way it made the lying all that much worse, and more personal… but it also gave me the sense that there is at least one person out there who isn’t hung up on the building and the meetings… but is trying to really love the people.  And if there is one… there is hope there are others.

If you join my church I will love you

This is how the conversation usually goes…

Them: Hey, how are you doing. Haven’t seen you in awhile. Where are you going to church at?

Me: Well, we aren’t going anywhere at the moment. I’ve been dealing with some serious pain and chronic fatigue issues for years now.  I’m going to a doctor in Buffalo to try and get diagnosed, and it is just too much to even think about getting everyone ready for church. My mom has been taking my girls with her when she is able to.

Them: Oh. Well… you should come to our church. We’d love to have you.

Me: In the future when I’m feeling better, maybe that would work, thanks.

Them: Ok, think about it.  Bye.

Me: Thanks…. (wondering why nobody seems to even have the first amount of compassion, but whatever… just pretend I never mentioned the health issues)

A few weeks or so later another person

New person: I heard you aren’t going to church anywhere

Me: True

New Person: You should come sometime. There are really awesome things happening at our church now.  Things are really great!

Me:  I’m so glad to hear it.  So who did you hear that from?

New Person: I heard it from “them.”

Me:  Did they mention why I wasn’t coming?

New Person:  No, but you really should be in a local body you know.  It is really important to be in fellowship… etc….

Is it really such a mystery why I don’t understand Christians who show love only to those within their own circles?  Who have no compassion for people who are relatively shut in due to health issues?  No… because it is the fact I’m not in fellowship that seems to be the gossip trains concern… but if that is such a concern, why don’t they show up to offer it in person?  Apparently fellowship can only be gained in a church setting.

***
Here is a real-life situation that happened to me not all that long ago. (not word for word,  but close)

Woman:  I would LOVE to have you be part of my ministry.  We work with **** two evenings a month, and you and I would work together.

Me:  Wow, that sounds like something I could do, and it is right up my alley.  I would absolutely LOVE to be involved in that!  Please check with your director to be sure it is ok that I am involved.

Woman:  It is totally up to me, and my decision so of course it is ok.  I picked you.

Me:  Please check anyway, just to be sure

Woman:  Ok, I’ll check, but it will be fine. 

Me:  Ok.  I’m getting so excited to be a part of this.

Woman:  (a few days later)  Where do you go to church.  (uh oh)

Me:  (explained my situation in detail, pain, fatigue, thought that 2 evenings a month was something I could handle physically and would love to help people and be able to minister again)

Woman: (a few days later)  oh, we don’t need you after all… my director wants to work with me instead.  Sorry.  (figured, but had gotten up my hopes… knew better)

A few days after this the woman’s mother says to my mother…. “she would have LOVED to work with your daughter but your daughter doesn’t go to church anywhere…”  NOTHING about the fact that I’m in pain and fatigued and nobody is ministering to me.  NOTHING about the fact that this woman LIED to me.  Nothing about the fact that there was NOTHING said about my situation at all.  Not one expression of sympathy… not one I’m sorry… not one offer of help.  Nobody gives a shit.

No… I’m not trying to have self-pity here.  I’m really not.  I’m just saying that there is something seriously wrong with this picture.  They care more about ‘going’ to church than being the church.  And I would have been accountable to them.  I would have been more than happy to be accountable to their church and their ministry.  I would have LOVED to minister to people who also need help and aren’t in a position to come to church on Sunday mornings.  Sigh.

This is why I don’t tell people I’m ill.  I’d rather be judged “lazy” and “backslidden” and whatever else than deal with this.  I’d rather just be a hermit than deal with this.  I’d rather just disappear than deal with this.  So most of the time the conversation goes more like this….

Person:  So how are you?

Me:  Good.  How are you?

Person:  Good.  Where do you go to church?

Me:  Nowhere.

Person:  You should come to our church.

Me:  Maybe someday… who knows.

Person:  Great.  Bye.

Me:  Bye.

And they go their merry way feeling they did their duty as a Christian, and I go mine, having protected myself from being once again judged as someone who deserves nothing unless I attend a certain ceremony in a certain building during a certain time-slot on a certain day of the week.  Sigh.

trust issues

I’ve made a discovery over the past few days.  I have no trust left in people.  I’ve always had a hard time trusting, but right now I’ve got none for almost anyone.

I was thinking about going to church sometime, and I nearly panicked.   The thought of pasting on the smile, and acting the part, greeting acquaintances, and never really getting to know anyone just didn’t sound like my idea of fun.  I would love to go worship, and hear a message, but I can do that at home… right here at my computer.  I want the fellowship, but I’m not certain a church building is the place I’m going to get that.

Weird, huh?

Or is it?

If you go outside in your bare feet, and keep getting stung by bees, I suppose you would stop that behavior and begin wearing shoes.  If you pushed a fork into an electrical outlet, and were shocked, I suppose (unless you like being electrocuted) you would change your behavior.  If church becomes a place of misery that one goes to out of a sense of duty, should one continue going?  I don’t know anymore.

What is the old quote about insanity?

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.      ~Albert Einstein

So I guess I need to work through some of the ‘trust’ issues with God , and see where I stand then.  After all, I don’t want to end up on the floor in the lobby of some church in the fetal position, crying for my mommy… 
But the upside… this did prompt a long talk with God.     I’m sure he has a plan in mind…. I just have to wait for him to share it with me.

Sometimes Love Is “No.”

Molly wrote an amazing post called “Letters to an Abused Soul: When Love Is “No.” Here is an excerpt.

In fact, what do you do when you realize you’ve been conned, regularly, repeatedly, by someone who is literally a mastermind at manipulating? When years of your life were spent being lied to, being twisted, being played? When you thought you were giving your all to something that was living and good, and really your energies and your love and your spirit were being sucked down into a black hole that would never be satisfied, that could never get enough, that would always want more until it finally sucked out the last bit of life you had.

And when, because of your own warped view of what it means to be loving and gracious—perhaps even a view that would be perfectly healthy if you were dealing with a healthy spouse or a healthy church or a healthy friend—you knew that something was wrong, something didn’t feel right, yet, because you thought that love never stopped giving, you let it happen again, and then again, and then again, until it became so normal that you forgot it wasn’t.

I think you get away from that spouse or that church or that friend.

This post did me in.  Hit me right in the gut.  I literally have a stomach ache now.  It brought up a lot of pain I’d thought was behind me, but it is timely because I have a friend in an abusive situation right now, and I’m going to pass this along to her.

Go read the rest of the article, and feel free to come back here and discuss it if you would like to.

Blessings,

HW

links for church leavers

I’ve met more people in blog-land who have left church than I ever expected. I’ve come across some links that are either blogs, or ministries that seem to be helpful and ministering to people who are ex-church members for various reasons.

• Letters From Leavers is a compilation of… well…. letters from those who have left churches for various reasons.
• Detoxing from Church
• Lifestream A lot of writings by Wayne Jacobson, and much to explore
• Jake Colsen You can read So You Don’t Want to Go To Church Anymore online here.  Even my mother has enjoyed this book.
  
• The God Journey This is one I’ve just started to check into, but it has podcasts to listen to.

Do you know of any more?  Is there a site or blog that has helped you that you would like to let us know about?