So, I visited a church yesterday. GASP! I know, I thought the ceiling would cave in as well.
We were invited by the mom of a friend of my son (he is 13). He had his friend come and stay overnight on Saturday, and so we took him to his church on Sunday and my son and I stayed for the Sunday School and service.
I have to be honest…. I’m skeptical. With good reason I know. Those of you who have followed this blog from the beginning know we don’t have a good track record with churches.
BUT… my son (who hasn’t been to church in 4 years) loved the youth pastor/sunday school teacher. He wasn’t so thrilled with sitting in the service (and to honest, it was the same for me).
They said all of the right things. Relationship, authenticity, grace, love…. we will go back with the family and give it another try to see. It is a small church.
Maybe the season of decompression is finally coming to a close? Or maybe it is just a false alarm, and we will be quickly realizing why we haven’t been to church in years.
One thing that worries me… I’m realizing I have some bitterness. One of the people who attends this church was the principal of the Christian School that nearly destroyed my son 4 years ago. He was bullied, and not believed. He was punished when he stood up for himself. We saw our sweet and lovable little boy regress and fall apart throughout that year. It has taken YEARS to put the pieces back together and for our boy to begin to be himself again after that travesty. It is one of the reasons I have very little trust in Christians when it comes to my children.
I hate the fact I’m carrying around unforgiveness (I hadn’t thought of this guy for a long time). Hearing his name… didn’t see him, but heard he attends… made a lot of it come back up, and I have so much more anger about someone hurting my child than I would if it were me.
Of course, these days I’m MUCH more outspoken than I was back then. So I just might get the chance to tell him how his actions affected our child and our family. Or, after getting to know him more, I might be able to just let it go. Hopefully whatever I do will be the right thing for everyone, and not something that will cause more hurt or damage. Sigh.
HW
oh wow so I think you are awesome!! Very right feelings..You sound healthy. The church needs more people like you!
Comment by georgia — January 9, 2012 @ 9:14 am
I’m just very honest these days. I’m not sure many churches would appreciate people like me. But maybe I’m not giving them enough credit.
Blessings, Georgia. Thanks!
Comment by HW — January 9, 2012 @ 9:19 am
I’ve always loved your honestly, Heidi.
I heard my son’s testimony at CR last week and finally realized where all the crud began for him…at a Christian school where he was bullied. He wasn’t believed. But, the bullying was the first place he heard the word “gay” and decided to look into it, not knowing where it would lead. It is a travesty, what happens to our kids when they are not believed. I think it is the millstone that is hung around their necks. (Maybe that’s going too far…not sure.) But, I’m thankful, when I understood, we got him out of there.
I think you’re right though. It might be possible now to say what you feel, or you might have the chance to see another side of the person. Either way, it sounds like growth to me. Grace is the only thing that will make a difference in our lives. We all need it lavished upon us…cause we are all sinners.
I sure love you, lady. Hope you’re feeling a bit better…
Comment by Michelle — January 17, 2012 @ 12:05 am
I think bullying is horrific for children. I get so angry at people who say, “They need to toughen up.” They are destroyed a piece at a time. The not-believing part makes it so much worse for them! And then to add the fact that these are “Christian” people who are doing the bullying (the kids) and not helping/listening/ignoring (the admin/teachers) adds the final nails. My son was also bullied in pre-K at another Christian School. The Admin wouldn’t do anything about it because “we are witnessing to this family, and we will not do anything to jeopardize our witness to them.” Thankfully we ended up moving part way through that year.
The 3rd grade experience was so terrible though. He was spending a day every few weeks throwing up… I now believe it was the anxiety and the stress. It caused so very many problems for him that year, and it has taken us over 3 years to see him begin to be himself again. I think the not-believe part was the absolute worst part of it, because there was no escape. He was disciplined every time he fought back or stood up for himself. They would say, “That can’t be true… those are such good kids!” Blech! Any child not properly supervised has the potential to abuse others.
My son also learned more sexual and perverted stuff at that Christian School than he did in all the years in public school… those kids were not well supervised at all! And he has not been bullied much in public school. I think it is a sad statement that our children are more protected in a public school than they are in a “Christian” school. And I realize that isn’t always the case, but it has been our experience.
I’m sorry that your son went through that.
I don’t think many adults understand that the things children go through have the potential of directing the course their lives will take. The pain we go through in childhood often stays with us. I’m hoping that because you said it was your son’s testimony, that God has brought him past those situations and he has seen some healing of that?
I’m wanting to have grace for this situation. It is so hard when it is our kids. It is hard enough to forgive for things done to us, personally. But when it is our children, that mama bear rises up and wants to CRUSH the people who have hurt our babies!
And I had buried this, but then it was all brought up again seeing that guys name. I’m working on it. We didn’t go back last weekend, but maybe we’ll try it again Sunday and see how it goes.
Love you too, Michelle! I’m definitely doing better neurologically after 9 months of antibiotics. The fatigue is up and down, and I’m hurting really badly right now. Maybe the weather isn’t helping. I hope you are doing well!
Comment by HW — January 17, 2012 @ 10:00 am
Heidi, my son is 22. He can now give his testimony, ten years after the abuse began. Unfortunately, he went through years of secretly acting out before he was confronted with his behavior. He has received intensive therapy and we found a gracious church with an excellent Celebrate Recovery ministry. Of course, part of the shock of it all, and our inability to handle the truth of the situation, led to the breakdown of our marriage. My son wasn’t the problem, but the stress from the situation did contribute to our marital issues escalating. It’s sad. I can’t blame bullying for all the problems in our family, obviously, we had enough issues of our own. But, it saddens me that the church refused to see the situation for what it was and confront the administration. We did what we could at the time, but now, years later I’ve seen the devastation that can be caused by bullying.
I’m glad to hear your son is returning to the boy you once knew. If at all possible, get him to talk about what he went through, and help him to not define himself by others’ words. It’s so hard for innocent ears to hear lies and not believe them…
Comment by Michelle — January 17, 2012 @ 1:49 pm
I wish, wish, wish (do you think if I say it enough times it will work?LOL) that I could sit with you and a cup of coffee and we could have long talks.
My son doesn’t talk much about things that hurt. It frustrates me, but he struggles with talking about those things. I push sometimes, it is just hard for him to put those feelings into words. He usually holds things in until they are way too heavy for him to manage any longer, but so far he eventually comes to us… and I hope he always will (I know first hand what keeping deep hurts private can do). I just wish he wouldn’t wait until he is broken, and we could help earlier. He still struggles with a lot of social anxiety from that year, but he is definitely so much better than he was.
Marriages can struggle in the best of times, then stress just finishes the job. And I’m so sorry that church refused to deal with the situation at the time when things could have ended up so much differently than they did. Children really need protected and acknowledged and validated and shown how valuable they are… just like we all do.
Love you, Michelle.
HUGS!
Comment by HW — January 17, 2012 @ 8:46 pm
A long talk over coffee sounds lovely.
Comment by Michelle — January 19, 2012 @ 11:53 pm