We are still churchless. It has been about 4 years now since we have regularly attended a church. We have visited our old church several times now due to necessity. Once our girls were in a dance program there. And the other time was when our oldest daughter was baptized there.
I have to say, it still gives me a stomach ache to walk in. I feel like a PTSD survivor, ready to curl into the fetal position on the floor. I wait for the bomb to drop, and I can’t wait to get out of there.
I can see after this that unless something were to drastically change (or God does some miraculous healing) that we couldn’t go there again. Even though the pastor who inflicted the abuse on us is gone, and his wife (ex-wife now I guess) is not a regular attendee, that the fear (I don’t know if that is the correct word for what we are feeling) remains. I don’t know how to work through that or get rid of it.
In the meantime, we are considering visiting other churches in the area to find something for our family. I would like us to attend church as a family again, and especially for my children to have a SAFE environment to grow and learn in.
For the New Year I suppose that is my thought. So I am praying for us to find the right fit for us in a church. However, I don’t feel optimistic about things.
As the saying goes, “Even if we find the perfect church we would probably ruin it.” I think when we carry hurts, doubts and fears into a new situation we taint it immediately. We wait on the edge of our seat for the new pastor to say something we can object to, or to show us that he is untrustworthy. It can take years to have trust again, and yet… people are people, and they will let you down. If you are still carrying wounds from the past, that let-down will be blown all out of proportion as it brings up old junk that is still there.
I really don’t want to walk into a new church with all of the doubts, fears, and criticisms that come out of being spiritually abused. I don’t know if I am ready to try again or not, but the guilt from not having our children in church is getting worse.
Jesus help us.
HW
I had given up on finding the right church, and then through a “God thing” was sent to a great one out of the blue. It’s a small, start-up church. It’s definitely not perfect, but as you point out, no one and nothing is. So don’t give up hope! And maybe look for something non-traditional.
Comment by Jim — January 4, 2012 @ 10:01 pm
Jim, I love small start-up churches.
I think it will have to be a “God thing” for us!
Comment by HW — January 4, 2012 @ 10:06 pm
Hey there! Great to see you posting. I am of the same mind about trying a new church. I automatically expect the same thing to happen because after all, people are people. I don’t think though, that you should feel any guilt about your children. I think that they will learn the best from you!
Comment by Mike — January 5, 2012 @ 7:47 pm
Thanks, Mike. I hear ya. In fact, my girls have been attending (our old church) with my mom, and I really don’t always like the things they come home saying (judgmental and “religious” junk). Sometimes I think I would rather they didn’t go to church. I grew up in a very legalistic family, and I hated church because I couldn’t follow all of the rules, and when I got older I couldn’t wait to get out of that crap! I totally don’t want that for them. On the other hand, I think we need other believers to be a part of our lives (which we don’t have right now) although if we had that I wouldn’t really care if it “looked” like a church. And if there is a church out there that would teach them love and grace and Jesus instead of religion, rules, and good “behavior”, I would be so happy.
Comment by HW — January 5, 2012 @ 7:57 pm
Come to Jefferson City, MO, and we’ll set you up.
Comment by Jim — January 5, 2012 @ 8:09 pm
Sounds like a plan to me, Jim!
Comment by HW — January 6, 2012 @ 9:35 am