The ceiling didn’t cave in

So, I visited a church yesterday. GASP! I know, I thought the ceiling would cave in as well.

We were invited by the mom of a friend of my son (he is 13). He had his friend come and stay overnight on Saturday, and so we took him to his church on Sunday and my son and I stayed for the Sunday School and service.

I have to be honest…. I’m skeptical. With good reason I know. Those of you who have followed this blog from the beginning know we don’t have a good track record with churches.

BUT… my son (who hasn’t been to church in 4 years) loved the youth pastor/sunday school teacher. He wasn’t so thrilled with sitting in the service (and to honest, it was the same for me).

They said all of the right things. Relationship, authenticity, grace, love…. we will go back with the family and give it another try to see. It is a small church.

Maybe the season of decompression is finally coming to a close? Or maybe it is just a false alarm, and we will be quickly realizing why we haven’t been to church in years.

One thing that worries me… I’m realizing I have some bitterness. One of the people who attends this church was the principal of the Christian School that nearly destroyed my son 4 years ago. He was bullied, and not believed. He was punished when he stood up for himself. We saw our sweet and lovable little boy regress and fall apart throughout that year. It has taken YEARS to put the pieces back together and for our boy to begin to be himself again after that travesty. It is one of the reasons I have very little trust in Christians when it comes to my children.

I hate the fact I’m carrying around unforgiveness (I hadn’t thought of this guy for a long time). Hearing his name… didn’t see him, but heard he attends… made a lot of it come back up, and I have so much more anger about someone hurting my child than I would if it were me.

Of course, these days I’m MUCH more outspoken than I was back then. So I just might get the chance to tell him how his actions affected our child and our family. Or, after getting to know him more, I might be able to just let it go. Hopefully whatever I do will be the right thing for everyone, and not something that will cause more hurt or damage. Sigh.

HW

Churchless

We are still churchless. It has been about 4 years now since we have regularly attended a church. We have visited our old church several times now due to necessity. Once our girls were in a dance program there. And the other time was when our oldest daughter was baptized there.

I have to say, it still gives me a stomach ache to walk in. I feel like a PTSD survivor, ready to curl into the fetal position on the floor. I wait for the bomb to drop, and I can’t wait to get out of there.

I can see after this that unless something were to drastically change (or God does some miraculous healing) that we couldn’t go there again. Even though the pastor who inflicted the abuse on us is gone, and his wife (ex-wife now I guess) is not a regular attendee, that the fear (I don’t know if that is the correct word for what we are feeling) remains. I don’t know how to work through that or get rid of it.

In the meantime, we are considering visiting other churches in the area to find something for our family. I would like us to attend church as a family again, and especially for my children to have a SAFE environment to grow and learn in.

For the New Year I suppose that is my thought. So I am praying for us to find the right fit for us in a church. However, I don’t feel optimistic about things.

As the saying goes, “Even if we find the perfect church we would probably ruin it.” I think when we carry hurts, doubts and fears into a new situation we taint it immediately. We wait on the edge of our seat for the new pastor to say something we can object to, or to show us that he is untrustworthy. It can take years to have trust again, and yet… people are people, and they will let you down. If you are still carrying wounds from the past, that let-down will be blown all out of proportion as it brings up old junk that is still there.

I really don’t want to walk into a new church with all of the doubts, fears, and criticisms that come out of being spiritually abused. I don’t know if I am ready to try again or not, but the guilt from not having our children in church is getting worse.

Jesus help us.
HW