That’s the thing about depression: A human being can survive almost anything, as long as she sees the end in sight. But depression is so insidious, and it compounds daily, that it’s impossible to ever see the end. The fog is like a cage without a key. ~Elizabeth Wurtzel
January 17, 2011
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After 35 years of battling it I finally went on meds (Welbutrin). That’s a good news/bad news thing. (1) Good news – the depression has abated, it hasn’t dulled my other emotions, and I’ve even lost some weight! (2) Bad news – one of the emotions that hasn’t been dulled, and what is probably the underlying CAUSE of the depression, anger, has been bubbling up into the light. I have kept it in check, but it has been interesting holding it up to the light each time it appears and figuring out WHY I am angry about this or that? A lot of it goes back to some things that happened a long time ago, and are basically defense mechanisms, AFAICT.
Comment by Jim — January 18, 2011 @ 8:01 am
You are probably right. I have heard before that depression is anger turned inward. I don’t think that is the only reason people get depressed, but it is definitely one big trigger. Isn’t it amazing how many defense mechanisms we build up over our lifetimes? And we usually aren’t even aware why we react why we do unless we take the time like you are to figure out what is causing our reactions.
I’m glad you are feeling better on the meds. I haven’t found one that works very well for me yet without making me super apathetic about everything, really more tired than I already am, or raises my blood pressure. I keep trying though.
I guess right now I feel really trapped, and there isn’t much light at the end of the tunnel. The doctors haven’t figured out what is wrong with me physically, it is so dark where we live now, and I just don’t know what to do next. I’m sure it will work itself out eventually, I just don’t want to end up in the dark pit again if this keeps getting worse.
HW
Comment by HW — January 18, 2011 @ 4:20 pm