We’ve visited our CLB twice now. My little girls were in Christmas programs there, so we’ve attended the last two weeks at the church we left so long ago after the abuse we went through there.
I haven’t even begun to process my emotions. Being there was both bad and good.
Good was seeing my girls dance and sing for the Lord. Seeing them accepted and encouraged. Seeing some old friends who appeared to be happy we were there (even though most of them have no idea why we left in the first place.
Good was seeing the new pastor seeming to really love the Lord and love people.
Good was getting to worship in a corporate setting.
Bad was the conflict of being in the place where we were abused. Knowing most people have no idea why we left, and some are still angry with us over it (or at least ambivalent towards us).
Bad was seeing how everyone has moved on so totally and knowing we have not completed that journey yet. Feeling very out of place and uncertain and insecure.
Bad was seeing some of the people who were so abusive and who covered up things, but at least they are not in charge anymore.
I don’t know if we’ll end up back there or if we’ll continue on doing nothing… or if we’ll find another church home somewhere else. It is all so much up in the air right now.
We had high hopes of beginning a home church and then I got ill, and we have just been spinning our wheels since then.
On an interesting note, I feel like I no longer care what the abusive people think of me. I guess I’ve been away long enough to not give their opinions weight in my life any longer. To some extent I feel like I could confront that if I needed to. However, I don’t want to ‘give back as good as I’ve gotten.’ I feel that I need to move more and more towards forgiveness and peace rather than more conflict and bondage and hurt, but I can no longer be afraid of rejection and pain to the point that I bury things rather than confronting them.
So forwards or backwards? I don’t know yet, but at least we moved a few steps.
~HW
I know exactly how you feel. The one time I decided to go back, it was almost as if I was starting over. I’m not certain that I will be going back anytime soon….or for that matter, anywhere else.
Comment by Mike — December 21, 2010 @ 4:59 pm
Mike, that is it. Starting over, but even worse, and I’m not sure I’m in a good place for that right now. Maybe if I were really starting over somewhere I would think differently. I struggled the last few days with the thought that it is just too late for me. I’m sure that isn’t “truth” but it feels real to me.
Comment by Heidi — December 21, 2010 @ 7:44 pm