The third side

Wow, what a week I’ve had. Here is my unselfish side that stays with a friend no matter what, and my selfish side that wants to scream and rail and run, battling it out with one another.  The unselfish and loyal side won, but at a high cost to the other.  Good luck making sense of the rambling, but I had to get it all out.

My sister had a baby and gave her up for adoption. Rather than leave her to be alone for this, I drove her to the hospital last week to have her baby.

The back story here:  I was adopted at a few weeks old. My parents conceived my younger sister when I was 2. I struggled, as do many, many adoptees, with self-esteem issues, a fear of abandonment, and feeling there was something wrong with me that my mom would throw me away. The feeling that I never really belonged, and I wasn’t a “real” child of theirs.   But I had parents who loved me, and taught me about God. I love them as my parents. God has done a lot of healing in my life in this area, but there are still things left, as I found out last week.

When I was in my early 20′s, I met my birthmom. While it was cathartic to learn she had been forced to give me up, I don’t have the same bond with her that I do my adoptive parents. She was my ‘mother,’ but they were my “Mommy and Daddy.” They were very insecure about my meeting her, but they learned that my feeling for them didn’t change (in fact, grew stronger) with the addition of new family members. My feelings towards my biological mother are probably akin to a much loved aunt.

I also met my 3 biological sisters at that time. One of which I started this story with, as she is the one who had a baby.

Also, my husband and I have adopted a child. After 3 biological children, we adopted a 7 year old girl 4 years ago. That has been a roller-coaster in itself.  Our beautiful princess who has added so much to our lives, has her share of baggage.  I feel for her and her own pain, grief, and sense of abandonment.  I hope we can help her with all of that, since I am not ignorant of what it is like to be adopted, although her story is so much deeper than just that.

Back to the present:   My sister, a single mom of several children, decided to give this baby up for adoption. I wanted to adopt the child, but I knew (duh) it wasn’t my decision to make. Unfortunately for me, happily for them,  she chose a couple who had no children.

It was hard, but it was a whirlwind from labor until hand-off, when the adoptive family took custody and left with the baby. Off to their anonymous home, in an anonymous city, possibly never to be heard from again.

WHAT?!!??!! Reality comes screeching in. On top of grief and loss, the old ‘Rejection-complex’ rears up.  Abandonment issues come to the surface.  Knowledge of how that little person might feel in the future pops up.   Why didn’t my sister let us raise the baby? She could have had a completely open adoption with us. The siblings would know each other, etc… (and yet, the new parents were overjoyed to have her, and baby will be very loved, even though they  probably won’t know their bio siblings and other family.)  I’ve been reading up on open adoption where the bio family and the new family become one extended family to one another.  To me, the product of a closed adoption, that sounds wonderful, and this anonymous (first names only) adoption is back to the old days when out of wedlock births as well as infertility was all so “shameful.”  I’m not debating here, just sharing my viewpoint as an adoptee.

I didn’t realize how much pain is still there from being adopted. I didn’t realize how much this was going to mess me up, or I might have walked out and allowed her to do this on her own (except that isn’t my way… I took the hits until I thought I wouldn’t make it, but they kept coming).

So I’ve been adopted, I’ve adopted, and now I’ve stood there and watched a baby disappear from our lives into the void of adoption. It sucks to be on this side! This isn’t the fairy tale. This isn’t the happily-ever-after. This is the side of raw grief and pain. Of empty arms and tears. Mine, anyway. So far my sister has shown no reaction except relief and gratitude – which makes me feel worse, because I wasn’t wanted either, you see?

Between the reality, and the projection of my own rejection complex (and being rejected to be the parents of this child) I’m hurting worse than I have in a long time.

This side of adoption isn’t as much fun as the side of the adoptive parent… but it is reminiscent of being adopted, and the emotions that come from it.  I had no choice in whether I was adopted or not.  I also had no choice about this adoption.   I can’t go further with that, or I’ll start crying again…  And no, my sister seems to have no idea how high the cost was for me in doing everything she asked of me… and I prefer to keep it that way for now.

Early tonight I was saying to my newest family member (in my head of course), “There is NOTHING wrong with you.  It wasn’t your fault.”  And the tears started to flow.   Because I know that was the root of my own struggles for so long.  I can only pray this child never feels that way.  Hopefully the  new mom and dad will find a way to reassure, and they will grow up without that pain.

Most stories have 2 sides to them.  Adoption has 3.  And this third side seems sad and empty….