the nothingness

There is a nothingness of the soul that can grip a person.

An existing. A putting one foot in front of the other, doing that which needs to be done without really interacting with the world around.

A mask can be slipped into place when needed, but only for brief periods of time. Too much energy is required for it to stay in place for long. But the reality of the emptiness behind it would be too much for most to handle.

It is a place of utter fatigue and weariness of body and soul. Of hopelessness, and a hiding place from the battle that has raged for so long. A battle that has taken nearly everything, and left little behind.

This is a place also of reserving minute bits of strength for when it is needed, for those who depend on me for their own well being and indeed, their very lives.

There is a place where one can merely exist, day to day, and lose stretches of time to exhaustion and pain. Realizing only peripherally that it has been months since contact has been made, but being unable to rectify the situation without the reserves of energy required to maintain the contact.

It is a very lonely place at times, but only when the cloud lifts long enough for the realization of all that has been lost to sink in. But before despair has time to truly sink its teeth in, the cloud descends again, and time becomes muddled and plods along, again just an existence broken only by the herculean efforts of daily tasks reserved for the children who need and deserve it more than anyone, and the doctors who do nothing much more than repeat themselves, decide it is nothing, or place the blame on the patient, showing their ignorance.

Depression is a part of it, but only a distant part, not able to break through to the surface very often. Depression itself is too much work for this nothingness.

Strangely enough I find myself more emotionally content than ever in my life… perhaps due to the lack of almost any meaningful human relationship outside of my family…. or due to the lack of energy to dwell on things that normally would bring me pain. Who knows. I don’t.

One day, perhaps, I’ll be back.