This is how the conversation usually goes…
Them: Hey, how are you doing. Haven’t seen you in awhile. Where are you going to church at?
Me: Well, we aren’t going anywhere at the moment. I’ve been dealing with some serious pain and chronic fatigue issues for years now. I’m going to a doctor in Buffalo to try and get diagnosed, and it is just too much to even think about getting everyone ready for church. My mom has been taking my girls with her when she is able to.
Them: Oh. Well… you should come to our church. We’d love to have you.
Me: In the future when I’m feeling better, maybe that would work, thanks.
Them: Ok, think about it. Bye.
Me: Thanks…. (wondering why nobody seems to even have the first amount of compassion, but whatever… just pretend I never mentioned the health issues)
A few weeks or so later another person
New person: I heard you aren’t going to church anywhere
Me: True
New Person: You should come sometime. There are really awesome things happening at our church now. Things are really great!
Me: I’m so glad to hear it. So who did you hear that from?
New Person: I heard it from “them.”
Me: Did they mention why I wasn’t coming?
New Person: No, but you really should be in a local body you know. It is really important to be in fellowship… etc….
Is it really such a mystery why I don’t understand Christians who show love only to those within their own circles? Who have no compassion for people who are relatively shut in due to health issues? No… because it is the fact I’m not in fellowship that seems to be the gossip trains concern… but if that is such a concern, why don’t they show up to offer it in person? Apparently fellowship can only be gained in a church setting.
***
Here is a real-life situation that happened to me not all that long ago. (not word for word, but close)
Woman: I would LOVE to have you be part of my ministry. We work with **** two evenings a month, and you and I would work together.
Me: Wow, that sounds like something I could do, and it is right up my alley. I would absolutely LOVE to be involved in that! Please check with your director to be sure it is ok that I am involved.
Woman: It is totally up to me, and my decision so of course it is ok. I picked you.
Me: Please check anyway, just to be sure
Woman: Ok, I’ll check, but it will be fine. 
Me: Ok. I’m getting so excited to be a part of this.
Woman: (a few days later) Where do you go to church. (uh oh)
Me: (explained my situation in detail, pain, fatigue, thought that 2 evenings a month was something I could handle physically and would love to help people and be able to minister again)
Woman: (a few days later) oh, we don’t need you after all… my director wants to work with me instead. Sorry. (figured, but had gotten up my hopes… knew better)
A few days after this the woman’s mother says to my mother…. “she would have LOVED to work with your daughter but your daughter doesn’t go to church anywhere…” NOTHING about the fact that I’m in pain and fatigued and nobody is ministering to me. NOTHING about the fact that this woman LIED to me. Nothing about the fact that there was NOTHING said about my situation at all. Not one expression of sympathy… not one I’m sorry… not one offer of help. Nobody gives a shit.
No… I’m not trying to have self-pity here. I’m really not. I’m just saying that there is something seriously wrong with this picture. They care more about ‘going’ to church than being the church. And I would have been accountable to them. I would have been more than happy to be accountable to their church and their ministry. I would have LOVED to minister to people who also need help and aren’t in a position to come to church on Sunday mornings. Sigh.
This is why I don’t tell people I’m ill. I’d rather be judged “lazy” and “backslidden” and whatever else than deal with this. I’d rather just be a hermit than deal with this. I’d rather just disappear than deal with this. So most of the time the conversation goes more like this….
Person: So how are you?
Me: Good. How are you?
Person: Good. Where do you go to church?
Me: Nowhere.
Person: You should come to our church.
Me: Maybe someday… who knows.
Person: Great. Bye.
Me: Bye.
And they go their merry way feeling they did their duty as a Christian, and I go mine, having protected myself from being once again judged as someone who deserves nothing unless I attend a certain ceremony in a certain building during a certain time-slot on a certain day of the week. Sigh.
http://thenoreaster.wordpress.com/2009/07/21/the-root-of-christian-hypocrisy/
(Not sure if that will help, but it gave me kind of a different perspective when I was going through similiar things–not the same, but similiar. At this distance, I fear words are all I can do.)
Comment by TheNorEaster — February 28, 2010 @ 6:21 pm
Thanks, Nor. Dang, I’ve missed you guys.
Comment by HW — February 28, 2010 @ 8:01 pm
And I do want to say: I’ve had my own struggles as well. There have been plenty of times I have wanted to give up. My situation is not the best, to put it mildly. And while I may not be serving God as well or as often as I once did, I still believe. And that, I think, matters much more than where I live or sleep or whatever.
I have missed you, Heidi. Please hold on. And even if you can’t, that’s okay– for He will never let go of you.
Comment by TheNorEaster — February 28, 2010 @ 6:28 pm
I still believe… but I’m so tired. I can’t drum up the passion to fight, ya know? Still here though.
Comment by HW — February 28, 2010 @ 8:03 pm
I don’t have the passion to fight either, Heidi. I lost that about the same time my new season started, the season of peace. I do not think that is accident.
It’s difficult to explain, but I’ll try. Think, for a moment, about Job: At the beginning of the book, shortly after his second test, Job was “broken”. But, by the time God had finished speaking to him through the storm, Job was “defeated”–he had finally come to terms with the light-years-ahead-of-us sovereignity of God. That’s what I had to do as well.
So I think “here” is better than “fighting”. And I know it probably doesn’t feel that way, but I think life is far, far more bearable when we stop fighting and start living. Living not despite the storms, but because of the storms. So your being “here” means you’ve still got a purpose. Because God still has a plan for you. Oh, you might get your fins handed to you in swim class by a bunch of little ol’ ladies, but–like Peter–you still jumped out of the boat when you saw Jesus on the shore. And you still want that breakfast of bread of fish, too. (Except, it’ll be a little bigger, like a wedding feast type deal between Christ and The Church.) Why else would you be so distraught to not find Him in those “join-my-church-and-I will-love-you” churches?
Even in this storm, the sun will rise.
Comment by TheNorEaster — March 1, 2010 @ 12:21 am
…bread AND** fish.
Dahr.
Comment by TheNorEaster — March 1, 2010 @ 12:22 am
Now that is an interesting perspective… being distraught at not finding Him in those churches… yeah… you are so good at nailing down the point that I often don’t even see. I know I’m upset/hurt/whatever, but don’t always even know why. Thanks, Nor! Hmmm….
Comment by HW — March 1, 2010 @ 7:41 am
How frustrating!
Comment by Jim — February 28, 2010 @ 6:33 pm
it is that for sure, Jim.
Comment by HW — February 28, 2010 @ 8:04 pm
I rarely make it to church, Heidi, for the very same reasons, as you know.
It’s hard when people don’t understand or even try to understand. And it does feel like judgment. It is judgment. And time goes by and there isn’t any help…why? I really don’t know why.
I did find a group of caring people through Celebrate Recovery and since it’s in the evenings, somehow that’s easier to do, for me. But I was surprised to find the ones who help the most are the ones who have hurt the most. Otherwise, they can’t even begin to understand. They just don’t get it. I’m very sorry for your lack of support. It sucks.
I sure wish we were closer…
Comment by Michelle — February 28, 2010 @ 9:14 pm
I wonder how much I didn’t get it a few years back. Evenings are easier for me too, I’m not sure why…. just are usually. I wish we were closer too… but we’d probably be too tired to get together, haha.
I love you, Michelle. Thanks for just validating the emotions behind it. I’m heading for bed early tonight… long dreaded drive alone tomorrow. Night!
Comment by HW — February 28, 2010 @ 9:24 pm
I know I didn’t get it when I was younger. I felt everyone should be giving and working as hard as me. So yeah…I know why they don’t get it. Being young and vibrant and able…not what we are anymore.
Goodnight, Heidi.
Sleep well.
I’ll be praying for travelling mercies.
I love you, too.
Comment by Michelle — February 28, 2010 @ 9:53 pm
Heidi, so sorry this has happened to you–not once, but several times. I understand the mindsets that cause judgment here, and I’ve been on the blunt end of that myself…but there is no excuse for the mindlessness. Like they didn’t even hear you when you said you were ill.
For what it’s worth, there are people out here who DO give a shit. Haven’t said much lately, but I still read when you write. Praying for God to bring you an answer, and for His healing in your life.
Comment by Jeff McQ — February 28, 2010 @ 10:50 pm
Thanks, Jeff… good to know you are still around.
Thanks especially for the prayers!!!
Comment by HW — March 1, 2010 @ 7:43 am
Heidi. Nice to see you writing again. I have also not been to church and for very much the same reason. Although the story is different, the theme is identical. I hope that you get to feeling better!
Comment by Mike — March 1, 2010 @ 12:35 pm
Mike! Good to see you too! The theme seems to be similar across the board… and it is discouraging.
Comment by Heidi — March 2, 2010 @ 12:14 am
It makes me so sad, Heidi, but unfortunately this is true of many Christians. I think it has something to do with being taught that church is a place instead of a lifestyle. (I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately.) I’m sorry this has been your experience, and you have my prayers for your health.
Comment by Erin — March 1, 2010 @ 11:05 pm
Ah, Erin… I guess we’ve had to learn this for ourselves at some point along the path. Some of us seem to have taken a slightly different turn along the way.
I’ll have to post the one bright spot of this story tomorrow… I wasn’t home today.
Comment by Heidi — March 2, 2010 @ 12:10 am
[...] To understand this post, you really need to go back and read that post, titled: If you join my church I will love you. [...]
Pingback by I’ll love you, even if you don’t attend my church « To Be A Fool… — March 2, 2010 @ 1:57 pm
I have a (tongue-in-cheek) suggestion!
Years ago I was sharing a house with a coworker and one day two ladies came to the door wanting to witness for Jesus. My housemate answered the door and was very nice about the whole thing, but when they said they wanted to talk about Jesus he (truthfully) replied, “That’s fine, but I’m Jewish.” Their reaction was classic – a noticeable awkward pause, a blurted “Oh, I’m sorry,” and a flustered retreat. It was as if they instantly thought, “He’s damned to Hell – no use wasting time on this one.” We had a good laugh when it was all over and he closed the door.
So just tell ‘em you’re Jewish.
Comment by Jim — March 2, 2010 @ 4:54 pm
There you go, Jim! LOL. We had some people come to the house once who were something… Jehovah’s Witness maybe? My husband doesn’t even know what he said… he thinks maybe they saw the poster by the door that says “… as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.” but we’ve never known for certain. They suddenly changed their minds about being there, and nearly knocked him over trying to get out of the door. Still a mystery today. If I could figure it out to duplicate it in the future….
Jewish huh? I’ll give that some thought.
Comment by HW — March 2, 2010 @ 5:04 pm
I totally understand. Lets start a phone reassurance Church! Lets start a transportation service for the poor. Lets start a 24 hr day care for the desperate. There are so many needs that are not being provided by the Church. So we may have to be the one to do it. Do your own ministry. Call others 2 times a month that you know your words will help. Jesus will know you did it. So what if the Church left you in the Cold. I can recall pouring my heart out to my Church family after an illness and serious family issues prevented me from attending services, and many other things. They offered to take me to Church on the bus, and I tried, but because of my many difficulties I could not follow through. Then I was given advice to change my situation somehow. But all I really needed was for someone to go to the local grocery store for me maybe once a month to get me some milk and formula. I needed transportation. I was not looking for a hand out. I was hoping for someone to lend me a hand. Where was the bus for that? No Church or the members are perfect. I should have stated what I needed and I should have been direct, instead of assuming because they are Christian they can read my mind. But sometimes our pride gets in our way. Or we just think they should know enough to do what Christ would want of them. It can all be so confusing. But seriously things should be done. Maybe we have to be the ones to do it. I am trying to work from home now. When I save enough, I am going to start One of the programs above, God Willing. I hope you join me.
Comment by Caroline Schukraft — May 28, 2012 @ 5:37 am
I do think we need to verbalize what our needs are because other people can’t read our minds, like you said. And yes, if we see it needs done why shouldn’t we be the ones who do it? So often we just want other people to do what God is whispering to us to do. In the church I was talking about here they wouldn’t allow ministries that weren’t “approved” but maybe go to a different church that might accept you and welcome your ministry and ideas.
Comment by HW — May 28, 2012 @ 10:51 am