Have I been judgmental of disabled people? I never thought so… but I’ve never been one either. Until the past few years. But I’ve been judging myself for my lack of ability to do anything. I’ve berated myself for my laziness and motivation, kicking myself… trying to make my body do what it used to… and it just doesn’t listen!
I have gone from an independent person, to an invalid. Basically that is the deal. And I’ve fought it…. to no avail. My body has not cooperated.
Whether this ends up being chronic fatigue or something else, I have not been able to do much of anything for nearly 2 years now. It has been longer, but the worst of it hit right after my father’s death the end of June, 2008. I am just beginning to be able to do some things if I rest up for it.
I’ve never been skinny… far from it… but I have enjoyed a very independent life. I’ve been able to do what I’ve wanted. I’ve never been in perfect health or shape… but I’ve always enjoyed exercise and weight training when I could fit it into my life. Right now, the old ladies in the arthritis swim class can kick my butt… I can’t keep up with them. Aaargh! And they go 3 times a week… I can barely handle once, because it takes me a week (no joke) to recover for the next class.
I was even too wiped out to keep up on here for most of it. It has taken everything I have to take care of my 4 kids… and even then, only the basics! I miss you all…
I’m seeing a new doctor, a neurologist, who is doing a slew of tests… so we’ll see what it comes down to. But I finally have to accept the fact that for the time being, this body has stopped working the way it is meant to work. I hope it starts again soon, because I am feeling just enough better now to be BORED SILLY!!!! And really depressed.
Hey there! You are blogging. I hope you’re able to keep it up. I’ve missed you. You speak my experiences…
I’ve been seeing a neurologist too. He thinks it’s MS and is keeping a close eye. A slew of tests…yes m’am. The spinal tap ruled out so much more of what were the possibilities and we know it’s not fibromyalgia/chronic fatigue. Anyway…his last piece of advice to me, “Do what you can while you can.”
Living the invalid life after knowing independence and the ability to exercise…it sucks, to be perfectly honest. And yes, the depression can get bad. I’ve found the most help in blogging, as far as feeling like I’m still productive. And do you know Gitzen Girl? Her blog is a great source of encouragement for me. She is homebound but has a beautiful attitude. She’s living the invalid life well…but then, the one thing that keeps coming to my mind…she doesn’t have a husband and children. Although she would love that blessing, at the very least, she doesn’t have the worry of letting them down. That’s what gets me…that’s when my mood drops.
Anyway…
Too much heaviness for a welcome back to blogland…sorry about that.
Glad to see you, Heidi. Next time you have a layover in DALLAS, let me know!!! Love you!
Comment by Michelle — February 23, 2010 @ 6:45 pm
Oh…
http://www.gitzengirl.blogspot.com
Comment by Michelle — February 23, 2010 @ 6:47 pm
Michelle, it is good to be back on here. I’ve been getting really lonely. We weren’t even supposed to have a layover in Houston… it was supposed to be here to Cleveland to LA… but, flights didn’t go as planned, and we hopped through Houston. But just being in Texas made me think of you. Someday soon I hope to get to Texas to see my friends there .
I’ll have to check out the blog you mentioned. I know what you mean about family. My husband doesn’t drive, so that burden falls to me, and it shortchanges my kids even more. But I can only do what I can do.
I’m sorry about your news… it takes so long with ms to get anything definitive.
I don’t know yet where we are headed with me. My neurologist is 2 hours away, but around here we are so rural we have to travel to get anyone good. I “happened” to run into a woman in our local hospital who told me about this practice, and I knew it was time to make an appointment. I go back for the results of the first round of tests next week, and to see where we go from there.
I’m glad we are back in touch, my friend. I need people with Jesus in their lives around me.
Comment by HW — February 23, 2010 @ 7:27 pm
“But I can only do what I can do.”
Amen.
“I’m glad we are back in touch, my friend. I need people with Jesus in their lives around me.”
And amen again.
Love you, Heidi!
Comment by Michelle — February 23, 2010 @ 9:41 pm