trust issues
April 13, 2009 at 12:51 pm | In church dropouts, journaling | 35 CommentsI’ve made a discovery over the past few days. I have no trust left in people. I’ve always had a hard time trusting, but right now I’ve got none for almost anyone.
I was thinking about going to church sometime, and I nearly panicked. The thought of pasting on the smile, and acting the part, greeting acquaintances, and never really getting to know anyone just didn’t sound like my idea of fun. I would love to go worship, and hear a message, but I can do that at home… right here at my computer. I want the fellowship, but I’m not certain a church building is the place I’m going to get that.
Weird, huh?
Or is it?If you go outside in your bare feet, and keep getting stung by bees, I suppose you would stop that behavior and begin wearing shoes. If you pushed a fork into an electrical outlet, and were shocked, I suppose (unless you like being electrocuted) you would change your behavior. If church becomes a place of misery that one goes to out of a sense of duty, should one continue going? I don’t know anymore.
What is the old quote about insanity?
- Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. ~Albert Einstein
So I guess I need to work through some of the ‘trust’ issues with God , and see where I stand then. After all, I don’t want to end up on the floor in the lobby of some church in the fetal position, crying for my mommy… 
But the upside… this did prompt a long talk with God. 
I’m sure he has a plan in mind…. I just have to wait for him to share it with me.
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i very much understand your fear and trust issues…been through much of it myself, and still get a little panic going on deep inside when leaving my home to attend a church. But I am going now, and the LORD did place me in a new atmosphere, where I am comfortable, and its slow but I know I trust HIM, and HE goes with me. I am going to pray for you in this, love you!
Comment by darla — April 13, 2009 #
I would appreciate the prayers, Darla. I’m glad you are in a place you are comfortable in! Love you too!!!
Comment by HW — April 13, 2009 #
I still have that general reaction when thinking about going to a church. So I don’t
Seriously, it’s very real, and in my experience is a sign of wounding that only time will heal. Give yourself grace for it and let Papa do what he will in your heart and soul over it.
Comment by erin — April 13, 2009 #
hey there. i definitely know darla has recently gone through this too.
hang in there, heidi. HE is the number one priority right now. get with Him and let Him lead you where He sees best fit.
Comment by tam — April 13, 2009 #
Hmm…Is there some way we can do The Church of Misfits online…? Would anyone be interested in that?
Comment by TheNorEaster — April 14, 2009 #
Heidi,
Sorry it took me a bit to get to reading your blogpost! I have fallen a bit behind in my Feedreader with the numbers that I read. Nevertheless, my heart and thoughts are of you, my sweet sister. These feelings and thoughts you are having are so normal! I have had them to, and occasionally they pop into my mind. I’m so glad that you ended up having a deep time of talking with Papa Jesus Holy Spirit. When such things happen to me, God is exactly the One who most often speaks into my heart and I have a good communion with Him about it all. He is great at revealing and showing me what’s going on inside, and the sources that usually prompt those thoughts.
Blessings,
~Amy
Walking In The Spirit
Comment by Amy — April 14, 2009 #
Me too.
I went to Celebrate Recovery tonight at our local church. Great place to be with other people who are willing to be vulnerable. It really is. But, not for me. I’ve shared too much for too long and have been stung too many times.
I think I’m about ready to shut up. Feels much safer…somehow.
Praying for you, Heidi!
Loving you…
…from a very safe distance…
Comment by Michelle — April 14, 2009 #
Heidi–I’m praying for you too. I do think that what you are experiencing is totally normal. I keep going back to what Jesus said about how we would be identified as His–it would be because of our love for each other.
When you get involved with people who claim to be His followers, and they act completely unloving, it’s supposed to hurt. It’s supposed to feel unnatural, because it is.
The only thing we have to hold onto is the fact even that if every person on earth turns on us, our Father never will. We can trust Him when no one else is trustworthy.
Comment by Richard J. — April 15, 2009 #
Erin, it is surprising how long it takes to get past the wounds. I know that God can/will heal it, but in the meantime, I’m rather surprised by my feelings. It is refreshing to be at a point where I don’t feel guilty for not going to church, but I do wonder about my children and the example I’m setting for them. I would love to find a ‘home group’ or something that we could be a part of. I’m just waiting to see what God’s plan is, although I seem to grow impatient!
Comment by HW — April 15, 2009 #
Tam, thanks. you are absolutely right. God is the priority, and he’ll lead us through it.
Comment by HW — April 15, 2009 #
Nor, imagine that… the misfits online!
How cool would that be?!!?
Comment by HW — April 15, 2009 #
WELL YOU NEED TO HEAD OVER TO MY BLOG RIGHT THIS VERY MOMENT SO I KNOW YOU KNOW THAT I KNOW THAT WE BOTH KNOW JUST HOW COOL IT WOULD BE TO HAVE YOU ONBOARD FOR THE CHURCH OF MISFITS ONLINE!!!
http://thenoreaster.wordpress.com/2009/04/16/the-church-of-misfits-online/
Comment by TheNorEaster — April 16, 2009 #
I figured I’d shout cause, like, reading your post gave me the idear in the foist place!
Comment by TheNorEaster — April 16, 2009 #
NOR, I WILL HEAD ON OVER!
Comment by HW — April 17, 2009 #
I sent you an e-mail with a few details, but you haven’t responded yet.
Comment by TheNorEaster — April 26, 2009 #
Amy, thanks. It was funny that you had written about trust, and I read it right after I wrote this. It was very encouraging to me. Thankfully, God knows it all, and he’ll lead.
Comment by HW — April 15, 2009 #
Michelle, it isn’t easy to try and be ‘real’ and open, just to discover that people either want to fix us, lecture/rebuke us, or are turned off by reality. I don’t want to see you shut down!!!! It is funny though, that the distance created by these on-line relationships seems safer somehow than in-person. Weird.
love you!
Comment by HW — April 15, 2009 #
Very weird. But I’ll take what I can get.
Comment by Michelle — April 15, 2009 #
Richard, thanks so much for the prayers! I agree in theory that God is enough… but I am far from the reality at times. It is funny how we as people view the opinions of others as so important to our emotional health. I hate to be misunderstood and judged harshly, but yet I catch myself doing it to others. Sometimes I wonder why people can’t just see the real me, just trying to get through life, doing my best to walk with the Lord… and then I have to remind myself that other people are in the same boat… and they are just trying to get through life as well the best they can.
I do wonder if there are groups of people who are able to love one another better than I have seen demonstrated in the churches I’ve attended. Every now and then I meet someone who seems to ‘get it’, but I have never really seen it consistently. We are inclined towards self-interest, self-protection, and stuck in our own little worlds most of the time. I don’t think this is how God intends it to be, when I look at the early church in the new testament.
Yet, by my own reactions, I’m not being very loving either. Aaaahhhh!
I tend to expect perfection from myself though, and sometimes I just need to allow myself the validation of my own emotions, and work them out without the self-condemnation of feeling them.
Sometimes I wonder if I can just hang on ’till the end…. then I think, that isn’t what I want… I want to LIVE life to the fullest, rather than cower in the corners. Since God has been changing my view of “church,” I’m just not sure what that is going to look like yet.
I’m pretty sure this comment is confusing… reflecting my own confusion right now about everything.
Comment by HW — April 15, 2009 #
ya know…one thing ive learned in life is when people judge and harsh with others…it is almost always because they are trying to mask their own flaws and insecurities. we, you, are just a scapegoat. and what theyre really focused on, even in the “judgment” is themselves.
two things…when people call someone out, unsolicited, its either because they themselves have been there and they feel the need to “help”…good, bad, indifferent, unsolicited or not…they feel needed and some how valued by that. OR…when people point out the dirt in someone else, it is often the very same thing they possess…which is why it stands out to them.
that is my .2 cents…and may be off topic.
but, heidi…focus on you and God. period. thats where your significance and confidence will come from. it cant be found in others.
and is “God changing your view of church” or have others changed it?
Comment by tam — April 15, 2009 #
Tam! Those are great points. I find it very helpful to remember that other people are just as neurotic as I am!
haha And I think you are right on.
About the church thing, probably the truthful answer is “both.”
Comment by HW — April 15, 2009 #
Being honest with yourself is a wonderful start …we trust God because He has never let us down, pity others do … but I’ve done my fair share of letting others down as well.
Comment by Mark R — April 17, 2009 #
Mark, I have let others down many times as well. I was thinking over a lot of my own mistakes last night, and how (even though I don’t like to admit it) I’ve hurt others at times also.
Comment by HW — April 17, 2009 #
Heidi,
Since you’ve brought up one of my “soapboxes” – I just HAVE to comment. By reading your comments, i wonder what kinds of churches have you attended and with what expectations? I think you are representative of far too many believers who have “given up” on plugging into a local church body because of hurts and disappointment and, can I be honest?, the wrong perspective on what a church is even for. I realize I’m extremely blessed with a fantastic church and there are many that are NOT worth attending (my husband came out of a cultish church a few years back), but I find it hard to believe there isn’t SOMEWHERE you can go and grow more than staying at home and doing the Internet/TV church thing. We were made to be together, in fellowship, and I believe there’s something absolutely necessary about being physically present with other believers in worship on a regular basis. You’re right when you say “We are inclined towards self-interest, self-protection, and stuck in our own little worlds most of the time. I don’t think this is how God intends it to be, when I look at the early church in the new testament.”
What God intends is that we “all learn to get along” – painfully, frustratingly endure the trials of relationships – be it with a few that “get it” and a whole lot more that really don’t. If we’re going to be able to relate to non-believers, the cynics and critics and rest of the world, then dealing with self-centered, judgemental believers is part of the preparation. I certainly don’t agree with every single thing that happens at my church and know several people there that are critical and just plain mean and intimidate the snot out of me, but I’ve learned to look past that and recognize those people as challenges to my own growth and find some others who are encouraging, joyful and uplifting and being around them for a few minutes a week is worth enduring the negatives. Not to mention the solid sermons, teaching and ministering that happens there too, of course.
Well, I could go on and on about this topic, obviously (I do in a lot of my blogs) but really what I want to say is that church really isn’t about you. It’s about God. It’s how He has chosen to equip us with the LOCAL resources, people power and ministry opportunities to accomplish His will in your community. You can pour into yourself all you want online or with bible study at home (and you should!), but a local church can broaden your own reach into your community. Our spiritual living isn’t about us. It’s about doing His work. Yes, church should be a place where we grow and are encouraged, but it’s also much more than that. It’s ultimately about growing God’s kingdom. When believers disengage from the group, I believe it’s hurting the larger work going on. And they’re missing out.
I hope I don’t sound harsh, but I’ve been dealing with this issue a LOT lately and many people I talk to don’t have the teachable heart you do. I wrote a post similar to this, if you have time to read – it’s here: http://theepiphany.wordpress.com/2009/03/12/back-on-my-soapbox-again/
God Bless and I truly hope you are able to find that great group of believers in your area!
Comment by theepiphany — April 17, 2009 #
Epiphany, you said, “We were made to be together, in fellowship, and I believe there’s something absolutely necessary about being physically present with other believers in worship on a regular basis”
Yes, I agree, although from what I wrote that might surprise you. I also have had a huge shift in my perception of what church is in the past few years. I believe wherever 2 or more gather, God is with us. So church could be a few believers gathering together, or a few thousand, etc. I honestly don’t believe it has to be on a Sunday morning, with 4 songs and a sermon. On the other hand, I enjoy corporate gatherings, and, in fact, my personal preference leans towards the ‘wild and crazy’ charasmatic style of worship, however I enjoy many styles, and for me, the children’s ministry would be more important than style, as long as the church is fairly healthy.
I really appreciate your comments, and I will consider everything you said. I’m sure there are churches we could go to… nothing close by, but within 30-45 minutes there are certainly some possibilites. We are in a very rural area, so if we are going to shop around, we would have to travel. I have friends who drive an hour or more to attend church, but we just cannot do that every week with 4 kids, and it certainly would prohibit any sore of involvement in church life beyond Sunday mornings.
I would LOVE to see more small group/house churches in this area, since there are many believers I know of who are not attending church at all.
We left an abuse church some time back, and since then we’ve moved around a lot. Now we are living quite close to that church again, but I have no desire to get back into that setting. We were very involved in the church, and we were in leadership. I happened to end up in the middle of a very messy situation where the pastor was in a relationship with a friend of mine (his wife was surprised to find that out), and I was the first one my friend confessed to. Following this it was a year of abuse by the pastor and his wife as they wanted us to keep quiet about it. We finally left, very wounded.
Afterwards we began to discover so many errors in the teaching as well (teaching that lines up very nicely with abusive churches), so we have taken time to really search out for ourselves what it true, and what was just manipulation and control to keep people obeying and listening to them.
Interestingly enough, the pastor has again been caught in a relationship with a woman in the church, only this time it was discovered by the other pastors, made public, and he was asked to leave. I hear there are some good changes happening there now…. but this is the church I was considering attending (now that he is gone) and it really panicked me.
We have attended other churches since then, and a few of them we really liked. Then we moved back to this area, and I’m just stuck.
I’m done babbling now.
Comment by HW — April 17, 2009 #
Ha. It sounds like you left the same church my husband did! The pastor fraught with secrets and affairs and a controlling leadership…yep that sounds about right. It has taken the rest of his family members years to get over their wounds. Unfortunately two out of the six siblings have chosen not to get involved anywhere else and they are seriously backslidden now. I would earnestly encourage you to try out some less charismatic churches too. Ours is labeled “southern baptist” and no, the music isn’t as upbeat as we’d both like, but like I said, it’s extremely strong in the other important things – preaching, discipleship and community outreach. My husband has learned to love it
Comment by theepiphany — April 17, 2009 #
preaching, discipleship and community outreach. That sounds great!
When we were in NC we went to a church that was great. I think it was a 4square Gospel church (or something like that). The kids ministry was fantastic, they did a lot of outreach, and we loved the worship and teaching. We didn’t get too involved (I think it was a decompressing time for us after everything) and then we moved away, but I think with time we would have become involved.
I read your post, and I have to agree with a lot of what you said. It honestly burns me when people attend a church, don’t get involved at all, then bad mouth it. Maybe because I’ve seen “bad” and they are just being petty.
Comment by HW — April 17, 2009 #
Heidi
if you feel you are not ready to dive in to ‘church’ right now… it’s probably because it’s not time yet. Being in a crappy church isn’t just a bit of a bummer… it actually does spiritual damage to people and it takes time with Jesus, to heal from it. If more people understood that, there would be less abuse in ‘church’
Please forgive me .. I know I am preaching to the converted, but sometimes it seems right to say it out loud:)
The Spirit dwells in you and is your teacher, comforter …as promised by Christ Himself. He will let you know what to do and when…
I do not believe in an institution, I believe in a person. We are the church. You won’t fall if you don’t go.
You’re His, that means you can hear His voice.. and He will tell you where to go and when… it doesn’t matter what anyone thinks about it.
At the risk of sounding too ‘charismatic’… I believe I have a word for you… are you ready?
GRACE…
oh and here’s another one..
He really loves you, with or without winning ‘church attendance’ pins.
Comment by hunnybee — April 17, 2009 #
Thank you, hunnybee! Really, I so much appreciate your encouraging words!!!!
Love you!
Heidi
Comment by HW — April 17, 2009 #
Love you too!
Comment by hunnybee — April 18, 2009 #
No…not strange. We are going through the same thing. I was talking to a friend in England who left the church. He sumed it up best, “I left church to fellowship with GOD”.
we have more fellowship since we left the building than when we were in it.
Comment by Mike — April 20, 2009 #
Thanks, Mark. I’m always surprised by how many people are going through similar things.
Comment by HW — April 21, 2009 #
Hedi,
Have you read this book yet?
http://www.jakecolsen.com/contents.html
Comment by Mike — April 25, 2009 #
Heidi~I understand why you feel the way you do. It is sad that we feel the most vulnerable and afraid with the Body because unfortunately the Body judges its parts the most. As Tam said (Hi Tam
) I think it has a lot to do with us masking our own guilt/sin. To make ourselves feel better we think that we couldn’t possibly be as “bad” as the next person who did such and such. The truth is though that we are all sinners saved by grace an I wish as children of God we would engrave that in our brains and act accordingly with each other; bearing each other in love and carrying each other’s burdens whatever they may be.
I pray that you come to a place of peace with God first and foremost concerning your trust issues. That is the best place to go for that is where your help comes from. And I also pray that you find a place of fellowship because as the Word says “How good and pleasant it is for brothers and sisters to dwell in unity” and “Where two or more are gathered in His name surely He is amidst them.” There will always be imperfect people in the church who judge but prayerfully you will be planted in a place where there are more people who show unconditional love and acceptance and where the presence of the Lord overwhelms you so much so that it drowns out those few that are negative.
I love and miss you XO
Comment by gchyayles — April 25, 2009 #
hi sweety! love you!
Comment by tam — April 26, 2009 #