Sometimes Love Is “No.” « To Be A Fool…

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Sometimes Love Is “No.”

December 18, 2008 at 4:16 pm | In Church, church dropouts, clb, depression, friendship, marriage, spiritual abuse | 11 Comments
Tags: abuse, Bible, Christian, Church, clb, friendship, Jesus, love, marraige, relationships, spiritual abuse

Molly wrote an amazing post called “Letters to an Abused Soul: When Love Is “No.” Here is an excerpt.

In fact, what do you do when you realize you’ve been conned, regularly, repeatedly, by someone who is literally a mastermind at manipulating? When years of your life were spent being lied to, being twisted, being played? When you thought you were giving your all to something that was living and good, and really your energies and your love and your spirit were being sucked down into a black hole that would never be satisfied, that could never get enough, that would always want more until it finally sucked out the last bit of life you had.

And when, because of your own warped view of what it means to be loving and gracious—perhaps even a view that would be perfectly healthy if you were dealing with a healthy spouse or a healthy church or a healthy friend—you knew that something was wrong, something didn’t feel right, yet, because you thought that love never stopped giving, you let it happen again, and then again, and then again, until it became so normal that you forgot it wasn’t.

I think you get away from that spouse or that church or that friend.

This post did me in. Hit me right in the gut. I literally have a stomach ache now. It brought up a lot of pain I’d thought was behind me, but it is timely because I have a friend in an abusive situation right now, and I’m going to pass this along to her.

Go read the rest of the article, and feel free to come back here and discuss it if you would like to.

Blessings,

11 Comments »

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I think the hard part is getting the courage to walk away. This is my experience with the church.

But once you take a walk it is liberating.

Comment by Mike — December 18, 2008 #

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I think that actually walking away is a HUGE step. I know for my husband it has been very liberating. It has been for me too, except for the overdeveloped “guilt-gland” I have. I’m working on it…

Comment by HW — December 18, 2008 #

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For a slightly different perspective, take a look at this.

http://www.thejunkyswife.com/

I grew up feeling that kind of guilt. But I sure don’t do that kind of guilt now.

No. Way.

Comment by TheNorEaster — December 19, 2008 #

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Aw, thanks for the link. And sorry for the stomach ache. Heh. If it helps, my stomach was aching while I wrote it. But it felt a lot better afterwards, kind of like the way one feels after a good long sob. This kind of thing is so strange, the way it gets *into* you, you know? It takes a while to slowly untangle.

Comment by molleth — December 19, 2008 #

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Nor, I’m so glad you have escaped that false guilt.

Molly, seriously, thanks for the post (even with the stomach ache). And it does feel better afterwards, feeling some validation of hard decisions. Sometimes it is like a ball of knotted yarn that I have to untangle.

Comment by HW — December 19, 2008 #

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WOW….I am right there with you. This has to be the hardest thing ever….this year I walked away from a very close relationship; I had to completely turn my back and it killed me. However, it was a godsend to do so….I was being used and manipulated in ways that I am STILL finding out, months after the fact….I still struggle with missing what used to be, or at least what was presented to me as a friend, by my ‘friend’. I have been learning to have healthy boundaries and recognize my worth; which I hope will help me in the future.
I am anonymous “just in case” but if you like, feel free to email me and I will be more transparent. My heart goes out to you…..HUGS!

Comment by a woman who understands — December 19, 2008 #

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Oh, I understand right back. It is really hard to move forward sometimes when we’ve been hurt so badly. Thank you for commenting. And yes, boundaries and knowing our worth are both very important for healing, and for not getting into the same situations again.

Hugs back to you!!!

Comment by HW — December 20, 2008 #

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I’m a sucker for this type relationship. Now that I know it, I can recognize it easier, but not always. Some people are master manipulators and when you run into their lies, or flattery, or whatever…it’s still hard not to be sucked in.

Lots of counseling does help to see more clearly.

Have you ever read the book, Don’t Let Jerks Get the Best of You by Dr. Paul Meier? That opened my eyes to many things…scary things. But I’m naive and needed the lesson. (I might need to go read that book again. )

Love and hugs, Heidi!!!

Comment by Michelle — December 22, 2008 #

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Michelle, I am too. I’ve been through it too many times. Ugh. I’ll have to look into that book you mentioned. Anything that helps to recognize it earlier rather than later!

I’ve done a lot of thinking about this issue over the past few years, and what i realized is that we all have the potential. We’ve all learned to manipulate and control people (or at least to try). But we can choose not to do it, right? Some people are masters at it though, and while most people don’t even realize they are manipulating (just doing what our culture taught them to), some people really are good at it.

Love you too, my friend. Hugs

Comment by HW — December 23, 2008 #

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Just wanted to wish you and your family a Merry Christmas

Comment by Mike — December 24, 2008 #

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Mike! Merry Christmas to you and your family as well, my friend!!!!

Comment by HW — December 24, 2008 #

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