the memorial service, finally.
August 9, 2008 at 12:17 pm | In grief | 13 CommentsTags: clb, funeral, memorial service
I haven’t written yet about my dad’s memorial service last month. I wasn’t ready. I miss him like crazy! Whenever someone so close to us leaves, it is quite a process to work through. I was very sick with bronchitis and a sinus infection for the service and wiped out for weeks afterwards. I think the stress was a huge factor. I thought I would pass out during the service. The floor was moving (fevers do that) and I had visions of passing up on the way to sing, and taking out the funeral flowers, landing sprawled in front of the alter. I asked God that if that happened, to let me stay unconscious until I got to the ER. Thankfully, I stayed upright, although miserable.
The memorial service was handled by the church my husband and I left some years ago. You can read about it under the spiritual abuse catagory. I have been there only a few times since we left. Once for a wedding, and once for a community play that my kid’s friends were in. As far as I can tell, nothing has changed. I don’t know if that is a fair observation considering the circumstances, but when we met to practice the music, we were immediately lectured on not touching anything on any of the equipment. So, me being me and all (I never would have done this back then), I announced back that I would push every button twice when we were done. The pastor gave me a questioning look and kind of grimaced back. He didn’t know if I was serious or not. I wasn’t… but I was, ya know? No… I didn’t push any buttons. But I was tempted! 
I have a DVD of the service, but the sound isn’t good so I probably won’t put it on here. We watched a slideshow of pictures of my daddy’s life, which immediately had us all in tears. We (some of my mom’s friends and I) sang some songs that meant a lot to my dad, and then people shared what they remembered about dad, and his faith. It was amazing to hear the stories of the lives he had touched. His faith was such a huge part of who he was, that they all talked about the impact he’d had on their lives. The pastor talked about his friendship with my dad (I’m not going to talk about that, because I would seem cynical and downright bitchy if I did). I know he loved my dad…
It was heartbreaking that my 9 year old son sobbed throughout the service. Deep, wrenching sobs. He told me later that “Papa knew me almost my whole life mom!” I just held him through it, except for the parts when I was singing. Afterwards I had to take him for a walk around the parking lot to get him out of the deep grief. He feels things so deeply… like his mom I guess. I hope he never learns to bury it, like his mom does.
Then we sang some more songs. I finished by singing ‘Nothing but the Blood’ and ‘Amazing Grace’ acapella. It sucked. The bronchitis and sinus infection, plus the grief, equaled “no voice”, and I totally missed a few notes because of it. But I did it anyway. My dad would have loved it! I was on the worship team for a short time, but part of the abuse we went through involved me being shut out from the music ministry. So I NEVER expected to be back on that stage singing. I was bummed that I couldn’t do a better job… but I wasn’t doing it for them. I was doing it for my dad. Later everyone said how wonderful it was… and maybe they meant it… but I know how I can sound, and that wasn’t it. Oh well… get over it, Heidi.
My sister talked a bit about dad and played the song “Thank You for Giving to the Lord”. Then it was over. We had to walk out in front of everyone, and head to the meal. Here was the really fun part. Socializing with people who don’t understand why we left. “We miss you”, “We wish you would come back”, “I don’t know why you left, but we hope you’ll come back”. UGH!!! Just say you are sorry about my dad, give me a hug, say you are praying for me, but DON’T MANIPULATE US RIGHT NOW!!!!! And the truth is, nobody there except the pastor and his wife know why we left. It was covered up… but also we chose not to advertise the reasons.
I did tell one woman, after she said “You really should come back here where you belong,” that it would be “interesting” if we ever came back. She was offended, but I didn’t mean it offensively. It would be “interesting.” Probably not in a good way, because I’m not the timid follower I was then. HA!
So that was it. It was so much more than a memorial service for my dad. It was a trip back in time. It was emotionally draining on so many levels, on top of being sick. Kathy, at The Carnival In My Head also went back to her old church for a memorial service. Reading her post today reminded me that I haven’t told y’all about my dad’s yet. (and her post is much better than mine!)
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hey heidi, whoa, that is so much to do, i can only imagine the weird combination of intense grief from your dad & then having to deal with all of that bizarre church stuff, too. it is so interesting to me, that people focus in on the “come be with us” instead of caring for where you are at. it says a lot about you & your son that he allowed himself to really feel the loss of his grandpa. so painful to see our babies hurt like that but so good that they can. here’s to rest & continued healing on the journey! peace & hope, kathy
Comment by kathyescobar — August 9, 2008 #
I’m glad you shared this with us, Heidi. And I have to admit–I loved how you were still able to keep your perspective on your old church when you former pastor told you “not to touch anything.” You handled that with humor and grace. And honesty. I wish I could been there to see it.
Heck, I wish I could have been there. PERIOD.
When I consider how sudden your father’s passing really was, I feel how fruitless must by any words of mine during this difficult time. Truth be told, after everything I have been through and even with all of my so called “wisdom,” I honestly do not know what to say. But I do know that there is nothing I can say that will ever fill the void you are enduring because of your father’s passing.
You had pointed out in a recent post, “When one part of the body suffers, the whole body suffers.” And that is especially true when it comes to grief. But God has promised to wipe away the tears from your eyes…
…not me. Not your former pastor. Not our blogging buddies. Not even the angels who sang together at the foundation of the world.
But God Himself has promised that He will do that for you.
You have come such a long way from that old church. Like you said, You have a relationship now. And in times to come, even if you are hanging by a thread through this season of grief, hold on to that thread.
Because you are so infinitely precious to Him.
And He is holding on to you.
Now. And forever.
Love you.
Comment by TheNorEaster — August 9, 2008 #
I’m sorry for your loss, Heidi. Sounds like you did a beautiful job in singing from the heart for your father. Thank you for sharing your story. I conduct funerals for many people who have left churches for a variety of reasons. They still believe in God and Heaven, but have left the church. You are not alone… My thoughts are with you, Pam Vetter
Comment by Pam Vetter — August 9, 2008 #
Thank you, Kathy. Yes, it was something I don’t care to repeat again. And thank you for your post, which allowed me to try and put into words the strange mix of that service!
Nor, wow… Thanks!
Honestly, I was glad I could stand up to him with humor, rather than cowering or crying or laying into him. Isn’t it amazing to know that God is holding us? I’m pretty sure this is one of those seasons where He is carrying me, because I can’t do it on my own.
Pam, welcome and thanks. I appreciate you sharing that with me. I was wondering what people do if they don’t have a church. I’ve met a lot of people (in life and on the internet) who love God, but don’t attend a church anymore for various reasons. It surely doesn’t change who God is, but it does make funerals and such more challenging.
Comment by HW — August 10, 2008 #
Over the last decade, Funeral Celebrants have been helping families in the United States to fill this void. It’s a personal approach. Otherwise families have clergy they’ve never met before the day of service insert a name into a funeral reading. But, it’s interesting – about 95% of the services I’ve conducted are still religious or have prayers and/or scripture. One of my decedents used to say “God is where your heart is…” Maybe you should become a Celebrant? It’s really a ministry of listening to a grieving family. I think with all you’ve written, you’d be a wonderful Celebrant who would approach a family with an understanding heart…
Comment by Pam Vetter — August 11, 2008 #
Heidi, thanks for sharing from your heart. That’s really tough to have to deal with those emotions from your former church, on top of it being your dad’s memorial service. I’m so sorry that they even felt a need to bring up your lack of attendance at their church, when it should have been about the loss in your life. It is sad that some are so one track focused on life being all about what goes on in between the four walls of their church, but I used to be one of them. They really need more prayer than you do! I’m so proud of you for being so strong, and bold, and no longer intimidated by them. Standing up for what you believe in is more important than pleasing others…by a long shot! I know your dad would be proud of you, just for being you:)
again…thanks for sharing your heart about such a tough day. I miss my daddy too:( it stinks…no one is EVER old enough to be without a dad, are they?
Comment by Kelly — August 14, 2008 #
No, I don’t think it is easy whatever age we are.
Thanks, Kelly… you are a huge encouragement to me today. 
Comment by HW — August 14, 2008 #
Wow, Heidi, I can’t imagine having to go through all of those emotions about your old church when all you needed to be thinking about was your father. And then to be sick on top of it all. That’s really hard.
I’m sure your father loved the songs you sang for him. He sounds like he was a wonderful person to have known and how fortunate you are to have had him for a father.
I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through such heartache. The Lord continues to bring you to mind and when He does I pray for you.
Love you, Heidi.
Comment by Michelle — August 16, 2008 #
Hey, Michelle! Yeah, it was rough, but we got through it. God is awesome.
Comment by HW — August 16, 2008 #
I just read this Heidi. Thank you for sharing; I know it couldn’t have been easy. I can’t claim to know exactly what you’re going through because I know everyone grieves and handles loss differently, but I’m here to listen and pray anytime. Thank you for praying for me. I love you so much. Have a blessed day.
Comment by gchyayles — August 21, 2008 #
gchyayles, thank you for taking the time to comment. I know our situations are a bit different, but grief is grief. It hurts. I love you, and my heart has hurt for you and all you are going through.
Your sister,
Heidi
Comment by HW — August 21, 2008 #
My dad has been gone over 25 years now and I still miss him. Just remember that you will always have those cherished memories of times that you spent with him. Mine always makes me smile and I hope the same for you.
Your Brother in Christ,
Leopold
Comment by leothelip — August 21, 2008 #
Thank you, Leopold. I do smile when I think of him… then I cry. But it is so recent. I guess we won’t stop missing them until we are with them.
Blessings,
Heidi
Comment by HW — August 22, 2008 #