wondering…

Warning, this is one of those honest and “real” type posts that may be disturbing for some.  More questions than answers here…

We are wondering what is next for us.  The sad part is, we’ve been wondering that for awhile.  This season of my life has more to do with children/homework/school/bedtimes than it does with anything else, (not that I’m complaining…I love my kids!) but it feels like we’ve just been treading water for awhile now.

We are starting our little home group again in a few weeks.  It is with my sister and her family… and my family.  Not so many people, a lot of kids between us, but if she doesn’t have another baby this year we can be more consistent with it.    I do some dreaming about where this all could lead, and sometimes I dream so big it is scary… only God knows.

A cousin of mine, who is a pastor in another state, visited a few days ago and lectured us for not going to church somewhere right now. (she meant the very best, and was genuinely concerned for us)  My cousin doesn’t know where we are at right now…. and right or wrong we are not that interested in just finding a pew to sit in so that we can say we are going to church somewhere.  We want to be in the right place for us (the place God wants us in) whatever that looks like, and wherever that may be.  But we don’t have a clue what or where that is, or even what it is going to look like!

We had been attending a church for the past year that didn’t work out for us (and yes there was a lot more to our decision to leave than just being ignored, I just didn’t feel it was appropriate for me to discuss it on here… and honestly, we might go back someday… but after leaving worship practice multiple times in tears, sobbing the entire way home, it seemed logical not to continue placing myself in the line of fire).  We’ve only been out for a few months, and I’m more content than I have been in ages simply by losing the soap-opera drama stuff… although I can see in myself right now that if I’m not careful, I will happily become a hermit.

Why does everyone feel that it is their responsibility to force us to go to church?  Honestly, I’d much rather meet some other people who are wandering, spend time with them, build relationships, fellowship, minister to one another, and see where it goes from there.  But where does that leave my children?  Are they better off in the traditional Sunday School format?  To be brutally honest… while I personally got the complete traditional Sunday School upbringing, the legalism drove me away from the church, rather than towards Jesus.  I suppose it depends on the Sunday School.

There is so much I don’t know… so much I’m in the process of learning, but still haven’t grasped.

And what is with the pressure that says, “You must attend a specific meeting, in a real building, in a church with a name on the door, on an actually Sunday between 8 and 11 am in order to be OK with us.” ?    Don’t misunderstand… we WANT fellowship.  We desire, and even crave, community.  It is what it will look like that is all up in the air for us right now.

….to be continued…. (when I know more)

grief takes time

Grief doesn’t go away overnight.  I can feel the effects of it on my life even though I’m not actively thinking about it very often.  My friend called me on it a few days ago.  She wanted to know why I’m upset with her.  Huh?  I’m not.  I’m upset with EVERYONE (but no one, if that makes sense).  Especially MYSELF for being overwhelmed by everything, irritable, grumpy, depressed…

My kids are probably glad they are starting school today.  I am too.  I need some time by myself.  It will only be a few hours a day that my littlest are in PreK, but it is more than I have had all summer.

It hits at strange times.  When my two oldest got into trouble for spitting off the high ride at the amusement park, I was horrified.  I told my mom and she laughed, and I wanted to tell my dad (he would have thought it was hilarious).  But he isn’t here anymore.

My parents live next door.  My dad would have been sitting on the porch this morning watching my kids get on the bus.  He would have prayed for them today and thought about them all day.   When they got home this afternoon he would have been calling right away to find out how their day went.

Yes, I know all the answers.  He is in a better place.  He is happy and healthy there.  I know, I know!!!!  BUT I STILL MISS HIM!  And it hurts.

stuff and nonsense

Tired and horrified

We are tired and sore today, but it was worth it. Yesterday we took our 4 children to a small amusement park. We have 2 nine year olds, and 2 four year olds. They had a blast, and we had so much fun with them. Well, it was fun until they were all hot, tired and hungry. The two oldest nearly got thrown out of the park for spitting off of a high ride. I was HORRIFIED! 

Remodeling

Today we are resting, and tomorrow we’ll start working on our basement again. The goal is to finish painting and putting down some soft flooring so that we can use it for a TV/Playroom. We need more bedrooms, so we are giving one of the children the living room once the basement is done and available for them to use. Someday maybe we’ll be able to add on to get more space, but in the meantime, we’ll make do.

School Starting

Our children will start school Tuesday. We pulled our two oldest out of the Christian School they were in (there were a lot of things wrong there, and the kids were begging to not return). It was hard watching them struggle and hate school last year (not academically). I’m praying that this will be a better year for them, and they can heal from the damage done last year.

Our two littlest will be in Pre-K at the Methodist church during the mornings this year. They are excited that they’ll have the same teachers from last year, and they cannot wait to go back to school!

Mixed Emotions

I’m sad the summer is over, and yet happy at the same time. (Any mom of 4 kids would understand that statement)

we grow and learn

(UPDATED AGAIN, see links at bottom) I was really surprised at the attention my post received about Mike Guglielmucci a few days ago. I shouldn’t be surprised at the impact Mike’s deception, and the Lakeland/Todd Bentley fall have had on people. After all, we personally survived the abuse of our church (CLB) some years ago, and when the pastor fell, we were nearly destroyed. Since then we’ve learned not to put our faith in “men.” Lots of people are hurting, angry, and betrayed, and it will take them time to work through these things. I pray that in the end they will be stronger in their faith, completely healed of this betrayal, and able to seperate “people” from God. And, although it doesn’t make me very popular, I also continue to pray for the healing and restoration of these two men who are suffering very publicly.

As far as the “Charismatic Church” goes, I do feel we are learning and growing, even though it is a painful time for many. Here is a response by Dutch Sheets to the situation surrounding Todd Bentley, Lakeland, and the Apostolic Team. This gives me hope that we may see more transparency and growth come from this than I would have thought.

The news continues to pour in about Mike Guglielmucci’s fraudulent claims of having cancer. The stories of people sending money to him based on the lies are heartbreaking. No wonder people feel so betrayed and manipulated. It is difficult for everyone to find out they’ve been tricked so completely and for so long by a pastor. A Christian.

The “Aidelade Now” news site has a recent article about this, and the video of his song, “Healer” on it, which cannot be found on You Tube anymore.

Two news stories.  One quotes Mike, and one quotes his father.

Mike Guglielmucci’s testimony a fraud?

8/30 UPDATE:

Here is the video of Today Tonight’s(Australian News Show) interview with Mike. Wow.  Apparently this aired the 25th.

and

Nine News story from 8/26

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UPDATE:  The AOG (Australian Christian Churches Assemblies of God) with whom Mike was a pastor have released an official public statement.  Read it HERE.

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According to a person who commented on my blog, Mike was making up his illness. I asked him for some proof, and he passed along a news story. Some of you may remember the videos about Mike’s song, “Healer” and his testimony around it. Here is a news article by “The Australian” discussing this, and another article by an Australian news site. I’m sure we’ll see more news about this in the coming hours and days. Another source for updates and current links is Wikepedia’s page.

A quote from one of the articles states the following:

“This news has come as a great shock to everyone including, it seems, his own wife and family,” Hillsong general manager George Aghajanian said in an email to his congregation yesterday.

“Michael has confirmed that he is not suffering with a terminal illness and is seeking professional help in Adelaide with the support of his family. We are asking our church to pray for the Guglielmucci family during this difficult time.” (The Australian)

Let’s be praying for the Hillsong people, Mike, his family, and all the people who are going to be affected by this news.

Lakeland Revival and Todd Bentley… my concerns

I’ve been mostly silent about Todd Bentley and the revival the past few months for a reason, although I’ve commented on other people’s blogs at times. But at this point, none of that matters to me.

I found a post that was written that echoes my own sentiment, especially in light of all that has been happening the past few days. I’ve been increasingly disturbed at the joy that many believers are taking in mocking Mr. Bentley and rejoicing in his fall. There is certainly room for disagreement within the larger Body of Christ… and I have no issues with people debating their theological points. But whether you agree with someone or not,should it be ok to be hateful and venomous towards a brother?

Richard J., at Family: The Final Frontier had this to say…

I’ve been pretty quiet on the whole thing that’s been going on in Lakeland, Florida. Mostly that’s because listening to both the pro- and anti- Lakeland Revival camps have made me think more deeply about how we treat believers we have disagreements with.

But it seems now that Todd Bentley, the evangelist who has been at the center of these events, is having some marital difficulties. (Scroll about halfway the linked page to see the letter from the board of directors.)

There is a larger issue about the whole Lakeland Revival thing that I won’t address now. But it is pretty safe to say that Bentley is a polarizing figure in the body of Christ. Some people have claimed that he has a powerful annointing from God. Others think he’s literally doing the work of the devil, deceiving the people of God.

Here’s my quick thought for now: whatever your view of Bentley and the Lakeland events, it’s clear that he and his family are going through a horrible time. I believe he and his wife have kids, and all of them will be hurt by divorce. Can we please, for once, come together in love and pray for and support a brother and sister who are hurting? Is there any chance we can use this as an opportunity to heal hurting believers, instead of using it as an excuse to blast Bentley?

I mean, I thought Jesus said the world would know we were believers by our love for each other, not by our ability to kick another believer when he’s down…

(I hope it was ok to quote you, Richard… you said this better than I could have)

Family Fun!

My mom and I took the twins to our County Fair. They had a blast!

(Michelle… you asked for photos!)

And not to leave out the older 2

(they went to the fair with grandma, so I have no pictures of that)

Relationships

I’ve been thinking a lot about relationships. How much they mean… how painful it is when they are broken. I’m sitting here tonight and wondering why we find it so easy to walk away. I’m thinking we just don’t have a handle on ‘Love’ yet. Any thoughts?

Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have.
Love doesn’t strut,
Doesn’t have a swelled head,
Doesn’t force itself on others,
Isn’t always “me first,”
Doesn’t fly off the handle,
Doesn’t keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn’t revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end. (1 Cor. 13: 4-7, The Message)

the memorial service, finally.

I haven’t written yet about my dad’s memorial service last month. I wasn’t ready. I miss him like crazy! Whenever someone so close to us leaves, it is quite a process to work through. I was very sick with bronchitis and a sinus infection for the service and wiped out for weeks afterwards. I think the stress was a huge factor. I thought I would pass out during the service. The floor was moving (fevers do that) and I had visions of passing up on the way to sing, and taking out the funeral flowers, landing sprawled in front of the alter. I asked God that if that happened, to let me stay unconscious until I got to the ER. Thankfully, I stayed upright, although miserable.

The memorial service was handled by the church my husband and I left some years ago. You can read about it under the spiritual abuse catagory. I have been there only a few times since we left. Once for a wedding, and once for a community play that my kid’s friends were in. As far as I can tell, nothing has changed. I don’t know if that is a fair observation considering the circumstances, but when we met to practice the music, we were immediately lectured on not touching anything on any of the equipment. So, me being me and all (I never would have done this back then), I announced back that I would push every button twice when we were done. The pastor gave me a questioning look and kind of grimaced back. He didn’t know if I was serious or not. I wasn’t… but I was, ya know? No… I didn’t push any buttons. But I was tempted!

I have a DVD of the service, but the sound isn’t good so I probably won’t put it on here. We watched a slideshow of pictures of my daddy’s life, which immediately had us all in tears. We (some of my mom’s friends and I) sang some songs that meant a lot to my dad, and then people shared what they remembered about dad, and his faith. It was amazing to hear the stories of the lives he had touched. His faith was such a huge part of who he was, that they all talked about the impact he’d had on their lives. The pastor talked about his friendship with my dad (I’m not going to talk about that, because I would seem cynical and downright bitchy if I did). I know he loved my dad…

It was heartbreaking that my 9 year old son sobbed throughout the service. Deep, wrenching sobs. He told me later that “Papa knew me almost my whole life mom!” I just held him through it, except for the parts when I was singing. Afterwards I had to take him for a walk around the parking lot to get him out of the deep grief. He feels things so deeply… like his mom I guess. I hope he never learns to bury it, like his mom does.

Then we sang some more songs. I finished by singing ‘Nothing but the Blood’ and ‘Amazing Grace’ acapella. It sucked. The bronchitis and sinus infection, plus the grief, equaled “no voice”, and I totally missed a few notes because of it. But I did it anyway. My dad would have loved it! I was on the worship team for a short time, but part of the abuse we went through involved me being shut out from the music ministry. So I NEVER expected to be back on that stage singing. I was bummed that I couldn’t do a better job… but I wasn’t doing it for them. I was doing it for my dad. Later everyone said how wonderful it was… and maybe they meant it… but I know how I can sound, and that wasn’t it. Oh well… get over it, Heidi.
My sister talked a bit about dad and played the song “Thank You for Giving to the Lord”. Then it was over. We had to walk out in front of everyone, and head to the meal. Here was the really fun part. Socializing with people who don’t understand why we left. “We miss you”, “We wish you would come back”, “I don’t know why you left, but we hope you’ll come back”. UGH!!! Just say you are sorry about my dad, give me a hug, say you are praying for me, but DON’T MANIPULATE US RIGHT NOW!!!!! And the truth is, nobody there except the pastor and his wife know why we left. It was covered up… but also we chose not to advertise the reasons.

I did tell one woman, after she said “You really should come back here where you belong,” that it would be “interesting” if we ever came back. She was offended, but I didn’t mean it offensively. It would be “interesting.” Probably not in a good way, because I’m not the timid follower I was then. HA!

So that was it. It was so much more than a memorial service for my dad. It was a trip back in time. It was emotionally draining on so many levels, on top of being sick. Kathy, at The Carnival In My Head also went back to her old church for a memorial service. Reading her post today reminded me that I haven’t told y’all about my dad’s yet.  (and her post is much better than mine!)

When one part of the body hurts…

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about the scripture that talks about when one part of the body suffers, the whole body suffers (read it below).  I’ve tried to understand that, but too often is seems that we are left to hurt alone, and the rest of the body doesn’t often notice.

Because of the scripture, it must be true that we do all hurt together, but it seems that ofen we don’t notice it.  It is like being paralyzed.  When a paralyzed person injures a part of their body that is affected, they don’t feel it.  They might not even notice it.  When we aren’t paralyzed and we merely stub a toe, we feel it!

I had a friend with bad knees who had undergone many surgeries.  The nerves around his knees no longer felt pain and he would often rest a hot cup of coffee on his leg and not realize it had burned him.  He had several circular scars from this happening.  His body had become injured, and he never realized it until he saw the wounds.  However, looking at the wounds didn’t cause him pain either, except to know that he had to put some ointment on them, and perhaps a bandaid to cover them.  They were a rather distasteful to him, as were the scars from his surgery, so he would generally wear long pants to keep them hidden.

I’m concerned that we don’t feel it when a part of the body of Christ hurts.  What is our reaction?  Do we gaze upon the wounds without emotion?  Perhaps we try and put a bandaid on it, cover it so we don’t need to look at it, and pretend it isn’t there.

Just something I’m mulling over.  Feel free to jump in with discussion.

1 Corinthians 12: 14-26

Now the body is not made up of one part but of many. If the foot should say, “Because I am not a hand, I do not belong to the body,” it would not for that reason cease to be part of the body. And if the ear should say, “Because I am not an eye, I do not belong to the body,” it would not for that reason cease to be part of the body. f the whole body were an eye, where would the sense of hearing be? If the whole body were an ear, where would the sense of smell be? But in fact God has arranged the parts in the body, every one of them, just as he wanted them to be. If they were all one part, where would the body be?  As it is, there are many parts, but one body.

The eye cannot say to the hand, “I don’t need you!” And the head cannot say to the feet, “I don’t need you!” On the contrary, those parts of the body that seem to be weaker are indispensable, and the parts that we think are less honorable we treat with special honor. And the parts that are unpresentable are treated with special modesty, while our presentable parts need no special treatment. But God has combined the members of the body and has given greater honor to the parts that lacked it, so that there should be no division in the body, but that its parts should have equal concern for each other. If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it.