To Be A Fool…

This is a very cool presentation of the gospel.

In this post I’m going to talk about what spiritual abuse is, and some of the characteristics of an abusive church. There is so much information now about this topic that you can find.

When we were first trying to figure out what was happening to us, we happened across a book. One little book that began to open our eyes to why we were feeling uncomfortable about the things we would hear the pastor say and do, and why we felt manipulated and unable to think for ourselves.

Ok, so what exactly is “Spiritual Abuse?”

One website set up to help victims of physical abuse defines abuse as “a pattern of coercive control that one person exercises over another”. This can be physical, emotional or sexual, and I believe that spiritual abuse follows this same pattern in the “spirit” of the people it hurts.

Jeff VanVonderen gives this definition:

“Spiritual abuse occurs when someone in a position of spiritual authority, the purpose of which is to ‘come underneath’ and serve, build, equip and make God’s people MORE free, misuses that authority placing themselves over God’s people to control, coerce or manipulate them for seemingly Godly purposes which are really their own.”

We’ve all heard horror stories of cults holding some kind of control over the people who belong. This is spiritual abuse (and probably emotional… possible physical and sexual). But it doesn’t have to be a “cult” or something “so far out there” to be abusive. One site I was on said that the theology can even be good, but if the leaders aren’t healthy, the church can still be abusive.

The Bible has some things to say about leaders who are not operating under God’s authority, but their own.

Jeremiah 5:30-31 we read, “An astonishing and horrible thing has been committed in the land: the prophets prophesy falsely, and the priests rule by their own power; and My people love to have it so. But what will you do in the end?”

Jesus was very harsh with the religious Pharisees, saying…

“They tie up heavy loads, hard to bear, and place them on men’s shoulders, but they themselves will not lift a finger to help bear them.” Matt. 23:4 (Amplified Version)

There seem to be some very common warning signs that a church is unhealthy, and probably involved in spiritual abuse. I’ll give you Jeff VanVonderen’s 7 characteristics of spiritually abusive systems from the book he co-authored with Pastor David Johnson, pastor of The Church of the Open Door in Minneapolis, Minnesota, entitled “The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse.”:

(1). Leaders in spiritually abusive systems spend a great deal of time power-posturing by focusing on their “authority” and reminding others of it.

It is called posturing because the authority does not flow from genuine, godly character, but rather it is postured. As a result, a great deal of time is spent by these abusive leaders convincing others of their influence, expertise, longevity and how much authority they have and much everyone else is supposed to submit to it. The fact that they are eager to place people “under” them in submission — under their word, under their “authority” — is a sign of an abusive system. Jesus taught as one who actually had authority, not as the scribes who postured authority (Matt. 7:28).

(2). In abusive religious systems there is a preoccupation with performance.

The Bible tells us not to be conformed to this world but to be transformed by the renewing of our minds (Romans 8:1). Conformed means “squeezed from the outside in” while transformed means “changed from the inside out.” In a spiritual abusive system there is little focus on relational discipleship, or the heart of the Christian, but rather, there is an emphasis on meeting quotas, obtaining goals, and increasing numbers, and then pretending as if one’s performance were the measure of one’s spirituality.

(3). In spiritually abusive systems people’s lives are controlled from the outside by rules, spoken and unspoken.

One unspoken rule in an abusive system, according to Jeff, is “never disagree with authorities.” Rules like this remain unspoken (no official policy) because to examine them in the light of mature dialogue would instantly reveal how illogical, anti-Christian and unhealthy they are. Silence becomes the wall of protectiton, shielding the abusive authoritarian from scrutiny or challenge. The way this unspoken rule of silence is maintained is very simple according to Dr. VanVonderen: the person who speaks about a problem must become the problem. The person becomes the problem by being accused of being arrogant, angry, unloving and other Christian adjectives to attempt to keep the silence maintained and discredit the person who raises the issues that need addressing.

Jeff compares this abusive spiritual system to the “pretend peace” of Jeremiah’s day when the prophets cried ‘peace, peace’ when there is none. A healthy church or organization affirms that all topics are open for discussion, and on some points there will be a determination to agree to disagree. Christians should be able to disagree and still fellowship and cooperate with each other in a spirit of love and humility.

(4). In spiritually abusive religious systems the mundane becomes the essential, the vital becomes trivial, and the real needs of real people are neglected for the sake of “agendas.”

Jesus told the Pharisees that in their religion “they neglected the weightier provisions of the law: justice, mercy and faithfulness” and ended up being “blind guides, who strain out a gnat and swallow a camel!” (Matthew 23:23-24).

(5). In an abusive religious system those in charge believe that “others will not understand what we’re all about, so let’s not let them know, or else we will be falsely ridiculed or attacked.”

This abusive system of religion works on two assumptons: (1). What we say, know, or do is a result of being more entlightened than others; (2). Others will not understand unless they become one of us; and (3). Those who are not one of us are not with us, and therefore, are our enemies. It is an “us” vs. “them” mentality within an abusive religious system.

(6). In a spiritually abusive religious system there is a demand that loyalty be to the organization and not necessarily the Kingdom of God.

The mentality that prevails is “we alone are right.” Because of this, anyone who speaks out against the direction of the organization is considered disloyal and is either silenced or removed. Tactics used, according to Dr. Jeff VanVonderen, include (1). threats, (2). slander, (3). humiliation, (4). and shame in attempts to get the person who questions authority to “submit” or leave the organization.

(7). In abusive religious systems secrecy is prevalent and openness and transparency are rarely seen.

What is important to these abusive organizations is the maintaining of secrecy. Real problems are never addressed. Real issues are never faced. Some even believe secrecy is necessary to protect “God’s good name.” So how things look and what others think becomes more important than what is real.

It is secrecy and using “spiritual” code language that makes spiritual abuse “subtle.” The subtle power of spiritual abuse would not be subtle if things were in the open or if people spoke in language that got to the point and did not obfuscate the problem with flowery spiritual code words that have no real sense or meaning.

(I’m sorry, I totally lost the reference to the blog I pulled this from)

Personally we have experienced this. Yes, much of this sounds very familiar. How could we not see the abuse? Good question. We were young, and didn’t know what healthy was. My husband was newly saved, and I had grown up in a very legalistic family. I thought this was what freedom looked like! The leader in our situation was very charasmatic, and ‘acted’ very humble about being the authority…. but if you disagreed you were divisive, and had a critical spirit. Spiritual elitism was rampant (our church is the only one doing it right), and anyone who left was said to have a “rebellious spirit, and “we don’t go after rebellious people.” He and his family were the only ones who were allowed to have a position on the worship team… and when the church grew too large for that, and his children moved away, he only allowed a select few to be chosen. If he was out of town, there was a list of people who weren’t allowed to help with the service just in case the associate pastors asked someone to help. When he had a moral failing, it was covered up to the point that only a very small group of people know it happened at all. When his wife used her position to really hurt people, he would accuse the person injured of having a critical spirit, and he would not hear anything said against his wife. It sounds noble, but it was enabling her to be very cruel to people. If the sound system wasn’t working correctly, he would stop the entire service and yell at the sound guy until it was fixed to his satisfaction. He was accountable to no one.

Anyway… we didn’t know until we were out of it, and finally realized that we had done nothing to deserve it. We weren’t perfect, I’m not saying that! Maybe sometime I’ll tell you the story of what finally made us leave. I have it all typed out…. I just can’t hit publish.

If you have been abused in a church, or if you are being abused, find someone you can talk to and break the cycle!

Here are some links to articles and information you can read.

Recovering From Spiritual Abuse

Five Warning Signs of an Unhealthy Church

Spiritual abuse.From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Warning Signs of Spiritual Abuse, Part One

Warning Signs of Spiritual Abuse — Part Two

Warning Signs of Spiritual Abuse — Part Three

Beware of “Spiritual Abuse”

I was thinking today that perhaps a lot of people don’t really know what spiritual abuse is. I really hope you don’t.

Spiritual abuse is (just like any other kind of abuse) the misuse of power, privilege, or authority. We all understand how damaging emotional abuse is… or physical abuse… or sexual abuse, right? But can our spirits be damaged? What exactly is our spirit?

Many Christians believe that people are made up of three parts. Soul (the will, emotions and intellect… the personality), Body (the physical sheath), and Spirit. The New Unger’s Bible Dictionary defines Spirit as “that part related to worship and divine communion.”

According to an article I’m reading, Watchman Nee taught about the spirit in this way…

“… EVERY communication of God with man occurs there. The spirit has three main functions: conscience, intuition and communion.” These three functions are then defined:

“The conscience is the discerning organ which distinguishes right and wrong; NOT, however, THROUGH THE INFLUENCE OF KNOWLEDGE stored in the mind but rather by a spontaneous direct judgment….”

Intuition is the sensing organ of the human spirit…. that knowledge which comes to us WITHOUT ANY HELP FROM THE MIND, emotion or volition comes intuitively….”

Communion is worshiping God. The organs of the soul are incompetent to worship God. GOD IS NOT APPREHENDED BY OUR THOUGHTS, feelings or intentions, for He can only be known directly in our spirits… (Watchman Nee, The Spiritual Man, Vol. I)

The Bible refers to the existence of our spirit separate from our body and soul.

1 Thessalonians 5:23 (NIV)

23May God himself, the God of peace, sanctify you through and through. May your whole spirit, soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ.

Hebrews 4:12 (NIV)

12For the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.

If you believe that the spirit is a unique and separate part of a person, then it becomes an issue of whether or not the ’spirit’ can be damaged. We already know that the physical body can be harmed, and that people can suffer emotional hurt and trauma that can debilitate them. Can we be hurt this way in our spirit?
According to Psalm 34:18 we can be.

18 The LORD is close to the brokenhearted

and saves those who are crushed in spirit. (NIV)

Proverbs 18:14 tell us

“The spirit of a man will sustain his infirmity but a wounded spirit who can bear?”

For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Ephesians 6:12 (NIV)

10Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. 11Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. 12For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. 13Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. 14Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, 15and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. 16In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. 17Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. 18And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints. Ephesians 6:10-18 (NIV)

Too cool. 

I’m reading an interview about ’spiritual abuse’ with Jeff VanVonderen. He is the executive director of Spiritual Abuse Recovery Resources, a ministry of Christian Recovery International. I know nothing about this ministry except what I’ve read today… I was just looking for some insight into spiritual abuse. I found some very good articles.

If you’ve been through spiritual abuse (as a victim or an abuser) I would recommend you start reading the articles above. The ones I’ve read through so far have been good. There are books out there also, and a good counselor probably wouldn’t hurt.

It isn’t easy for me to be honest with you about this. But I know there are others who have been hurt by this also. And I don’t believe that putting on a facade, or pretending it never happened, will help me or anyone else.

It takes time to heal. I still find myself distrusting spiritual leaders and spiritual people, and I’m still struggling. I thought I was better, but in reality I just haven’t been involved with a church other than simple attendance in the past 4 years. The old adage is not always true about time healing all wounds. In fact, only Jesus heals all wounds, right?

In a previous post I gave some of my story about a church we attended that was abusive. We did sustain a lot of damage there. Then the person who helped pull me out of the situation ended up also being an abuser. My friend, who shall remain unnamed, seemed like a blessing. She was there just when life had completely fallen apart. Taking me by the hand, she led me out of the mine-field… and into her web. Why didn’t I recognize the danger? Because I was hurting, and it seemed like she genuinely cared for me. Isn’t that what we all want? Unconditional love? But this “love” ended up being anything but unconditional. So very controlling and manipulative… using spiritual things and “God said” to keep control, and then ditching me with horrible accusations (that God showed her) when she was done.

After all of this, I was beyond broken. Spiritual abuse, heaped upon spiritual abuse…

We moved away when my husband changed jobs, and I thought I was well past this, but now we’ve moved back to the area, and even though we don’t attend the original abusive church, and the ‘friend’ is not around anymore, I find that I am still somewhat broken.

And I am reading this article, beginning to understand why the healing hasn’t come quickly. Here is the excerpt that prompted this very long post…

Recovery is never easy for any of us. But I think that recovery from spiritual abuse is in some ways the most difficult of recovery journeys. One reason is that the person who has the greatest potential for helping us recover from spiritual abuse is the person we feel most alienated from.

Let me explain that a bit. When someone gets physically abused, they don’t necessarily distrust the Department of Social Services. The abuser wasn’t acting as a representative of the Department of Social Services when they abused the person. Similarly, when a woman gets abused sexually, she doesn’t necessarily distrust the person from the women’s shelter who offers to be helpful. She may distrust men in general, but the agency that is designed specifically to help is not necessarily a problem. The abuser was not acting as a representative of the agency designed to help abused people. So the woman who has been abused is not likely to think, If I go to the people who are from the agency that is designed to help me, I’m going to get hurt even worse. In the case of spiritual abuse, however, there is always a major problem with the “agency” that is specifically “designed” to be helpful: God. The fear is that if you go to God, you will get hurt even worse than you have already been hurt. Spiritual abuse always does damage to our relationship with God. It’s the worst. It’s a wound of the spirit. It’s a wound right down at the core of who we are.

STEPS: If you experience an abuser as acting on behalf of God, or speaking for God, or acting as an agent of God, you are really stuck.

Jeff: Abuse always happens in a relationship. And in the case of spiritual abuse, the abuse happens in the context of relationships where someone is in the role of representing God. Later, when the abuse has come to an end and we are looking for healthier relationships in which to recover, we may find other people—even people who may actually be faithfully representing God—but it will be difficult for us to trust in those relationships, difficult to invest again in relationships and difficult to relax.

STEPS: It seems like the struggle to trust people again is a very normal part of the recovery process after any kind of abuse. We usually start slow, risk a little, be vulnerable a little and gradually learn to trust again. But it’s much more difficult to give ourselves permission to have just a little bit of trust when it comes to our relationship with God. We often massively shame ourselves when our faith is hesitant or partial.

Jeff: Yes. One of the messages of the abusive system is that you have to have complete, total trust. So in recovery from spiritual abuse it is really important to give ourselves room to have little bits of faith. And also to learn to pay attention to our spiritual radar and to reconnect with our sense of blessing—and with the God who gives us that sense of blessing.

That about sums it up.

It explains the absolute panic lately that God will tell someone something about me that will cause them to try to fix me into who they want me to be, and that they will accuse me of things.

It explains why I go to church and activities and cannot join into the fun, but instead I’m gagged and bound on the inside. And knowing I’m a magnet for attracting controlling people doesn’t make it easier to trust.

It explains why my stomach hurts and I want to run for cover, or duck into a ball and cover my ears when someone gets a little assertive about something.

I do see signs of healing in my life. Just not as quickly as I would like. This article was helpful in the fact that it validates the struggle, and it sounded like it does take time, and to be patient.

Healing comes also from breaking the “don’t talk rule” that Barbara Milligin discusses in her article, Breaking Free: What I’ve Learned About Spiritual Abuse. Even writing as much as I have feels like I’m going to get into trouble, or cause some kind of conflict and makes me feel guilty. But even in writing a post like this, there is a sense of progress for not being in bondage to fear.

I love the Lord. I love people. I want to minister. I want to help other people to meet with Jesus. I haven’t given up on God. I haven’t given up on church. I haven’t given up on people. It just is going to take time to work through this.

Lord, I need healed from this. Help me, Jesus. And help all those who have been through this to heal as well, and to find healthy relationships within your body, Lord. I know you love the abusers also, and that with your help we can forgive knowing that you’ve forgiven us also. And thank you for the grace and mercy we find in You. In your name, Jesus, amen.

Let’s consider the words that come out of our mouth. We can build up… or we can destroy… with just our words.

Some of the most serious hurts in my life come from words. Little words that cut, tore down, and cursed me. What about you?

Let us consider our words carefully. There are a lot of scriptures about the tongue. Here are just a few.

Reckless words pierce like a sword,but the tongue of the wise brings healing. Proverbs 12:18 (NIV)

A sword sounds about right. Sometimes I think I’d rather be stabbed by a sword than live with the words spoken. Amazing how an emotional pain can hurt.

The tongue that brings healing is a tree of life, but a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit. Proverbs 15:4 (NIV)

Ever been crushed by someone’s words? I have.  I’ll bet that everyone has felt the sting of words at least once.

The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit. Proverbs 18:21

Life and death. We can give or take life. Sure… they may not be physically dead, but we can kill them on the inside where nobody ever sees the pain… some take their own lives to escape the pain inflicted by others. Let’s show them the healing that can come, also from words… speaking words of life over the damaged and broken, showing the love of Christ to them.

With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in God’s likeness. Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers, this should not be. James 3:9-10 (NIV)

It reminds me of an old horror movie, where some horrible monster comes through and destroys the town before the army can figure out what to do to stop it. Someone with a tongue that is out of control can cause that kind of damage to a church or group.

We all stumble in many ways. If anyone is never at fault in what he says, he is a perfect man, able to keep his whole body in check. James 3:2 (NIV)

Oh to be perfect. Oh to be able to go back in time and take away the words spoken over me, and the words I have spoken over others… only through Christ can these words be made null and void… to be made to fall to the ground lifeless and without power.

Let’s be conscious of our tongues today, and use our speech to give life to another. Let our words bring healing, and our love show the way to Christ.

That person who sits next to you on Sunday might seem to have it all together, but underneath there may be a person who has been torn apart and in tremendous pain. Trust me…. you never know who is covering the fact that they are crippled emotionally.

Ask the Lord to show you who you can build up and how.

Blessings,

Heidi

Pssst. Yes, you. Over here. I’m talking to you. I have a message for you. Ready? You. Are. Significant.

Yep. I do mean you. You are significant. The only one of you there is. That makes you really special. And there is more. You are wanted, needed, and loved.

I know you’ve heard about God before, but did you know that you are exactly what he wants? If you’ve met him, he is so excited to spend time with you so you can get to know him even better. If you don’t know him, he is waiting for you to turn his way so he can tell you how much he loves you.

Did you know that he created you in his own image? That makes him your Father. Cool, huh? And those feelings of worthlessness can go right out the window when you realize that you can be the child of a King. The gifts and talents that you have? They were given to you by him.

You’ve heard of Jesus? How about him for your big brother?! In fact, he came to earth for you… so that you could become part of the family. He died on that cross for you… to make a way for you to become a child of God. And best of all, he didn’t stay dead… but he rose from the dead, and he is alive and with God that Father. Just like you can be forever and ever with him in heaven.  How?  By believing Jesus, and receiving him.  Sounds too easy?  I suppose you can try to make it complicated… but my Bible says if we believe in the name of Jesus, and receive him, that we get the right to be the children of God.   You can look that up for yourself to double check.  It is in the book of John, chapter 1, verse 12.  While you’re there, read the whole book.  It’s really cool!

And for those who are already in the family, it is time for you to start living like a child of the King. You aren’t a slave to the world anymore. You are free to be everything that God created you to be!

Those people who tell you that you can’t? They didn’t hear that from God. He has a lot to say to you, and I think you should stop and listen to him. You can read his words to you in the Bible. And he also loves to talk with you. You just might find your forever dad. The one you’ve been crying out for. He loves you.

I read a really neat post about worship today called Holding Worship about… well, about love.  You’ll have to read it yourself because I am finding no words to describe it without telling it all to you myself.

Blessings on this beautiful Monday morning. 

What are we looking for? In the internet, and especially in life?

My guess, which without scientific back-up, is just what it is… my opinion. (redrafted)

Something Real

First, this generation (from teens up to those in their 30’s at least and perhaps beyond) is looking for something real. Not a fabricated facade, and not a pretty face… but real. Gut level, see it how it is, real…. honest… one day I was so angry at the facades I see around me that I made up a song asking “where are all the real people.” It was a joke for a friend who understood a little… but not a very funny one, because I still ask myself that question.

My mother grew up in the day where you just “don’t air the dirty laundry!” She STILL doesn’t know much about her family history, because none of the older relatives would tell her. That just doesn’t wash anymore. We may keep some things personal and that is fine, but we want people to be ‘real’ with us, and we want to know that if we do tell them personal things, that they won’t judge us for it, and they won’t try to fix us.

Emotional Outlets

We need emotional outlets. Journaling has found its way into the mainstream through blogging. Our diary is no longer under the mattress, but now public. What do we do with our joys, our pains, our struggles and our successes that beg to be shared? MySpace, Facebook, blogging, are all outlets.

Many of us need a constructive way to let out our emotions, because there is no other place we can do so. In church we are expected to tow the line. In school, there just isn’t time. And at home, well… I suppose it depends on the home, but the dynamics of a family often don’t lend themselves to times full of personal conversation. We fall into rat-race of days full of the car-pool, soccer games, grab a quick dinner, homework, video game and tv time, then bed.

The only place we ever seem to truly be ourselves is with our friends… and let’s be honest here, once we are beyond the teenage and college years, that is gone also. There is no place where we can be ourselves! That is one of the appeals of the internet… our own corner of truth. Or the reverse can be true… the place we can pretend to be someone else.

Relationship Connections

In this day and age of separation (I live in my house with my 3, you live in your house with your 5, and so on), we are looking for connection. Some kind of community, which is relatively easy to find on the net. Teenagers seek it out with their friends, at coffee shops, parties, hanging out at someone’s house, but our society is truly lacking in relationships. We are far removed from the day where small communities raised their children together, relatives lived together, or within a few blocks of family, and where everyone knew our name.

On-line communities, chatting, blogging, all offer a sense of community beyond the walls of our house that we are desperate for. A connection to another person. Someone that actually cares what we wrote… even if it makes them mad…it is still a connection! I know that my life is lacking relationships. Is yours?

Where are the mothers and fathers we need? Where can we find someone to take an interest in us. The first that does, we will follow. The first to believe in us, and encourage us is where we place our loyalty. We desire more than just friendships… we also need mentors.

Yet, without the Lord Jesus, we still have an empty place, no matter what we seek and strive to fill it with. First of all, we are searching to fill that void that is God Shaped. But beyond that we need loved, discipled, encouraged, related to, seen, listened to, and more.

What else are we looking for? Please let us know your thoughts.

I pray that everyone is having a very blessed Easter Sunday.  He is Risen!