Happy 4th of July!
July 4, 2009 at 8:35 pm | In ramblings | Leave a CommentCelebrate Independence. In our country, and in our lives. Whom the Son sets free is free indeed. 
Happy Father’s Day, Daddy
June 21, 2009 at 1:11 pm | In ramblings | 2 CommentsI miss you. It was a year ago you were so sick, and we gathered around your bed to give you the presents we had for you. You mentioned “next year,” as if you would still be here, but a few weeks later you were gone.
I miss you, Daddy. So much has happened this year I want to share with you. The kids are getting bigger, and your little girls are starting Kindergarten next year! They miss you too. Really badly. The littlest one took a long time to realize what your death meant, and now she is afraid to let anyone out of her sight because they might not come back. She was very worried about you because you left your cane behind.
Your grandson is going into 5th grade, and he is turning into such a great kid. He wants a job so he can start earning his own money. Your oldest grand-daughter is going to be in 4th grade, and she is all about makeup, boys, and Hannah Montana… and she is becoming a huge help around the house.
Daddy, I know you are in heaven, having a blast! But I’m feeling selfish today, and I really wish that you were here with us.
I miss you, Daddy… and I love you! Have a great father’s day with your Heavenly Father.
Love,
me
living exhausted without hope… but maybe the sun is rising?
May 23, 2009 at 7:40 am | In Chronic Fatige, Fibromyalgia, Hope, Vitamin D, depression | 27 CommentsI’ve had pain since I was 16. Physical pain. Diagnosed when I was around 26 with Fibromyalgia. It is a frustrating disease, since the treatment options are limited. The doctors tell you that you have it, but then they have no idea how to help.
So I’m used to pain. My neck and right shoulder are almost constantly hurting. Such is my life, and while I don’t like it, I’ve adjusted to it.
3 years ago I began to struggle with horrendous fatigue, the likes I’ve never experienced except when caused by the occasional all-nighter. I’ve gone to many doctors, they all just tell me it is the fibromyalgia or depression. I’ve been diagnosed with adrenal insufficiency, B12 deficiency, Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis, and treatment all of these things still have not erased the fatigue. I also knew I had a D deficiency, and likewise, the dosage I was giving didn’t seem to help so I blew it off. It was an offhand comment by the doctor anyway as I was leaving… oh, you are D deficient, take some D.
This past year has been debilitating. I haven’t been able to do much of anything. I have to save up my energy for activities, then it takes 3 days or more before I can function again. It is very frustrating. I’ve gained a ton of weight because I seriously am unable to do anything physical without being knocked on my butt for 3 or 4 days. I hardly eat, but I still gain. Go figure.
Everyone has the answer. Have you been there? You need to exercise… you need to take this vitamin… you need to take that treatment…. Even my mother calls me and wants me to go places with her, and get some exercise. If you’ve ever struggled with severe fatigue, you know that it is impossible to function! Often I would slur my speech because I was too tired to talk. I had trouble thinking, and was always losing things because the effort to recall was beyond me. I’m so weak, constantly dropping things, tripping over things that aren’t there, and I shuffle through the house sometimes, unable to move faster than a crawl.
A few weeks ago I had an MRI to see if they could find evidence of MS. It was negative. They are looking for MS and Lupus at this point, and they are at a loss as to what to tell me. I was seriously giving up on any hope of ever feeling better. Finally I was very depressed. It is actually rather scary to be at the point of giving up but it takes energy to keep fighting, and I didn’t have any.
I didn’t have the energy to write anymore, or read the blogs I’ve always enjoyed. For the first time in weeks I opened my reader, and the first thing I read was this article at a friends blog. It is about vitamin D deficiency and how her daughter is finding help. Knowing I have a deficiency anyway, I started myself on some higher doses of D3. It seems to be helping. I find myself with some hope again. I took my family to a nearby city for a day at Chuck E. Cheese’s and the zoo. I didn’t crash until I was home! That is HUGE! It has taken me a few days to recover from that trip, but it is still HUGE!
Hope is a good thing…..
Break Time
April 30, 2009 at 10:20 pm | In ramblings | 6 CommentsHey everyone. I’m taking some time off. Hope to see you all soon!
Love,
Heidi
trust issues
April 13, 2009 at 12:51 pm | In church dropouts, journaling | 35 CommentsI’ve made a discovery over the past few days. I have no trust left in people. I’ve always had a hard time trusting, but right now I’ve got none for almost anyone.
I was thinking about going to church sometime, and I nearly panicked. The thought of pasting on the smile, and acting the part, greeting acquaintances, and never really getting to know anyone just didn’t sound like my idea of fun. I would love to go worship, and hear a message, but I can do that at home… right here at my computer. I want the fellowship, but I’m not certain a church building is the place I’m going to get that.
Weird, huh?
Or is it?If you go outside in your bare feet, and keep getting stung by bees, I suppose you would stop that behavior and begin wearing shoes. If you pushed a fork into an electrical outlet, and were shocked, I suppose (unless you like being electrocuted) you would change your behavior. If church becomes a place of misery that one goes to out of a sense of duty, should one continue going? I don’t know anymore.
What is the old quote about insanity?
- Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. ~Albert Einstein
So I guess I need to work through some of the ‘trust’ issues with God , and see where I stand then. After all, I don’t want to end up on the floor in the lobby of some church in the fetal position, crying for my mommy… 
But the upside… this did prompt a long talk with God. I’m sure he has a plan in mind…. I just have to wait for him to share it with me.
Who’s Image Are We Created In?
April 10, 2009 at 10:00 pm | In Church, healing | 7 CommentsI’ve had a few posts that I’ve kept up for days now, rereading and pondering them.
It started with Jeremy, at A Mending Shift. He put up a post entitled “The Wounded Image of God. He talks about the wounds that women have received within the church.
Jeff continued the theme with an post and apology, entitled “Why the Heart of Every Man Should Be Breaking.“
Go read them, please.
I really think this is the kind of thing we need to see to have healing within the church. I was touched, and impressed by these two men and their hearts. I think that the more men who come to this point, the more of a difference we will see in the church.
This is an area I’ve been very damaged in myself, and I know others who have been as well. It is a very deep wound, and needs to be healed. There are times I realize how very deep the damage goes, and I wonder if I will every be able to “be myself.”
Are you still here? You can come back and comment if you want to, but you have to go read it first to know what I’m talking about.
Jeremy, and Jeff, please accept my deepest thanks for writing about this.
fainting goats
April 7, 2009 at 8:23 pm | In ramblings | 4 CommentsTags: fainting goats
They are hysterically funny to watch!
Not Feeling Well
April 6, 2009 at 10:15 am | In ramblings | 9 CommentsI’ve been really tired, and not feeling well lately. It is the start of allergy season, so that is not helping.
I’ve been filling my time by watching Heroes on netflix. I’m hooked! And I’m all caught up, which is disappointing. I now have to wait a week between episodes.
I wish I could fly! If you could have a superpower, which one would you want to have?
Hair Days
March 23, 2009 at 6:35 pm | In My Silly Kids!, family | 12 CommentsTags: braids, hair, sisters
Sisters
I’ve been having some trouble with my hands, so I haven’t been braiding M’s hair too much this winter. But finally I thought I’d just put in a few french braids (instead of the many small cornrows we usually do).
Her little sister A wanted her hair braided too. It only took a few minutes for the little one, and a good 30 for big sister (her hair is so much thicker). The cornrows take 4 to 6 hours depending on how many we put in, so this was easier on all of us.
Here they are, sitting at the computer, but watching the TV. ????
Taking life seriously…
March 18, 2009 at 7:55 am | In depression | 11 CommentsTags: depression, SAD, spring
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyways. — Anonymous
I’m often guilty of taking life too seriously. I usually have a sense of humor that can kick in in the worst circumstances, but right now I don’t find the humor in much of anything.
I’ve always had the tendency towards a melancholy personality, winter being the roughest time of year for me.
As usual for this time of year, I’ve been struggling with depression. Too much introspection and remembering. Sick children, grumpy people, and my own thoughts and emotions have waylaid me.
I haven’t been posting, because I really have nothing worthwhile to say.
However, spring is coming, and some sunshine will certainly go a long way towards lifting everyone’s spirits.
C’mon spring, hurry up and get here already!
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